1:05 a.m. 28th March 2006, Tuesday

Today is her fifth week in the ICU.

Today is the day she left the world.

Today is the beginning of a new life for her.

And for the rest she left behind.

Al Fatehah and prayers for my Ibu, Rohana Rashid.


She went so peacefuly, I didn't even realise that she is gone, if not for the straight line indicating no heart pulse on the machine. Alhamdullilah I am with her till the end.

I am content. I am.

Selfish Mum I Am

Batrisyia has fever. And so does JackJack. But Batrisyia's is not too bad. I sponged JackJack nearly the whole night. (ya ka ni?). In the morning he was still flushed. Consistent sponging and neurofen.

I am tired actually. I have blocked nose myself.

The other day, I forgot to eat or I was not in the mood, I don't know/ Thus while reciting Yassin, Al wakiah and Al Mulk to my mum standing (for they don't provide chair at the bedside) I felt my head spinning and was becoming flushed and sweaty. I walked and managed to get to the nurses table and stopped there.

It occured to me, man, if anyone were to get sick it had better not be me. If I am sick who would take care of the kids.

It's a different story of course if lover was here. Then at least he could sponge me.

Scenario:

Only my dad and myself, oh and the kids, waiting for my mum. We are thankful for the spurts of visits from friends and relatives.

OH NO! MY DAD JUST CALLED FROM THE HOSPITAL AND ASK ME TO COME OVER QUICK!

Lupakanlah ikan masak kicap tu

Room with a Window

They moved my mum to an isolated room (they call it). There are two isolated rooms in the ICU. The others are open space.

This room has a window. This window overlooks the corridor. This corridor is where myself, my dad and the kids 'hang out'. Loyally waiting for my mum.

You know Haziq couldn't see his nenek right. SO i thought of drawing the curtains a bit and my dad to lift Haziq (the window is quite high even for adult) so he can peep at his nenek from there.

And that's what we did. So he finally get to see his nenek. Even from the backview.

He said it's not like how he imagine. I asked, "So what did you imagine?"

He thought that there would be one bed and nenek wuld be there tucked comfortably in a blanket, sleeping.

Ah Haziq. Even though you think the doctor should have turn the bed so that you can see her, it's probably hard for you if you can see her. So many wires, some leaving fresh wounds. But if they do allow, I'd probably show you anyway, because I want to show you, that love is unconditional. No matter what state we are in, love is there. I am willing to kiss her lips anytime.

I asked him, "So what did you see?"

He saw machines all around her. I told him, "Nenek is very very sick. Not like before this time. Those machines are all her medicines. You can help her though."

Haziq is always willing to help. "How?" he asked.

Pray for her. Special prayers for her after your prayers. Recite Fatehah whenever you can for her (Is this right? I don't know actually. To ask him to recite Yassin can take ages. *hangs head in shame*)

He recited Fatehah. Many times.

That's nenek's first grandchild for you.

Eh kalau period nak baca apa eh? Tensionnya. I feel so lost!

One to the other

One complication leads to another.

Today is her fourth week here in ICU.

Yesterday she didn't look so good.

I need my lover.

I need his strength.

Kisah di Wad ICU Hospital Muar

Latarbelakang cerita

Nama ayah saya : Zainuddin.
Nama ibu saya pula : Rohana atau lebih dikenali sebagai Cik Ana

Cerita

Ada patient baru masuk ke wad ICU ni. Well taklah baru. Dalam dua minggu gitu. Nama patient tu Zainuddin. And nama isteri dia pulak Rohana. Can you believe that? Nama couple yang sama?

Pastu dia orang letak katil Encik Zainuddin tu kat sebelah katil mak saya.

Encik Zainuddin tu masih lagi dalam keadaan koma. Cuma sesekali dia akan buka mata, but he does not respond to anyone yet. Sometimes when the nurses are trying to get his response, they would talk, or rather shout to him. "EN. ZAINUDDIN! KALAU FAHAM SILA TUTUP MATA SIKIT!" No response. "EN ZAINUDDIN! BOLEH FAHAM TAK?!" No response.

The thing is, my mum would go wide eyes and all bila dengar ni. I saw that when I was with her. Then I smiled, touched her hand, "Itu bukan ayah Ibu. Nama orang tu pun Zainuddin." My mum looked at me. Relief perhaps.

Then I said further, "And nama isteri dia pun Rohana. Ha ha ha. Imagine that." And my mum laughed too. Well she didn't laugh out loudlah, no voice remember.

Kesimpulan yang dapat di buat disini, is my mum is getting grasp of things. She knows my dad's name, her own name and she can comprehend humour. Not bad eh for someone who is suppose to have brain damage? Alhamdullilah.

Lagi satu cerita ni. You know sometimes sedara-sedara yang jauh dan jarang jumpa, dia orang bukanlah kenal the other side punya sedara tak?

My dad's cousin datang dari Trengganu melawat mother I. In factnya pasal tak pernah langsung jumpa dia, I don't even know her name and I still could not recall her name at all. Somehow masa melawat tu adalah dia berbual-bual dengan sorang makcik ni. Then she asked my dad, "Ohh mak Cik Ana pun ada datang juga ya. Duduk rumah lah ya. Tunggu Cik Ana."

I looked at my dad and he looked back.

"Mak Cik Ana? Ana mana ada emak lagi. Dah lama dah meninggal." Kata ayah

"Eh! Habis. Orang tu tadi kata dia mak Cik Ana. Saya berbual-bual dengan dia tadi pasal Cik Ana koma. Sampai peluk-peluklah." tanya sepupu ayah saya.

Cuba teka dengan siapa sepupu ayah saya tu berbual?

Hint : Ini bukan kisah hantu.

Lollies is the witch in the candy house

This is and will most likely be our longest seperation, me and my lover.

But I guess in a way, all of us learn something when we are forced into certain situation. Like in my case now, my lover has finally indulge himself in the world of chatting, the YM. Today he got to chat with Haziq and view us on the cam. I can't view him though, he is on the SLOW dial up, remember?

Anyway we were chatting last morning (at 1a.m.), I asked him what he has been eating, now that I am not around to cook. he said he's been eating bread and jam for breakfast. he doesn't eat anything for lunch. Usually I would do his lunch and put it in tupperware. Come back either get himself kebab or just bread and some fruits.

And I was damn worried.

No, not that I am concern and sad at him not having proper meals and all.

I am concern for the fact that he would really really slim down!!

And here I am, eating out everyday, feeling fatter and fatter.

HE WILL BE SLIMMER THAN ME. HUWAAAAA.

Ohhh when I get back there, you can count on me to feed him properly again. Oh yes I will.

I will make you fat Hansel, said Lollies the witch in the candy house. Oh yes I will.

Slim is also about relativity kan?

Semangat

Memang aku perlukan cheerleaders sebenarnya. Sesungguhnya duduk kat hospital ni sangat-sangat menguji kekuatan diri aku.

To start with, tak ada sapa yang boleh tengokkan anak-anak aku, so memang aku angkut dia orang semua pi hospital tiap-tiap hari. Aku sorang aje yang bawak anak kecik tiap-tiap hari. Imagine kids yang sangat aktif sekejap berlari kesana kesini kat corridor ICU tu, sekejap bergaduh sesama sendiri. Tidur semua kat corridor ICU ruang menunggu tu. Ni bukan private hospital. Ini hospital gomen. Air cond pun tak ada and you have to share it with many people yang sama juga masalah dengan kamu. Tunggu orang sakit.

Tapi aku still lebih untung dari most of them. Sebab rumah aku cuma 10 minutes drive aje. So aku mandi kat rumah, basuh baju. Orang lain kena basuh kat toilet share. Mandi pun toilet share. Aku malam balik rumah and tidur kat rumah. So aku masih ok lagi. Kalo mangsa kebakaran ke, banjir ke and apa lagi bencana alam have it worst.

Untuk mengisi masa lapang bebudak tu aku belilah buku serba sikit untuk dia conteng-conteng. Haziq biasalah ssegala majalah bebudak yang ada aku belikan. Seboklah dia buat puzzle lah, games lah. Sampai soalan budak darjah 5 pun dia nak jawab.

Aku juga syukur anak-anak aku tak banyak kerenah. Pandailah dia orang menyesuaikan diri. Ada anak orang lain tu hentak-hentak kaki, nak jajan, nak balik, nak itu..pening aku dengar. Rasa nak penampo aje. So serba sedikit bebudak ini banyak membantu meringankan keadaan aku duduk kat hospital tu. And Haziq memang suka charm semua pompuan. Makcik ke anak dara ke rajin betul melayan cakap dia tu. Aku sendiri tak tahan kekadang.

Tapi yang tak tahan duduk hospital is emotional straining yang aku alami. So far 3 minggu aku kat sini, I have seen two deaths. Maksudnya orang yang sama tunggu tu, yang ditunggu passed away.

Dah tiga mnggu kat sini, kita jadi kawan dengan orang-orang yang menunggu tu. Aku baiklah dengan akak ni yang tunggu laki dia. Laki dia macam my mum gak. In factnya masuk pun lebih kurang sama. Hari tu dah sedar, lately ni coma balik. Doktor nak operate apa entah lagi, dia orang tak mau dah and nak bawak balik. He was on the ventilator, so you know take off ventilator, kita cuma tunggu ajele.

I cried with her. Macam adik beradik dah rasanya.

Dua tiga hari ni jugak ramai bebudak yang masuk ICU. Today ada 4 year old masuk. Girl. Alaa look at her, so small, so fragile, hooked up to all kind of wires. What a sight to behold. Heart wrenching betul. Tengok parrents dia. Distraught faces.

Aku sendiri? Aku memang bersyukur Ibu dah sedar. Tapi being concious mean, I had to see her suffer. I can see her distorted face, bracing the pain. She repeatedly said

Nak balik

Tak nak ubat

Nak mati

Dah lama-lama aku jadi faham apa yang dia mouthkan tu.

Aku tabahkan hati juga tapi lama-lama aku memang tak tahan. Dan aku menangis depan dia. Aku peluk dia like a child that I was before. Tak patut aku nangis depan dia. Patut aku bagi dia semangat. Tapi tell me macamana aku nak bagi dia semangat bila aku pun hilang juga kekadang. Tengok dia suffer, ahhhh, sedih aku.

Makcik-makcik lain yang tunggu laki dia orang tu, stress sampai dia orang sendiri masuk ward. Aku syukur aku ada bebudak tu untuk sibukkan pemikiran aku ni. Walaupun aku jadi baran dengan kerenah dia orang. Tapi bila aku nangis, tiga-tiga datang peluk aku. Jack2 mesti pat aku at the back. Lover tak ada, bebudak pun sudah cukup bagus. Dia orang tak ada, aku mesti bingung agaknya.

Alhamdullilah ada ramai kawan kasi aku support with sms and calls. Yang sms mintak nombor orang pun ada. Aku happy tolong orang. So keep me busy people. YM dengan rerakan pun help, because I do need someone to talk to other than my dad and my kids.

And yes, thank goodness I blog.

Sesungguhnya aku baru faham sekarang betapa sukarnya menunggu your loved ones yang sakit. We need support most of all.

Lend me some.

Kiss is Easier to Comprehend

I heard this description, about my dad on the first few days Ibu was warded, from my aunties. Repeated many times and heard it from my different aunties. My dad was terribbly distraught and couldn't think straight and was crying most of the time. It was made worst when he learned that I couldn't go home.

I would probably be the same as him, if not worst. He was the one with my mum when she went into fits. He saw everything. He saw her being lifted on the stretcher and into the ambulance and rushed to the hospital. he was there. Even the neighbours were at shock, just at the sight of ambulance. Who? Who? They asked.

So I'm being here in a way had helped him cope with the pain and sadness and give him strength to go through this ordeal somehow. Actually I need support too and it's hard that my lover is not around. It's emotionally straining. Another entry maybe.

Whenever the doctor call my dad to explain something or to ask for his signature to do other minor operation, he'd ask me to come along. One time the doctor was explaining my mum's condition, she was not concious yet then, that her liver is quite damaged, her lungs and they also need to do CT scan to check her brains and all not so great things to hear. I asked the doctor to explain about her liver and the numbers and so forth. She gave me numbers and told me the range that a normal person should have. What I picked up from the conversation was that when she was admitted the number was very high, meaning very bad. Now her numbers have reduced, meaning herliver's condition has improved. And that's what I told my dad.

I told him, Ibu has showed some progress after a week. The number is still bad but what we need to see is progress Ayah. I think we can continue hoping. We must Ayah. My dad seems a bit happier. It may be a false hope. But it's hope nevertheless.

So you can imagine him being estatic that my mum is now concious. Even when she was still only one eye open and can only make little facial expression, he was eager to be with my mum.

He said to her the I love yous and all that.

He said, she is the only one for him. he is not thinking of another. (Apparently a day before my mum went into coma she told my dad that he can remarry after you know..after she passed on)

He said, if you love me, wink at me. Which she did. Which is obvious, because she only had one eye open. But she still does it now, those winkings.

He also asked for a kiss. And she puckered up and they kissed. I suppose it's a pecklah, not french kiss and all that. Got tubes maaa.

My dad is so gatal (flirtatious). He asked for a kiss even infront of the nurse. Show off!

Now I know where I got my traits from.

---

My mum also asked me to kiss her. How I know? She puckered up! I asked, kiss? And she nods. And I kiss her

Pergi starts from the letter P

I made the cards to communicate with my mum better. Or rather I made the kids do it for me.



The kids cutting up the alphabet posters at the ICU's corridor

I grouped the cards into five because I thought showing all the 26 alphabets can be a bit too much on my mum. When I actually tried it on her, it was still quite difficult. I am not sure whether she is still okay with spelling. Maybe trying to digest all the letters into a word is quite complicated. Sigh..I don't know. Perhaps it's too early for me to do this or I just need perseverance. Or this is only suitable for younger people with better eyesight. But all in all I didn't want to intimidate her. So I said to her, whenever you are ready Ibu.

So there I was trying to understand what she is saying by reading her lips again. I understand certain things after sometime like she wants water and now she knows where the bottle is she kept looking at it and mouthing, nak (want).

Later in the night she struggled to say something that she refused to budge. She mouthed something that begins with the letter "P". I tried hard to decipher it. Sometimes out of frustration I ignored it and change the topic, but like I said she refused to budge. Then I started again trying to guess

Per? Nod
Perigi? Shake
Pizza? shake
Errr pergi?

Then she looked like she was going to cry. And my heart dropped. Could it be that she said pergi? Could it? Pergi means go. Go away! Was she asking me to go away?

Then she tried again. Somehow half an hour later I said another word.

Peluk? Nods vigorously and big big smile

Oh my God she wanted to hug me. Peluk means hug.

I laughed and laughed till I cried and I hugged her so tight, I hope I didn't crush the wires that wraps her.

I know she wanted to hug back but she can't lift her hands. But it's okay, I am going to hug her lots. To compensate for the lost years. Sigh.

You see Pergi and Peluk, both starts from the letter "p".

Slowly Does It Ibu

Remember that I wished for my mum's eys to pop open? My friends, and those of you who have prayed for us, she now has opened her eyes.

Yes she has! Yes she has!

She didn't exactly pop it open though, but opened she did! And my heart has leapt high now.

It started when I told you that her limbs moved a bit. The next day, she made a lot of facial expressions when we talk to her. Mostly sad like she wanted to cry. I think she did want to cry. I noticed she tried hard to push her eyes open then, but it was perhaps too heavy.

She was always frowning, perhaps out of desperation. Perhaps out of pain. Perhaps she is sad. But I would rub her forehead and told her not to worry herself. Don't frown Ibu, we want you up wrinkle free remember.

The next day she managed to open her eyes quarterly and seem to be able to comprehend where sound come from. She would look at you, but it was such effort. But by that day, I thought I saw her trying to smile. Or was I just perasan (Illusionning) ? Perasan pun perasanlah. Perasan is also hope. I told her I am happy to see her smiling.

But yesterday she opened both of her eyes. She did! She looked at me! She understood all I said! Sometimes she smile. Sometimes she looked like she wanted to cry.

Ya Allah! Aku bersyukur Ya Allah!

I told her everything that I have wanted to tell her before. I said I love her so many times. I told her what happen to me daily. The kids. I told her she must get up for I want her to teach me how to cook.

I told her I want her Banana Cake recipe. Her banana cake is not the sponge one, it's the mashed banana one. I love it but I'm frigging lazy all these while. So she must get up.

She smiled. It's beautiful.

She desperately wanted to speak back, but she can't. She has a hole poked at her throat to assist her breathing. I told her not to strain herself. On the other hand I do understand how frustrating it is to answer and say something back. So today I thought of doing something about it. So she can talk back.

I thought of grouping the alphabets in five (A B C D E) and saying it out loud and perhaps have a card to show. And ask her to nod if the alphabet she needs is in the group. Then continue to next group (F G H I J) and so on.

The next step I would guess the vowel for Malay word usually has vowel as the second letter and hopefully start guessing or continue with the process.

I tried yesterday but I was reciting all the 26 alphabets continously slowly. It's too slow.

I wish I can read lips for she moved her lips a lot to speak to me. It's frustrating!

If you have any other method, easier perhaps?

You know after after being told that my mother's brain has damaged, this turn of event is makes us very thankful indeed. She still couldn't move anyting else.

But when I kiss her, she adds pressure by trying to kiss back, like a baby she is, it just made you happy.

Bye to Lover

When we decided that we would go to Qatar, it was also decided that we will all go together, the whole family. This is first of all because the company that my lover is working for encourage their expatriates comrades to come as a family and they will do the visa for the whole family even when you do not possess an RP or you are not confirm. We knew that it would be tough for us to go together in a sense that we wouldn't have a car immediately, the house is not permanent, we do not have basic home stuff and all the things that we have been comfortable with all this while like toilet brush for instance. Yeah we don't have that immediately. And I hate it when I don't have toilet brush.

There were a few guys who were "wifeless" because the wife choose to come later or because they do not want to come at all. Well they are grown ups, sure. They know where to get their dinner. Some of them can cook. But look at their cooking. Even when they claim it's good, I still think it doesn't pass most wives standard. (I thinklah). Or when you see them do takeaways..awww..I feel so pity for them. I don't know why. Perhaps because I see eating from styrofoam is something sad? When I go to their houses, I can see the absence of feminine touch. Am not even talking about flowers or paintings. But soem of them rarely sweep not to mention mop. Even when they do sweep, it's always at strategic places. They always miss spots. I am so pompuan kan? No lah actually I am a perfectionist. I look at these things een though I am a lazy wife.

And then and then even when they do eat well, iron their clothes, use soap during shower and occassionally eat vegetables and fruits, there is still something missing. Something not there. Like they are not content. Could it be the lack of sex? My theory is, it is.

But then I am only telling you what I observe in the eye of a domestic Goddess. I don't know how they feel. Anyone who will be going on a solo journey leaving the wife behind can tell a better story and the actual truth of the life of being wifeless.

Worst still when you are in a country like Q@tar where most people come as a family, they don't have many friends that they can talk to everyday. This will be compensated, I suppose, during the weekends where golf and tennis and squash or eating at pot lucks take place.

After two months staying in Q@tar, who would have thought that in the end I still have to bid goodbye to my lover. He left for Q@tar today after he exhausted his compassionate leave. He wasn't even elligible for leave actually.

I stayed on because I feel that I should be there for my dad at least? Until when? I don't know. Time will tell.

My lover just wishes it is sooner than later.

When I got back to the hospital, I went to see my mum. I hold her arm and rubbed it as I whispered what I did today. I told her that I had to drive with the three kids in the car from KLIA to Muar. Thank goodness JackJack was not acting up. Then I felt her limbs moved a bit. Not once but twice.

My dad had similar stories. My dad said she looked like she wanted to cry when he touched her.

I see hope. I feel hope. Hope gives me strength.

To Bear and Bert, I can never thank you enough for taking your tiime to come and visit my mum today. Indeed today I am in jovial mood seeing her progress and I am glad that you get to witness our better days.