Our Stray Cat

Since we came back from last summer, we are frequently visited by a stray cat. She was pregnant when she first came. We fed her leftovers. She was a relief to us because sometimes I do not know what else to do with some of our protein leftovers.

She gave birth. I never saw her kids. I only can see the tell tale sign that she has been breast feeding. Then a few months after she got pregnant again. I never saw any of the kittens. And then pregnant again! Such is the life of a female stray cat!

The kids love her and they get nervous when they hear her cries for food. Quick! Quick! feed her!

When I feed her with leftovers, I would feed her outside the house because usually what she would do, she would pick one chicken and eat it on the floor. And i don't like this. However if I feed her from can food, I would feed her within our compound (because she doesnt take it outside the bowl). The problem with feeding her outside is, there are other bigger and meaner male stray cats. They would hog her food because they are gangster that way. I had to guard her food sometimes. Even then, she would surrender her food and hide away. Pfftt.

Despite a year she has been coming over and we have been feeding her, I never get to pat her. She would run when you try. She makes so much noise when we are late feeding her but hisses when you approach her to give her food.

I would sometime bebel, wah wah wah, after a whole time of feeding you, this is what you give me? Taik di bougainvillea ku (I have solved this problem), hissed at me, no showing of gratitude? Enter my house lagi enjoying the aircond. Amboi amboi amboi. Sungguh amat melampau!

But then I am reminded of these verses from Surah Insan 76: 8-11

And they give food, inspite of their love for it (or for the love of Him), to Miskin (the poor), the orphan, and the captive, (8) (Saying): "We feed you seeking Allâh's Countenance only. We wish for no reward, nor thanks from you. (9) "Verily, We fear from our Lord a Day, hard and distressful, that will make the faces look horrible (from extreme dislike to it)." (10) So Allâh saved them from the evil of that Day, and gave them Nadhrah (a light of beauty) and joy. (11)

Astaghfirullah. Why am I asking gratitude from this cat when I should expect reward from Allah? :( I am so weak.



I am feeling sad because I am leaving the house on Sunday and I cannot bring her because I cannot afford to keep cats in the house. And how am I suppose to catch her when she doesnt allow me near her. And I don't know where her kittens are and you should not separate a mum and her litter.

Allah is the one who provides. Allah will replace me with another rizq for her.

We all are growing up

Living in the country that is not yours, we are always reminded that everything is temporary. We are reminded often, because there are always people leaving us either to greener pasture and not to mention death.

My kids have somewhat learned that friends will leave them. They have bid farewell to many close friends since they start going to school, some more painful than others.

The latest one, just last Friday, we bid farewell to one of Mr Fath's daughters. If you have been my faithful stalkers (which are dwindling or non existent now)you would know who the Faths are. Anyway their eldest daughter has completed her IGCSE with flying colours or shall I say with brilliant stars. Scored herself straight As and rightfully take the best place in Qtar for Cambridge papers. Masya Allah! I am so proud of her.

Anyway all grown up (but only 16), she has left Qtar to pursue her tertiary education.

My dad said to me when I was about to leave for UK, that I am a person of my own now. Not fully daddy's girl now. I suppose so. One thing for sure, many decisions were made without may family's involvement. Perhaps my bad.

My heart tugs at the thought that haziq's turn will be coming very soon. About 2 and a half years more.

Oh.








I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

Meanwhile I am making Haziq fold his own clothes. Arrange the clothes in nice stack in the cupboard. And I may be a flunked Goddess but I am very strict about folded clothes on a stack. Soon he will iron his own clothes.

He can fry eggs - both scramble and sunny side up.

Sambal nasi lemak perhaps later?

And I ask Allah that he will instill Quran in his heart wherever he goes and all that we have been doing will guide him on the right path.




Suddenly I am feeling three are too few a children.

Anak sendiri

Ni nak pergi kelas KAFA in 45 minutes.

Sebok mengajar anak orang, anak sendiri pun tak betul.

:((

About Swimming

You know watching my kids learning to swim, it reminded me alot about my late brother.

He was a very good swimmer. he didn't even have to go to any swimming classes. Nobody taught him how to swim either. And mind you, we were urbanites, whatever that means. Basically it means we do not have access to river or little streams like Lat and the gang.

He would just hang out at these swimming pool. Watch people swim and he just swam. And he can do all kind of styles. He was like a merman diving in, swimming in and popping out of the water.

I can't do all these without a teacher. Even with teacher, I still take a long time and became just an average swimmer.

My brother can just dive in the sea from the ferry stopping in the middle of nowhere. Something that I will never ever do.

So yeah. I miss him.

May Allah have mercy on his soul and may we be reunited again.

Doubts

I am not sure that whatever I am doing is enough.

Or worse, whether it is even good enough for my children.

I have a feeling that it is not.

Sure they are learning to memorise. learn some dua'. Learn some sunnahs. A bit about some surahs. A bit of what Allah loves and Allah hates.

But how much of those do they really understand. Are they getting the spirit of it? Or is it just academic? Just a matter of knowing but the real ilmu of khoshiah (fear) to Allah is not there?

I am feeling low and overwhelmed and unsure of myself. They need good teachers. Those with real knowledge.

The truth is, I caught Batrisyia lying to me yesterday. Not only lying, but she also uses their (Haziq, jack and hers) pool money to buy chips in her quran school. (The pool money is their contribution for any donation they want to give out). When I found chips in her bag, she told me, her friend gave it to her. Then I found the jar of money in her bag. Well, guess who got caught with her pants down?

I am very upset. Very. And I can't even think straight these two days.

She has this thing about buying jajan. Another emberassing and made-me-angry incident HERE. And she is the only one who sneaked gula-gula to eat in the duvet.

This is a problem to me. because we have opposite personality. I am against jajans and gula-gula. (But my lover, ayoyo.)

I really cannot stand them. But not to deprive them, I do buy good chocolates and reasonably good jajans. And they do get their share. Before you start telling me to chill, let me tell you, sometimes in the school some people will do parties and bring loads and loads and loads of jajan. I don't know why I need to condone by giving her more money to stuff her more.

I am at my end here. I don't know which one am I am most angry. The lies. The taking-the-pool-money or buying the chips murahan.

Breathe.

The first thing I did was err got upset.
Then the next day she has to return the equivalent amount of money back into the jar.
Next, I am still thinking about it. I am still too upset for a heart to heart talk. My upset means I am angry and I am so in the mood to snap at anyone.

I am also feeling low because the real question is, am I doing the right thing? All this business of teaching them... is it even working?

I ask Allah to grant me wisdom in my thoughts and guide me in my actions. May Allah preserve my children in the deen.

The Woman's Strive

Pilgrimmage (Hajj)
Bukhari :: Book 2 :: Volume 26 :: Hadith 595

Narrated 'Aisha the mother of the faithful believers) said,
"O Allah's Apostle! We consider Jihad as the best deed." The Prophet said, "The best Jihad (for women) is Hajj Mabrur. "

Subhanallah. I understand from this hadith and the experience related by many of my friends, performing hajj will not be the easiest assignment for many people, what more a woman. I am anticipating hardship more than the usual. I am expecting tests imaginable and unimaginable.

And I ask Allah to bestow on me patience and perseverance. Patience has never been my best virtue. I ask Allah that I am also patient with my lover mostly. I pray that Allah will make it easy for me and my lover.

To add to this, I think all women go through emotional jihad. I am feeling very much so at the moment.

The other day I was going through Jack mengaji. He finished his Kursi, then I said to him, "When I am off for hajj, who will check your recitation?" And he replied just the way that we have planned, "Abang will check and help me with my memorisation (he is doing Al Fil now) and both sya and also abang will check my ngaji."

I smiled.

A minute later, he said his eyes hurt. One look at him, I know he was crying. Oh my dear boy. I pulled him close and he sobbed on my lap. And I naturally cried too. And there we were, hugging each other crying. Lover who was there listening to his Kursi just stood there not knowing what to say or do.

And today before Isyak, Sya cried hard. I know she has been emotionally down and I was sort of expecting it. Alhamdulillah all the boys in the house were out. So we had a mother daughter bonding time crying. Just the two of us.

I ask her to make dua for me. Allah is the one we turn to when we are sad and when we are happy. I am doing this for the sake of Allah. She nods. And have faith in Him. Allah will not forsake you. Be strong sayang. We hugged the hardest and moist each others' telekung.

Haziq is swallowing his responsibility as the eldest at the moment. I can see it in his face. he is drafting how best for him to check everyone's recitation when even he has his to finish. I have whispered to him how emotional Jack might become and both Sya and Jack will be needing him. Be there for them. And the three of you for each other. And NO SLEEPOVERS! You are not allowed to be separated.

The children know we are going. And they are all very excited for us. The last umrah trip was beneficial for them. We often talk about the beneficial of hajj. On why I must go. And all of them agree that it is just the best place to be. They sometimes listen to the hajj shows too. Even though Sya would go, must I watch this? :P And were awed at the amount of people at mudzalifah and jamrah. O Allah make it easy for me. I keep on repeating to them about arafah and the special time Allah gives to His wanting slaves. How Allah will boast about his slaves to the angels.

Today we discussed my schedule and my routes and what I will be doing. Haziq said we sound like we are going camping. With sleeping bags and small tent and lots of walking. He said he feels like going. :D I have printed maps, hajj routes, shared with them the schedule and are asked them to mark where I am and the corresponding dates on the maps. Print out a pictorial one page guide of hajj rites. Just so they have a feel.

Alhamdulillah Allah has made it easy for me. The Faths strongly volunteered to take care of the children. In his own strong words, "Don't send it to anyone else! Send them to us! We want the ajr too!". :P.

Allah sent this help in the midst of me thinking where to put the children back even before we went for umrahs. May Allah shower them abundant of hasanat on their family for their kindness and their generosity. I am tremendously grateful. It is not an easy thing to take care of other people's children in doha for the children go to different school. Mr Fath had to wake up earlier than usual to send them to school. Oh Allah give them goodness in this dunya and akhirah. Pardon their sins and elevate their status.

I am writing a will which will concern the care of the children and some wealth. This is equally e m o t i o n a l. Not the wealth part. The death part and everything else that concern the children.

I am planning also to write a letter to each of them (i am that dramatic)with pesanans. "Ittaqullah! Ittaqullah! ittaqullah my children" and some other pesanans that are applicable to them.

Oh Allah make my heart calm and make our hearts strong.

This is jihad for me.

The List is Out

1,200 expatriates selected for Haj
Web posted at: 10/14/2009 3:32:49
Source ::: The Peninsula

DOHA: The Haj Committee has selected 1,200 expatriates, from a total of 5,100 applicants to perform Haj this year.

The selection follows the online registration for expatriates Haj pilgrims introduced by the Committee recently for the first time in Qtar. All the winning candidates were informed through SMS yesterday and they have been asked to complete the other formalities in a week, Haj Committee sources said yesterday.

Qtar has a total quota of 1,500 expatriate Haj pilgrims this year, besides the nearly 4,000 Qtari pilgrims. However, efforts are on to get the quota raised, considering the high number of applicants.

The committee also announced the quota of pilgrims allotted for each Muqawil (Haj contractors) in the C-Category. This category is dedicated for expatriates travelling by road. The selected pilgrims have been asked to contact their respective Muqawils and complete the necessary formalities for the pilgrimage with out any delay. Those who fail to meet the deadline would miss the opportunity to perform the pilgrimage this year.

Meanwhile, the committee has said that all the pilgrims will be vaccinated against seasonal flu and Hepatitis as in the previous years. The vaccines will be administered before their departure to Saudi Arabia.

A senior official of the Medical Committee functioning under the Haj Committee, in a statement issued yesterday, has also clarified that the seasonal flu vaccine given this year is similar to the one administered in the previous years. “Many people were given this vaccine in the previous years and no side effects were reported,” said Dr Faleh Mohammed Hussain, Assistant Minister for Policies at the Supreme Council of Health and head of the Medical Committee. He said the H1N1 vaccine would be given to the pilgrims as and when the vaccine arrives in Qtar.

The Saudi government has made the vaccination mandatory for the pilgrims provided the vaccine is made available before the pilgrimage. If the vaccine is not ready by that time, people will be allowed to perform the pilgrimage on condition that they get vaccinated against seasonal flu, said Faleh.

And I am not in the list. :(

Macam Tak Sangka

I was watching my children play together, and fight, and laughed, and teased and jeered each other, and disturb, and argue and make noise plan naughty things and other things that siblings do.

And I realised that I don't have a sibling to at least criticise just for the sake of it.

Macam tak sangka yang I have no sibling. That my one and only brother is not here anymore.

May Allah have mercy on him. May He forgives him and elevate his status. May we all be united in Jannah.

Series of SMSs

On the second day I was in Makkah, in the early morning, I received an sms from a dear sister of mine. She is one of the daughters of Dr Azh@r. She is the one who got maried last year. Read it HERE.

She asked us to make dua for his brother Mu@dz who is being operated for "nanah in his perut". This was dr. Azh@r's words "hari sabtu mengalami peritonitis dan septicemic shock terpaksa dikejarkan ke dewan bedah utk emergency laparotomy."

I smsed her mum soon after. She was rushing back to Malaysia. She also told me that Mu@dz's kidney and liver were also infected. La hawla Walla quwatta Illa billah.

I quickly alerted everyone.

And days after that we received sms after sms updating his status. Almost all news were bleak. One by one of his internal organ were infected until it reached the brain.

An sms, I received when I was in Riyadh said something like there were too many blood clot in his brain and CT scan showed untreatable damage.

These last few days more sms came in updating that he had chest infection and dialysis had to be stopped as the blood pressure was too low.

Today at 640 p.m. Malaysia time, Brother Mu@dz Azhar has left this temporary world.

Inallilaahi ilaihi rojiun.

I am affected by this news. We the whole family are very close to them. And Mu@dz who was seventeen was like my own brother.

He was always in the dune trip with us. And he was always asking for his photo to be taken. I have so many photos of him. In fact many of his tagged photos in FB are from me.

I remembered when the ASS went for our first dune trip, Dr Azh@r was handling the trasure hunt competition thus he had to leave early. Mu@dz went in our car. We threatened to throw him out of the car unless he tells us the treasure hunt questions as well as the answers. He said he didn't know and that his father was secretive about it. He didn't tell us the questions and neither did we kick him out of the car.

During the hunt, we were contenders. The adults (me) who are cheaters by nature asked him to share with us the answers. And him being an honest boy, refused. We, the losers, won. And the uncles were jeering him for not sharing. I wrote about the trip HERE. The adults were more kanak-kanak than he was.

The last I met him was last December when he came over for the school holidays (he went to malaysian boarding school) and his brother's walimah.

He interviewed me along with his siblings that night. Makcik kena interrogate. From sad issues about my mum and my brother :( to how I met my lover. :)

And our last trip was to Zikreet. I remembered Kak Lina brace herself to drive because Dr Azh@r could not make it. It was all because Mu@dz was around. I remembered during that holiday we were discussing, Mu@dz nak pergi mana lag ya. Jom! Jom! Sebelum Mu@dz balik Msia.

Oh we were together n the dune trip when Elisa came over.

Mu@dz was liked by all of us. he was a sweet mannered boy who showed great respect to everyone. Ask any adults in Qtar who knew him, everyone likes him. He was one of those rare boy species who is pious, can talk properly with adults (not many teenagers have this), very chatty, intelligent, good with children, witty and so many more. Masya Allah.

I was reading some of his friend's blog and I can tell that they love him too. Some call him mualim kecil because he was teaching some of them physics.

i cried so much today. I called his sister thinking that I want to give her semangat. i ended up crying even more.

Please join me to make dua for this young man.

O'Allah forgive all his sins. Make him pure and elevate him to the highest jannah among the pious. Give strength to his family of whom he left behind. May Allah magnify their reward and make perfect their bereavement.

p/s : It's hard to write about him in past tense.


Mu@dz checking out the DSLR surrounded by his beloved

Sesedih sedih aku pun..

As much as I am sad of the demise of my mum, I think it cannot be compared to my friend's sadness.

Ms Y just lost her father. Ms Y is a revert and the rest of her family are not. Knowing that her father died as a disbeliever distraught her tremendously. For we all know the fate of the disbelievers.

I have no words to comfort her. I am just lending her my ears...

We had a small talk with Ukht Waf. And Ms Y raised a few questions..

My father is living in a country which has no knowledge of Islam. The only knowledge of Islam we have is the man can marry four, the muslims do not eat pork and they like to fight and create war. We know nothing of Islam. Can this be considered as deprived of the knowledge of Islam that Allah may forgive one for that?



(silence filled the room)



You know my father never worshiped idols. He does not believe in all that. I have talked to him. He believes in God. Can that be considered he is not a mushrik?



(further silence)



When I heard he was really sick, I told my sister to put the phone on his ears, and I recited the shahadah to his ears. Who knows that he actually believe then.



(still silence)



Can I make a dua for him?

No. Sister you cannot.


I cannot? Not at all? But if we are righteous child, we can make dua for our parents..

Only if the parents are muslim sister.

And Ms Y cried.



And I further realised how much Merciful Allah is. Even after the death of our parents, we can still pray for their forgiveness. And their good deeds and good ilmu they spread will still work for them. Do we even realise how comforting that is to our heart? Knowing we can do such and such for our parents and also for ourselves?

---

Teringat kisah Nabi Muhammad masa the Year of Grief. masa time ni, the muslims kena economy sanction by the Quraish. Tahun ni jugalah Khadijah r.a. dan juga bapa saudara nabi, Abu Talib meninggal dunia.

Kita semua tau kan, despite the closeness of our Prophet s.a.w. to his uncle, his uncle remained a mushrik till the day he died. This grieved our prophet very much. And he made dua to seek for forgiveness for his uncle. And Allah revealed this verse

It is not (proper) for the Prophet and those who believe to ask Allâh's Forgiveness for the Mushrikûn (polytheists, idolaters, pagans, disbelievers in the Oneness of Allâh) even though they be of kin, after it has become clear to them that they are the dwellers of the Fire (because they died in a state of disbelief). Tawbah 9: 113

This ayah was also revealed

Verily! You (O Muhammad SAW) guide not whom you like, but Allâh guides whom He wills. And He knows best those who are the guided Al Qasas 28:56

Dan teringat jugak kisah Nabi Nuh. When he pleaded his son, who was a disbeliever, to follow him to the ark. But his son refused and claimed that he can save himself by climbing up the mountain. He was later engulfed in the high water.

As a father, Prophet Noah a.s., was sad to see his son died in the water, he asked Allah.

And Nûh (Noah) called upon his Lord and said, "O my Lord! Verily, my son is of my family! And certainly, Your Promise is true, and You are the Most Just of the judges." Hud 11:45

Allah said to him

He said: "O Nûh (Noah)! Surely, he is not of your family; verily, his work is unrighteous, so ask not of Me that of which you have no knowledge! I admonish you, lest you be one of the ignorant." Hud 11:46

And Prophet Noah a.s. repented

Nûh (Noah) said: "O my Lord! I seek refuge with You from asking You that of which I have no knowledge. And unless You forgive me and have Mercy on me, I will indeed be one of the losers." Hud 11:47

The same goes for Prophet Noah a.s wife and Prophet Lut's a.s. wife. Both the women were perished due to their disbelieve

Allah has made an example for those who are an unbelieving people: the wife of Nuh and the wife of Lut. They were married to two of Our servants who were believers, but they betrayed them and were not helped at all against Allah. They were told: "Enter the Fire along with all who enter it." (Surat at-Tahrim 66: 10)

Not to forget the infamous of all Prophet Muhammad's uncle, Abu Lahab.

Perish the two hands of Abû Lahab (an uncle of the Prophet), and perish he![] (1) His wealth and his children will not benefit him! (2) He will be burnt in a Fire of blazing flames! (3) And his wife too, who carries wood (thorns of Sadan which she used to put on the way of the Prophet (SAW) , or use to slander him)[]. (4) In her neck is a twisted rope of Masad (palm fibre).Al Massad 111:1-5

And all of them remained to be among those who disbelieve despite having the best of opportunities being the closest to the prophets and their final abode is the Jahannam.

---

Allah knows best.

Hugs Ms Y.

I pray that all of us and also our family will not die unless we are in the state of Islam.

Great Difficulty

I am writing the previous post with much difficulty. Even though the walimah event was a merry one at that time, but the bleak scenario concerning the never ending sufferings now makes it difficult for me to be merry. But check out the walimah pictures there anyway. Click HERE.

My teacher who is also a Philistine, found it hard to teach us yesterday. My heart goes out for her.

Going for jemaah prayer at one of the mosques here, you'd observe their qunut. And it was a maghrib prayer. Ameen ameen ameen to the imam's dua even though I don't truly understand it. But Insya Allah, it's like a universal understanding. At least among the Muslims.

It's cold now in Doha. In the early morning, the temperature reads 6-8 Celcius. I believe it's colder at night. My children are complaining that it's cold. So I wrap them up in socks and sweaters and put on the heater. I also whispered to Jack that he can come and sleep with me, if he finds it too cold. (he is seeping with Sya now by the way) So taking advantage of my permission and my kerinduan, he's been found snuggling warmly at my armpit for two nights in a row.

When it's cold everyone gets hungry quickly. If I don't cook, I can always buy, Insya Allah. And the children will always have food.

Jack showed me a very micro scar on one of his fingers. He can't remember where he gets it.

But the children of Gaza only faces sufferings day and nights. It's cold. Food has probably run out. They don't talk about scars anymore..

O Allah most merciful grant their death a syuhada.
O Allah most strong perish the tyrants who are here to deny your religion.
O Allah most bountiful grant us victory.
O Allah to you we seek help.
O Allah show us the straight path.

My Father Said

"The joy of seeing you and the kids back is short lived knowing that you will leave again.

Baru aje nak lepas rindu dah kena balik. Susah rasanya nak train balik perasaan ni."

I know the feeling.

Jumpa lagi in 10 months time, Insya Allah. We are all missing you.

P/s : Haziq wrote in his introductory composition yesterday, places he likes to visit : Grandfather and grandmother's house. :D

Two Years and 5 Months Later

My father got married today.

And tagged with her are three young children and a teenager.

I don't think I want to wish him the common "bahagia ke anak cucu" wish.

Bahagia would suffice.

And semoga pernikahan ini di berkati Allah.

Loi Loi

I have mentioned to you before that some people are happily matching Jack Jack and Loi Loi together. Loi Loi, if you must know is Mr. and Mrs Fath's youngest daughter. The whole family are very close to us. I must say I am very comfortable with them.

Jack Jack and Loi Loi are always playing together in such if you are looking for one, you need to find the other. And Loi Loi would be very unhappy if Jack Jack is not at the same function she goes. Will Jack Jack be there, she'd ask. This is probably due to that in my circle of friends they are the only two of the same age. (Actually Loi Loi is older by a year.)They talk the same language too. And Jack Jack is quite a gentleman. He even took his time to buckle Loi Loi's sandal on, which was quite hard on his motor dexterity.

Not enough that everyone teases Jack jack and Loi Loi, but they will continuously tease me as the mother in law. Especially when they see me feeding Loi Loi. Suap tangan tu. Habis dah dia nak, suap ajelah.

I don't mind all these, mainly because I have always liked Mr. Fath and wife. I don't mind playing along because I respect them too. They are a delightful family. Lainlah Mr and Mrs Twit. Uhuk uhuk.

And don't get me wrong, I don't advocate girlfriend boyfriend games. But like I said, they are wonderful friends. And we all are almost like relatives.

Yesterday i got news. Not so good news.

Loi Loi fell off the car. A moving car. On the road. A busy road. Mommy's driving.

I was shocked last night. I tried calling them. But either it was engaged or it was not picked up.

My lover was on the phone with a friend, planning something for this coming weekend. I asked him to stop. I asked my kids to make prayers for Loi Loi. Jack Jack kept asking Loi Loi? Why Loi Loi?

I managed to sms Mr. Fath and was relief to be told that Loi Loi is miraculously ok.

I was so relief.

This morning, I bumped into Mrs. Fath in the arabic school. So I asked her what happened. From what she told me, Ya Allah, it was a near miss. When Mrs Fath got off the car, Loi Loi's hand looked like it was under the wheels. But amazingly it didn't hit her hands, instead it was only her sweater. Can you imagine that? And to think some more that Loi Loi fell onto the busy side of the road. And she is small. And in Qatar everyone drives fast. The only consolation was, she didn't fell head first. The other consolation was, Mrs fath just made a U-turn and was not in full speed yet. In fact Mrs. Fath managed to see Loi Loi holding on to the door half running on the road. ya Allah ya Allah!

Please don't bombard me with issues of childlock, seat belt and car seat. I am sure Mrs fath is already guilty as it is. And Loi Loi has never ever fiddle with the lock until that fateful day.

I cried listening to Mrs fath. I cried with her. Right there at the bottom of the stairs in the arabic school. I cried because I was and still am thankful to Allah that he wants to extent the loan of Loi Loi to fath's family, the loan for us to cherish this little bubbly girl. I feel that the family was given a second chance. And for that I was thankful. Syukur! Syukur Ya Allah!

I was feeling so overwhelmed that I could not concentrate in class. I was called almost all the time to the board and I made silly mistakes and then still manage to get myself lost in space only to be called ya Lollies, are you with us? I apologised to my teacher after that and explained why was I so spaced out. She gave me a hug.

I think this incident is a reminder to us all. Child lock. Seat belts. And what nots.

And our love ones can be taken away anytime.

Another year

It must be lonely. Breaking fast by yourself. When you use to have a wife fussing over food. You must have remembered how the four of us would wait at the table for the azan. Eyeing the food. All the time delicious. You have always said the best time of the year was when breaking fast. I must agree for I am enjoying it with my family, your grandchildren.

And then everybody grows up and everybody grows old.

Somehow I also remembered how you have always liked keroncong. I remebered the nights that you dimmed the lights down and put on the turntable to the tunes of old keroncong. Ibu would make you ABC or any dessert and sit with you talking the night out. I would be grumpy because keronchong was just not in. Bukaklah Casey Kasem ke apa.

Ayah, I was watching Mukhsin the other day. At the end of the movie two old couple sang this simple keronchong, maybe a bit low for ayah's taste, but it reminded me of both you, ayah and ibu.

I imagined Ibu singing out of tune and you singing everything like elvis. Or you would strum the guitar while Ibu still sing out of tune. Or you would sing and Ibu would strum, again right chord, wrong strum.


The clip from the movie Mukhsin. Pssstt thanks bear

It's your birthday and I can feel the loneliness.

We all miss you terribly and wish that things are just different.

Happy birthday ayah.

I Can't Stop Crying

Aku belai anak kecilku dari dia kecil lagi. Aku limpahkan kasih sayang kepadanya. Bila dia besar aku terapkan disiplin. Aku kongsi ilmu bersamanya. Aku perhatikan dia membesar di hadapanku. Setiap detik menggembirakanku. Hilai ketawanya. Sedu sedannya.

Dia peluk aku pagi semalam. Dia peluk aku pagi ini. Dia mahukan sesuatu dan memujukku. Aku buat tak layan. Dia sugul. Comelnya. Kasihnya aku padanya.

Dia minta dimasukkan ke kelas ballet. Ibu tak ada duit. Dia sugul. Tapi masih lagi dia datang memelukku.

Ibu masak sedap. Dia senyum memandang aku. Bundar matanya penuh cahaya. Aku kasih padanya.

Dia bergaduh adik beradik. Ibuuu tengok dia ni, jerit dia. Rimas aku. Tapi bila semua tak ada, aku rindukan hingar bingar. Aku rindukan pelukkannya.

Janganlah engkau, syaitan bertopengkan manusia, ambil itu semua dari aku. Engkau, manusia selaku haiwan, dengan nafsu serakah engkau. Hati binatang engkau. Apa hilang sifat kemanusiaan engkau. Engkau merosakkan kehidupan anak kecil itu. kehidupan keluarganya. Keluarga yang memberi kasih sayang sesama mereka. Tidak ada sedikitkah lagi sifat belas kau?

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I was talking to my friends about my kids transportation to school. One of them remarked, you parents are so paranoid. I played in the kampong throughout my childhood. I cycled to school in quiet road. I enjoyed my childhood.

I enjoyed my childhood too. I walked 15 minutes from school when I was in primary. I cycled to my religous school. I go to pasar malam. I go places.

It was perhaps safer back then or I was just lucky.

But I feel afraid to take similar risk with my children. Am I hampering them with great life outdoor? But can they really be safe anywhere. If in the security of home do not promise anything. I feel scared. Scared for my children.

But to my friend, I said, you obviously do not have children of your own.

AlFatehah Nurin. Dunia ini kejam. Tempatmu di syurga sekarang, anak kecil.

7479

My brother told his fiance that his house number would be 7479.

That is my brother's grave's number.

I want to Cry

So I arm myself with "The Kite Runner book - Khaled Hosseini". (I know I know, the book is so basi to most of you already. I am a basi reader) The review says that this book will move even the hardest heart.

I rarely choose books that make me cry. In fact I usually avoid it. I sometimes think it is such a waste of emotion. You see I can't differentiate between fantasy and reality sometimes. That's why I call my self a goddess. However I do not mind inspiring stories, without reading motivational genres. So perhaps "The Kite Runner" will be a good pick. I need the cry.

My lover left for Qatar this morning.

Next summer trip I do not want this arrangement anymore. I will most likely go back to Malaysia early (two weeks the most. one month seems too long) and wait for him to come to me and we go back to Qatar together. I hate the feeling of being left behind.

Anyway after lover left, the kids ran all over the airport. They ran down the escalator. I tried to keep up, but it's my big fat arse you see. Then they ran up the travellator. Haziq then ran on the opposite direction travellator. Because he is a bigger boy and because he knows what he is doing, he ran at what seemingly so easy.

Zachary followed suit. But because he is smaller and does not know what he is doing, it wasn't an easy feat. In fact he couldn't do it. I saw him trying to run, but fell instead. He didn't understand that the travellator is going the opposite direction, like a treadmill. I saw him trying to get up with difficulty an finally he succumbed to the flow and cried all the way.

I was of course trying as fast as i can to run in my little stilettos when all these happen. I shouted at haziq but haziq ran off racing with Sya.

Jack cut his palms from the travellator's groove. Man, was i angry. A few minutes lover left, and a cut on Jack's hands.

He cried all the way to the car. And when all of us are in, Jack said he lost his slippers. Agghh, I ran back to look for it. After sometime, I found it terselit between the door and the car seat. Then I had to make sure I didn't exceed the allowed time to go out of the parking building. I didn't speed. I did not.

I am in Muar now. Plans are to do nothing and nothing at all for two weeks perhaps.

I am looking forward to my next adventures of nothingness.

Dory

Dory's father passed away this morning. I wish I am there to hug her.

Due is to Allah that which He has taken away and His is whatever He has Given. Have patience and seek reward from Him. May Allah magnify your reward, and forgive your departed.

I feel for you.

Sesangat

A few Days after..

I don't know where to start. If this is a place for me to vent out, it would be random writing of things not following any sequence and would come out in spurts of energy or slow dragging self talk.

Images of my brother come now and then. There was this picture when he was young, and so was I. He had straight hair then. His face smeared with powder. Thank you to my mum whom would always smear talc on our face and let our pictures be taken. I have dozens of talc smeared faces pictures. He was standing strainght because that is the best pose he can give. I think the camera was not ours. My dad must have borrowed it. So it's probably a taking-as-much-picture-as-you-can day. In the picture he was laughing. I have always liked that picture for he is so cute. he looked like that little boy in the "eight is Enough" series.

And then we grew up. Somehow when we became adults we tend to have our differences. I for one, did not agree to his ways towards my parents. But then I remembered my mum's wanting eyes whenever he visited her in the ICU. I can still hear my dad crying on the phone when I called him. They have forgiven him. Who am I to be angry at him still? Who am I? And the moment I forgave, my heart gave in. I love you my dear brother. I am glad we were in better term after Ibu passed away. Indeed everything has a blessing.

I want to remember these times. I was a newly wed. renting a condo in KL. He stayed with us. I cooked dinner. I wasn't a good cook then (still not). I cooked ikan masak lemak. I remembered saying, "Entah apa-apalah ikan masak lemak ni". We dined together the three of us. And he said, "Sedap ni (delicious!)" and lookep up smiling at me. And thet is the moment my photographic min would snap a picture. I am printing that in my mind to remember forever. His approving smile.

And oh Iremembered this too. I was in my early pregnancy months with Haziq. It was a fasting month. The moment I break fast, I would have to rush to the toilet and wherever I could get to puke my stomach contents out. A few minutes later, my lover would vomit too. I don't know how he handled the vomit race.

I am still grieving. At moments of quietness when I am trying to swallow that I have lost two of my beloved ones, I would cry. It just sometimes seems not real. I need my grieving time. I will come out. I came out once. I will again.

to my chatting friends : I am doing tahlil. Will get online as soon as house is organised. I love you all. Thank you for being there.