Want, am and will be doing

Want

Surprisingly I don't have that much craving on food compared to the last holiday. I mean sure I ate some durian and rambutans but I remembered I gobbled up just too much last year. And as for food, hmm, there's nothing much that I couldn't eat back in Qtar,. I mean Kak Zah made excellent nasi dagang. And she cooked it with love and all. So comapred to the ne I bought here the other day, cit jauh panggang dari apilah. And Kak yati made roll-your-eyes nasi kerabu. Unless of course one of you guys yang masaklah. Yum yum. Yang tu gua tak tolak.

Oh but still the satay here is way better.Nak nak satay muar yang kecik manis. And I still go for kerang rebus, kerang bakar, kupang, lala, siput sedut masak lemak cili api and all that. ABC and cendol.

What I want coming back home is to get some books. Particularly Agama Islam reference book for the kids. I just cannot find it anywhere. There are activity books of course but there are only questions in them, no notes whatsoever. I need some notes, text book like. You know to guide me to teach them. Sure I can look up for notes and set soem questions but its just too much work and I err not sure whether I would be good enough. AT least a text book can be my guideline while I use other resources as well.

Can you suggest me what to buy and where. If any of you have standard 1 to 5 text books, and are not using them, I would love to purchase them. Kalau ada sila email hudishh@gmail.com. preferbally before Thursday because after that I am going to KL and thus no internet access.

AM

I am in my most lepak mode ever in Muar. Apart that I have to drive everywhere for my dad, which is really no different from what I have been doing all these while anyway. But so far no cooking at all for me. Yalah saya sekarang duduk rumah bujang. Tak kuasa baru nak start beli barang mentah. The kids played PS2 nearly all day long and I watched tv to my heart content.

We went to PD the other day tapi unfortunately, I ran out of camera battery and I also realised that I didn't bring my charger. THE HORRORS!!! So my 3d2n stay in PD has virtually no photos. Tapi adalah sikit2 ambik gambar.





Click HERE for more pictures yang tak banyak sangat tu.

The trip was really good. My dad came along. I took the old road pengkalan balak and sort. Alot of stops along the way. The kids get to run like crazy and the atok get to really spent time with them. This can be an annual thing for us. Last year was gunung ledang.

I spent my time reading as well and managed to finish Ayat-ayat cinta. Mantap. There are moments that I cried reading the book. Hmm I can't remember which passage. Tapi ada satu part ni funny. Masa dia kata rakan2 dia yang ngaji dengan Sheikh tu kasihan kat dia sebab dia murid kesayangan cikgu dia. Kelakar aku rasa. ACtually banyak gak funny moment. Saya tengah menteleah kali kedua ni. I like the book becaue I can feel what the writer says about the summer heat and the winter cold. I can relate to the arabic convo (especially helped by the footnoteslah of course) and it certainly remind me of the recently married couple in Qtar hari tu. The groom pun Indonesian gak. Tak taulah ramai awek rebut dia ke tak. he he mungkin harus ku tanya sama dia. And after that I sent sms to lover in Indonesian mode.

"AKu perlu bicara sama kamu"
"Sesuatu yang sirius"
"Apakah kau sudah tiba di rumahmu?"

and after that he gelabah-gelabah open the YM and asked me what happen I said
"Apa yang kamu ribut-ribut begini"

Hahahha. entah betul ke tidak.

I want to get the other malay/ Indonesia book yang femes amat tu. Tasbih something. Apa ah tajuk dia?

I managed to get one session of facial. Sakit nak mampus! Nasib baik dia kata tak banyak yang nak di korek tapi muka banyak bekas jerawat. Huhuhu.

Will

Well I am going to shop for certain things. Like I prefer buying skirts in Malaysia because I can at least find my size i.e. my length and I prefer the design here. tak gaudy. Books. Barang penjagaan muka. Tudung. he he.. rempah ratus. Nak jumpa kawan-kawan.

And I am thinking of selling our car. Mazda Premacy year 2004 Color red mengancam. SPorty look. Good condition. Accident free (So far, Insya Allah) Any takers? Email me if interested.

mengarut betul entry ni. bebel tak henti-henti.

by the way efx is back.

Oh oh and another story

Continuation from the previous entry.

10 years and nine months ago, the office I was working for shared the same premise with one of the universities in Malaysia. Thus the dispensary that I went to is also the dispensary for the university staff and students.

So I happily drove in the borrowed car to the dispensary. The world was such a happy place that day. The trees were waving at me. The birds chirped gaily. There were clouds of bunnies and cute kitties in the blue sky. OOhh happy happy happy.

I smiled at everyone in the dispensary suspecting that they can tell I am pregnant. Oh I wish I could tell them the news now. That I do know even before your test my pee in the container, I KNOW! Lihatlah dunia! AKu mengandung!

However, the world turned a slight gloom when the counter makcik told me that I was positively pregnant. She didn't look excited. She actually looked angry. Hmm, is this the reality? That people are usually not happy when you are pregnant. But then who cares, maybe makcik-makcik ni tak ada perasaan kot.

There were no smiles but only frowns. Some were even staring at me. But I continuously smile and feeling like skipping in the rain and twirl around a light pole. Finally one of the makciks asked me something, itupun after I asked will they be giving me any folic acid. She asked what course am I doing now?

Course? No I am not a student. Saya kerja kat department rancang merancang.

OOOHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Dah kerja ka? Then only uproar and then only they asked anak no 1 lah ni. Tahniah tahniah. Even the doctor (eh bukan doctor but medical officer) came out congratulating me.

Errrr...no wonder they look at me one kind only. They thought I was a student. A student who termengandung luar nikah. Jeng jeng jeng.

If 10 years ago, I would happily tell you that the gist of the story was I looked so young that I can pass as a student. But uhuk uhuk as I don't think I can pass that look again, that would become a lost point now. So I want to tell you this.

These are all caused by berburuk sangka. To me lah. Kalau ya pun I was a student yang mengandung, I could be a married student kan? And plus kalau betullah I was pregannt luaran nikah, why would I be stupid enough to do my pregnancy test there? Cari nahas namanya tu.

Even my previous entry was about berburuk sangka. because I had buruk sangka to Mosh, I was rude to him. And because the makciks buruk sangka to me, they had their bad thoughts of me. Sebab tu lah kita takleh buruk sangka. Sebab macam-macam fitnah boleh timbul.

Having said that, we also should not allow the situation of people to buruk sangka on us without trying to explain ourself. For instance I might be seen talking to a young man alone in my house. I know some people saw me entering the house with him. He is actually my brother. (ini macam ada satu kisah filem melayu 80an. Rosnah Md. Nor kot berlakun). I know also that some people would be suspicious, but I never care to explain or sikit-sikit mewar-warkan that the man was my brother. Thus I continuously lead other people to think that I was with a man in the house.

I read this story about nabi Mohammad S.A.W. who explained himself quickly after someone saw him walking with a woman who was actually his wife. But I can't tell you verbatim, buku tu kat Qatar daa.

Syaitan will always take opportunity to whisper bad things to people and they would quickly spread the evil syak wasangka to people. So we must quickly explain ourselves before many people termakan syak wasangka syaitan.

Anyway, after the makcik counter dah tau the real thing, the day began to lit again. Tra la la la. And I gave Mosh's key back.

I have something to tell you Mosh. Tee he he. That was probably what I said after that, forgetting that I was rude earlier.

---

Added on 26th March 2009. Specifically for AzGrowlen. (even though it's difficult for me to call him by this name)

Anyway here is the story during the Prophet's time about not leaving room for Shaytan to instill suspicion in people's hearts

Bukhari and Muslim narrated in their saheehs that Safiyyah binti Huyay, the wife of the Prophet said: "The Messenger of Allah s.a.w. was in i'tikaaf, and I came to visit him one night and spoke to him, then I got up to leave, and he got up to take me back home." Her house was in the neighbourhood of Usaamah ibn Zayd. "Two men from among the Ansaar passed by, and when they saw the Prophet s.a.w. they quickened their pace. The Messenger of s.a.w. said, "Hold on! She is Safiyyah bint Huyay." They said, "Subhanallah! O' Messenger of Allah!" The Prophet said, "The shaytan flows thorough a person like blood, and I was afraid that he might have whispered some evil (or something) into your hearts."

Al Khattabi said: "This hadith recommends that a person should beware of every situation that may cause suspicions to arise in people's minds and theat he should try to keep himself safe from the people by explaining everything that may look suspicious."

In a similar vein, it is narrated that Al Shaafai (may Allah have mercy on him) said, "The Prophet s.a.w. was afraid that some suspicions may enter their minds thus causing them to commit kufr, so he said that out of mercy towards them, not because he was worried about what they would say."

Quoted from the Islamic Creed Series : The World of The Jinn & Devils by Sheikh Umar S. al Ashqar.

10 years and err nine months ago

Haziq is 10 today. Alhamdullilah. Bless that child.

He is still the same chatty and gelabah child I know. But I think he is more selective in his conversation and do not necessarily strike a conversation with everyone now.

He is doing well in his studies, topping best for maths and science and top three for the rest of the subjects. He was in his school play as the Gatekeeper in the Wizard of Oz and did extremely well. he was funny and very relaxed. A real turn of character for him. See some pictures HERE. Haziq still has a very strong memory. He can retain lots of things. Hmm..I wonder how best we can nurture him eh.

You can tell, I am happy with him.

Some relevant reads
NGANDUNGKAN HAZIQ
HAZIQ IS SEVEN
HAZIQ IS EIGHT
AND HAZIQ BECOMES NINE

But today I want to tell you a story about the day I found out I am pregnant with him. Him being my first, everything about him is really a newfound experience. I remembered doing my self pregnancy test and finding out that I was positively pregnant. Oh how thrilled I was! I was skipping inside out.

But of course I want to be doubly positive so the next day I went to the dispensary near my office. The thing is, I didn't have a car then. My lover was using it. We were sharing car between us.

But I must must must go to a somewhat doctor. Pee myself in a little container so that someone can check them and confirm that I am really really pregnant. Sure I can wait and see other clinics near my house. But nooooooooooo I must must must check it now. during office hour for I cannot contain this excitement any longer.

Hmm I must borrow someone's car. tap tap tap. who? who?

Hmm then I saw mosh. Mosh is also a fellow blogger in the efx (but now efx is down or defunct, so he is a lost blogger). ANyway Mosh was my ex colleague and at that time he had a car. Even though it was a borrowed car. Still he had a car.

So I asked to borrow it, and he said yes.

But then he also managed to ask me why am I going to the dispensary.

I really do not understand myself during those years you know. It was 10 years and nine months ago. I was always suspicious of people. I was always thinking that people can read me. And at that time, I was guessing that mosh knew I was pregnant and perhaps perhaps he was going to blurt it out to everyone. I was like that bad smeagol thing. Always suspicious.

So in defense I retorted and said something like aku punya pasallah. apa kau sebok. or what i said I don't really remember. What I know was, it was quite rude.

I did, without shame, took his key though and drove to the dispensary.

Really looking back, I think I would hate myself. Why Mosh didn't hit my head escapes me. All I could say is I got a tummy ache and let go a fart in his cubicle and that would have been easier and perhaps funnier if not unladylike. But I just had to shout at him.

Anyway..why am I writing this? It just occurs to me, that each time I write something about Haziq, mosh would never fail to remind me of my rude manners. he would say something like..oh I still remember when someone someone wanted to borrow my car to the dispensary or something to that effect.

So today 10 years and nine months later I am making a public apology to Mosh for shouting at him and being suspicious of his goodself when really I should be sweet mannered especially when I wanted to borrow his car. I should not have done what I did. I am sorry.

So hopefully for haziq's next next birthday, I won't find Mosh repeating the same line against me. That is if he can find in his heart a way to forgive me. Hu hu hu.

And also 10 years and nine months ago I was 7 kilos lighter.

A valid fear

I was walking with little Zachary that fine afternoon. He was his normal jubilant self, doing his little run away from me now and then. He ran from me and laughed and came back.

I would call him out when he is too far or when we are near to a junction. Really where do they get so much energy. I can't cope with him with all the excess baggage I had to carry all the time.

And there he went again running. This time he was a bit bolder. He ran straight into this little crowd of people. I was really clumsy with all the plastic bags of what nots I bought earlier. Trying to balance the bags, I tried to watch his whereabouts in the crowd.

As I was nearing the crowd, the crowd began to slowly disperse.

Zachary. I called out. He didn't answer.

Zachary! I called out again already frowning. He didn't answer. In fact he was not even there.

Zachary!! I called out frantically.

Zachary!! My heart pumps hard. I could feel it on my chest. I started running. Looking for him in the kopitiam where the crowds were.

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

I went to some clothes shop next to it. Usually he loves to hide between the rails, between the hung clothes.

Oh Allah! Allah! Please! Please! Let him be there.

He was not.

Ya Allah! Ya Allah!

I started calling his name out loud. ALready cryng! Panic swallowing my pride.

People just stared at me. No one dared to come to me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE???

I have lost my son. SOmeone help me please.

Then the nyonya at the koptiam came. In between my sobs, i explained to her and finally showed a picture of Jack. The only one in my purse. His one year old passport photo. Damn! Why is there no newer photo of him.

Aiya! Gua ada nampak satu lelaki angkat itu budak terus masuk satu van. Gua ingat itu bapa dia.

WHAT?? Tolong nya. Tolong talipon polis sama saya. Tolong nya.

Ya Allah! ya Allah!!! Nooooo

I ran! I ran to where the van was supposedly to be heading. I hope that Muar being a one way street, I would bump into him.

I ran and cried. I cried really hard.

Then I woke up.

I sobbed so hard, my face was all drenched with tears. I can still fear the panic in my blood. My heart was still thumping furiously when I woke up.

I had this bad dream long time ago. Two weeks before adik Sharlini was kidnapped. Even the thought of this dream brings shiver to mee. I was still lucky that it was only a bad nightmare.

To tell you the truth i fear coming back home. It is such a shame, that I feel fear to go to the country I really love and to the country I call home.

My friends in Qtar who have strong objections to wives going back alone without their husbands were always kind enough to give advice about being careful and to be extra vigilant when I am in Malaysia. SO much so that I got rimas.

I was so rimas that I said, you know in all these kidnapped cases reported in the media if you notice, both parents were there. Either in the house, in the shopping mall or somewhere. Point is both parents are in Malaysia.

Sigh. I don't knowlah. What's happening to my beloved country. Not a night passed that I felt scared sleeping with the kids in my KL house. Any sound caused me to jump at night.

As I locked all locks, I prayed to Allah. MAy Allah protect my family and I from all evil doers.

Extra vigilant and a lot of prayers.

Oh so green

What is wrong with efx?

I am in Malaysia now in case you are wondering. I touchdowned last errr bila eh last Saturday. Jetlags and all. Been sleeping late till today.

Batrisyia exclaimed, there are so many trees in Malaysia. bestnya. There are even trees in the airport.

Jack loves my house in KL. He said this is a BIIGG house. And my house is not so big.

It rains on alternate days, and on the day its not raining, there are nice puffy clouds in the sky and the heat is tolerable (tapi berlengas amat). Even the 1.00 o'clock sun that I use to dread before is pleasant. Walking out at 9:00 a.m in Qtar already scorches my skin.

I went to KL the other day. You know to do a bit of tempah baju raya thingy before they don't accept any tempahan anymore. And also to check out my house.

I sort of know what to expect now from my house. As expected, as I opened the door I can smell the dust. Do you know the smell of dust? I know. After many times going through this, I know that dust smell. A 10 months piled up dust sticking on your floor, on your wall, your curtains, chairs, hanging in the air. It is everywhere in your abandoned house. You just can't escape the smell.

When you breathe, you are breathe dust. You walk through dust. If you gazed at the ray coming through the slit of your windows, you can see the dust moving slowly in the air. You would think that dust only follows the ray, but because of that sharp dust smell, I know I am swarmed by them.

They are evil, them dusts. Evil! Evil! Thy really do hate you interfering their luxury living for many months. And they'll do everything to get rid of you.

At one breath of the clearly not fresh air in the house, your body starts building up its defense mechanism. And you would start to sneeze. Alhamdullilah for the sneezing for there would come a moment that it won't sneeze no more. The dust has managed to climb further into your nostrils and mucus starts building up. You would be able to blow it initially when finally you would have blocked nose. This usually happen when you want to go to sleep. Your eyes gets watery and worst itchy and red. Your whole face feels prickly like small bugs walking all over it. You wake up the next morning with a light sore throat.

Last year I suffered with flu for days. Terrible. Clarinasse in hand please.

This has become my routine. To quickly strip the bedsheet. Vacuum not only the floor but the walls and the doors. Wipe everything reachable first. Strip the curtains. Do it many times and then mop.

As expected also many things broke down. The fridge is out. The TV is out. I had to nick my dad's 14" TV so the kids can play PS2 and therefore save my life.

But its so much better than finding your top floor flooded and half of your bookshelves drenched in water and some wooden stuff soggy and covered with strange looking moss. That was last year.

Its so tiring. This is the part that I hate being domestic. The next round I am going to KL, I am calling the cleaners to do the fine tuning. Fine tuning includes doing climbing job wiping the dusts on all the hanging lamps and fans and curtain rods (that I have not done). Cleaning up all the toilets. Basically doing things that I don't like. And that are many.

It's a war, this dust and I.

And hmm I didn't know that megasales has started.

Breeding Philanthropists

I have finally agreed to myself that I DO want to give the kids some allowance (monetary) sometime ago especially after THIS episode with Sya. But still it wasn't an immediate thing, but alas it was something that I felt like giving in the hope of teaching them other things, Insya Allah.

So we sat down and discuss the list of things that they must complete every week in return with some "salary". The earnings is really little actually. Seriously. It's only half of daily allowance to some people. But to them it's really big. You should see their exhilarated look on their face when they put that amount of money into their respective wallets and guard them precious paper, like its the whole gem in the world.

This allowance also come with a warning. If any of the task is incomplete or work is not done to par (my standard), I won't hesitate to cut off 50 dirham of each of the task. There will be checking day which is on Tuesday where preliminary warning is given. Come Friday, if the task is still not completed, I would cut their allowance. And believe me I have done that. There are times that they only get QR1 a week. I am yet to execute that they got none.

You would see them really cleaning up after their Fardhu Ain class on Friday. And you may also witness one of them would complain that the other is doing nothing (always Sya) or that one is doing extra job (always Sya again).

Extra jobs, if considered worthwhile, will be rewarded with bonuses and this is solely my discretion. Ohh I am so powerful.

I also reward things for extra good behaviour: like when they behave when we entertain people, being brave : when they pull out their tooth themselves, when they show tremendous progress : naik juz quran and also doing well in their studies.

Ad these will all be recorded in a balance sheet. A simple one with amount, credit and debit column and balance. And the last check, Batrisyia had her balance sheet not balanced. She had lost her money and also the other week she had more money than what she recorded. Isk isk. I think I need to concentrate on her adding (and subtracting) the bigger number (which is not lah so big).

So far so good. The room was way better than before and the cooperation (and reporting of lack of work) has also increased. But I am also doing this, because I WANT to give them allowance and to have them feel the idea of managing money and earning (somewhat).However, so far they have not been using it. So the balance sheet has always been in the adding column. But Haziq has been planning that when he has reached certain amount, he wants to spend it on something. Well he earns it.

The other day, Sya's school asked if we would like to donate to the fire victims in the Industrial area here. This area also housed rumah kongsi labourers. They lost everything. Their savings. Living quarters. Food. Everything. So I looked for dried food that can be given like flour, sugar, salt, biscuits, milk and also blankets and shirts. I also gave some money.

Then a thought crossed me. I asked the kids, whether they are willing to part with some money to give to these poor people. Amazingly, they said yes without any hesitation. Sya gave half of what she had. Haziq gave slightly less but was still alot.

I was seriously taken aback. It is not easy to part with money especially they did have much to start with. You can tell, I was extremely pleased. And that was the beginning of a bracketed number in their balance sheet.

Sya kept on asking whether Allah would be pleased with her. Oh Sya also mentioned that she took months to collect those. Heh heh. Ada jugak tu.

I seriously wanted to reward them. At first I thought of returning the same amount of money and doubling it. Then I thought it would not be so good. It might take away their "ikhlas" in the future. My lover suggested that we reward them extra during eid without direct mentioning to this philanthropic behaviour.

I know this is only one thing. Doesn't qualify them as anything. But I hope to encourage them to have this value in their life. And pray that Allah makes it easy for us to part with our worldly belonging to help others and eventually help ourselves in the world after.

Seriously that day. I learnt from them.