A few Days after..

I don't know where to start. If this is a place for me to vent out, it would be random writing of things not following any sequence and would come out in spurts of energy or slow dragging self talk.

Images of my brother come now and then. There was this picture when he was young, and so was I. He had straight hair then. His face smeared with powder. Thank you to my mum whom would always smear talc on our face and let our pictures be taken. I have dozens of talc smeared faces pictures. He was standing strainght because that is the best pose he can give. I think the camera was not ours. My dad must have borrowed it. So it's probably a taking-as-much-picture-as-you-can day. In the picture he was laughing. I have always liked that picture for he is so cute. he looked like that little boy in the "eight is Enough" series.

And then we grew up. Somehow when we became adults we tend to have our differences. I for one, did not agree to his ways towards my parents. But then I remembered my mum's wanting eyes whenever he visited her in the ICU. I can still hear my dad crying on the phone when I called him. They have forgiven him. Who am I to be angry at him still? Who am I? And the moment I forgave, my heart gave in. I love you my dear brother. I am glad we were in better term after Ibu passed away. Indeed everything has a blessing.

I want to remember these times. I was a newly wed. renting a condo in KL. He stayed with us. I cooked dinner. I wasn't a good cook then (still not). I cooked ikan masak lemak. I remembered saying, "Entah apa-apalah ikan masak lemak ni". We dined together the three of us. And he said, "Sedap ni (delicious!)" and lookep up smiling at me. And thet is the moment my photographic min would snap a picture. I am printing that in my mind to remember forever. His approving smile.

And oh Iremembered this too. I was in my early pregnancy months with Haziq. It was a fasting month. The moment I break fast, I would have to rush to the toilet and wherever I could get to puke my stomach contents out. A few minutes later, my lover would vomit too. I don't know how he handled the vomit race.

I am still grieving. At moments of quietness when I am trying to swallow that I have lost two of my beloved ones, I would cry. It just sometimes seems not real. I need my grieving time. I will come out. I came out once. I will again.

to my chatting friends : I am doing tahlil. Will get online as soon as house is organised. I love you all. Thank you for being there.