A Year Now

It has been a year you know, since my mum passing. It seemed like it was only recently that I went through one month ordeal in and out of the ICU and aother one month staying with my dad after.


I missed her so much. I looked at the children, and I remembered how much she spent time with them. My parents are the ones who would nick my kids to the playground. (Yes rotidua, I am one of those who dera my parents to take the kids to the playground while lover and I bercanda. heh heh).


I blogged nearly everything during the one month, except for the last week before her passing. I couldn't cope with the emotion then. It was hard to visit her knowing that her time was near. I remembered a week before she died, the chief doctor came to talk to us, and said what was probably the obvious. She had been on the machine for a month. Her lungs shrinking, her blood pressure getting lower. In fact the level was at it was due to the medicine, her liver totally failed. They could not do dialysis on her because of the low blood pressre. They told us to expect the worst.

I can still remeber, how I tried my hardest to compose myself for the sake of my dad, for the sake of myself. My dad didn't understand the jargon. What he understood was, he was going to lose his wife.

I looked at the doctor and wondered, she must be tired. My mum is just another patient. Another number in the chart. Another statistic. I remembered telling her, treat my mum like she would be alive not like she would die tomorrow. She nodded. I trembled. Then I couldn't blog about it. It was too much and to pull everyone into the emotional drain..I don't know...seemed unfair at that time.

The days of the week were numbered. Everyday we looked at the blood pressure reading going down. Heartbeat readng going down. Yesterday, last year, her BP reading turned red. Do you remember I was cooking ikan bawal masak kicap in a sticky pan? We were all alerted to come.

But being here, in Qatar, sometimes make you forget and sometimes I feel that two month ordeal was just a nightmare. That she is around doing her cooking.

I was looking at some recipes for oh-so-very-often-pot luck here, and I found one that she use to make. I was in the kitchen. I got up to my computer, ready to skype her. Excited and all. Then I realised, OMG, what am I doing. This was last month. I sobbed.

Oh the pain is still there tugging my heart.

Thank goodness to blogging, I get to reread what happen during those days. It's all HERE and HERE. I read and am always reminded just how much she loved me. She couldn't speak then, but love, as you know, is a language of the unspoken.