Saturday, July 12, 2008

A valid fear

I was walking with little Zachary that fine afternoon. He was his normal jubilant self, doing his little run away from me now and then. He ran from me and laughed and came back.

I would call him out when he is too far or when we are near to a junction. Really where do they get so much energy. I can't cope with him with all the excess baggage I had to carry all the time.

And there he went again running. This time he was a bit bolder. He ran straight into this little crowd of people. I was really clumsy with all the plastic bags of what nots I bought earlier. Trying to balance the bags, I tried to watch his whereabouts in the crowd.

As I was nearing the crowd, the crowd began to slowly disperse.

Zachary. I called out. He didn't answer.

Zachary! I called out again already frowning. He didn't answer. In fact he was not even there.

Zachary!! I called out frantically.

Zachary!! My heart pumps hard. I could feel it on my chest. I started running. Looking for him in the kopitiam where the crowds were.

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

I went to some clothes shop next to it. Usually he loves to hide between the rails, between the hung clothes.

Oh Allah! Allah! Please! Please! Let him be there.

He was not.

Ya Allah! Ya Allah!

I started calling his name out loud. ALready cryng! Panic swallowing my pride.

People just stared at me. No one dared to come to me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE???

I have lost my son. SOmeone help me please.

Then the nyonya at the koptiam came. In between my sobs, i explained to her and finally showed a picture of Jack. The only one in my purse. His one year old passport photo. Damn! Why is there no newer photo of him.

Aiya! Gua ada nampak satu lelaki angkat itu budak terus masuk satu van. Gua ingat itu bapa dia.

WHAT?? Tolong nya. Tolong talipon polis sama saya. Tolong nya.

Ya Allah! ya Allah!!! Nooooo

I ran! I ran to where the van was supposedly to be heading. I hope that Muar being a one way street, I would bump into him.

I ran and cried. I cried really hard.

Then I woke up.

I sobbed so hard, my face was all drenched with tears. I can still fear the panic in my blood. My heart was still thumping furiously when I woke up.

I had this bad dream long time ago. Two weeks before adik Sharlini was kidnapped. Even the thought of this dream brings shiver to mee. I was still lucky that it was only a bad nightmare.

To tell you the truth i fear coming back home. It is such a shame, that I feel fear to go to the country I really love and to the country I call home.

My friends in Qtar who have strong objections to wives going back alone without their husbands were always kind enough to give advice about being careful and to be extra vigilant when I am in Malaysia. SO much so that I got rimas.

I was so rimas that I said, you know in all these kidnapped cases reported in the media if you notice, both parents were there. Either in the house, in the shopping mall or somewhere. Point is both parents are in Malaysia.

Sigh. I don't knowlah. What's happening to my beloved country. Not a night passed that I felt scared sleeping with the kids in my KL house. Any sound caused me to jump at night.

As I locked all locks, I prayed to Allah. MAy Allah protect my family and I from all evil doers.

Extra vigilant and a lot of prayers.


Nadia said...

huih.. suspen je.. ingatkan jadi betul-betul tadi...

we going to feel insecure selagi manusia yg jahat itu tak dapat ditangkap...

semoga dapat jumpa balik la adik sharlnie tu...

Intan Saleh said...

as i read, i hoped it was a nightmare. thank God it really was.

i cant agree more with u. as lil girl, i used to cycle roaming even beyond my normal neighbourhood. i dare not to give my children similar freedom.. it'll b a shame.

jalan tengah2 malam buta kat melben ni rasa lagi selamat than on broad daylight in KL. lagi2 ive experienced robbed in my own house in front of my own two eyes waktu balik dari kerja. i trauma sebulan lebih. heck.. i still strauma lagi.

u take care, lollies. i hope ur fear wont interfere to enjoy the fact that u r 'home'.

atiza said...

hari tu pun jimi got lost for few min.luckily kat dalam school compound..tak dan nak blog..

mommy@lif said...

uh.. suspense giller.. thank God it was just a bad bad dream..

too bad kids nowadays do not have as much freedom as we did last time. tapi better safe than sorry kan?

wahh habuk semua sudah vacum kah? welcome home.. tak tau awak sudah sampai

KakNi said...

Nasib baik mimpi aje... hu hu hu...

famyGirl said...

i seldom let my kids outside to play on their own. biarlah org cakap saya paranoia. better safe then sorry, no? too many cases yang menakutkan lately. macam surreal je.

like intan, i used to cycle freely around the neighborhood masa i kecik2 without any worries. but times have changed, unfortunately.

Lollies said...

mamarawks - itulah. sedih sangat kisah adik ni.

intan - tapi you know some nightmares, they just seem so real. terasa sangat takutnya. jantung masih terasa sakit mengingatkan igauan tu. imagine those families yang ebtul2 mengalaminya. seriously tak tau apa nak buat.

so far it doen's interfere the fu. cuma vigilant sikitlah. bebudak ni dah biasa kat qatr boleh berlari sana-sini. kat sini asik kena warning aje.

sekarang kita tak takutkan budak dengan momok, orang jahat jauh lebih real.

atiza - oh panic tu. eh dia dah sekolah ke?

mommyalif - kita jumpa2 nak at the end of the month?

famy - tulah. teringat kesah kecik2 dulu. i rasa jalan tempat slightly sunyi. memang tak merasalah budak2 ni. no way i will allow.

Lollies said...

akuni - ah ah nasib baik mimpi aje.

Neeza Shahril said...

tell me 'bout it.. my husband always fear to go to shopping complex like S0go sebab ingat tak kes budak lelaki (lupa dah nama dia) hilang kat situ kan..
recently, when we went there, we decided that my sister and I went shopping and the kids were taken care by the dads at the karaoke centre kat atas tu..
our country is not a safe place.. rasanya saud1 ni is much more safer..

Blabarella said...

I share the same fears when I think of going back. Looking forward to being back in my tanahair, but terrified of things. Just a few days ago, my grandfather's brand new Honda CRV kena curi from the garage at 2am. Even with heavy electric gate and all, it doesn't deter those evildoers. Nasib baik diorang tak masuk rumah .. only my grandparents were home that night. *shudders*

Blabarella said...

Ish, ter-send when belum habis tulis comment.

Need to be extra careful, extra paranoid, everything. May God look out for all of us!

Anonymous said...

you know..kenny ong who got murdered is my fren during my secondary of my aunty kena bunuh in her house, kena tetak on her neck 2 inch nak putus by a drug eddict. I saw blood was everywhere. Banjir! Just recently, my cousins house kena masuk perompak masa tgh tidur. She and her husband kena ikat tangan..kepala kena tutup..kena acu dgn pistol. Anak anak semua tgh tidur. Alhamdulillah tak kena bunuh.

Takut tau...! Ada org kata i nih tak patriotik tak suka nak balik negara sendiri. But well, i susah di negara sendiri, hidup dalam ketakutan, Mcm mana?

mosh said...

lama tak tinggal komen kat sini.

a very good, elaborate description pasal mimpi tu. nasib baik mimpi je.

i would like to be optimistic, somehow. bucking the popular trend, i would always leave my gate opened when we are home on weekends. alhamdulillah, so far takde apa2.

HEMY said...

crimes are all over the place. For any country that still in a peaceful life it's just a matter of time..

Doing crime is something thrilled nowadays...something that makes them felt great..masyaAllah

Lollies said...

neeza - tapikan i heard stories about saudi too. jeng jeng jeng. they say over there, take care of young boys. but then i suppose we need to be extra vigilant kat sinilah. kat sana not as worrying as kat sini.

blab - egypt macamana blabs? ok ke?

dillz - oh dear.that must be traumatic on your part. i can understand you. tak ada apa lagi yang kita boleh buat except doa.

mosh - kalau siang ok kot lagi. malam pun ko tak kunci ke?

anul - tru crime are all over. it is more pertinent in country yang dah maju. the price people have to pay i suppose. the more maju means ramai lagi roang kaya and thus ramai lagi orang miskin and also ramai lagi orang gila.

mosh said...

takde la gila nak buat masa malam. siang je. kalau malam tu carik nahas la.