Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I Want Biiiggg One

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I bought some chocolate filled croissants the other day. Zachary wanted one, so I took one out of the clear plastic box. He said Noooooo. I want biiigggggggg.

I think he must thought that I halved the croissant. I said to him this is big. They are all the same.

Noooo. I want biiigggg. Big one.

Because I am quite a rational person and a mother should know better which battle to pick with their kids, I put the croissant back in the box. I shoved the box to him and let him choose for himself.

He inspected the four croissants. After sometime he finally picked one. Satisfied and happy that he got his way and hand with a "big" croissant, he ran to the living room.

Little did he know, he just picked the same croissant I gave him earlier.

Biiiigg one indeed.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Blame the Parents

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketMy parents went to Carefour the other day. We went along too. As usual my mum would pull out the trolley and put me in there. Most of the times Kakak Sya would get in there too. Abang had to walk though.

My parents wanted to get themselves a cordless phone and stopped to compare between one phone to another. I can see abang already busying himself with the PS2 CDs. Even kakak jumped out of the trolley to join abang. I want to join them too. I begged my mum to take me out. "Ibu I want down! I want down!" Ibu trying to read the specs lifted me up and I ran to abang.

I have no idea why abang would want to look at those Cds even. Not that we have PS2 anyway.Yaaawwwnnn. I don't understand all the hype. No one is listening to me either. Hmm. Hey! Look at them biigg tvs. My my. I think I'll check it out. |Abang", I called out to Haziq, "Look! TV!" He usually likes watching the skateboard shows on those display TV. He ignored me and was busy reading the back of the CD. OK! I go alone!

Man this is boring. They are showing zoom up movie about flowers. Colourful flowers. Different tv same flower. Yaawwwnnn.

So I walked on further. Then the aisle ran out of TV. I turned, wondering where they all are. Not in sight. But hey look up in front! Are those toy sections?? Yayyyy! I know abang and kakak will always run to the toy section. But I got here first! yay! yay! Padan muka abang. I got to this game console first. I win! You lose!

But this is boring. Where is kakak? She would know what to press. They sure are taking too much time at the CDs.

Suddenly I saw Ibu walking past me looking for something. I shouted. "Ibu. Look I am playing game." She turned and immediately hug me and said where did you go?? Oh! Oh! Somehow I think I am in trouble. I kept quiet. I felt some kind of strange feeling. Ayah came looking angry. he barked that I get in the stroller and not to get out.

Then we moved and past the camping section. My mum was interested with this big garden shed. She opened the door and both abang and kak ran into it. They said it would be a perfect place to play hide and seek. I got up too. I want to play too! Ayah shouted at me! Sit jackjack. I blinked my tears away. But I just want to play with kakak abang.

Then Ibu said, its ok. Make you sure you sit back on your stroller. I played for a while and sat immediately after. I tried making jokes with Ibu. She didn't respond much at first. Until we got to the vege section. I got up and shook my butt to a song. She laughed. Then I sat back. I must please her this time. Occasionally I would got up and sat down until at one point Sya got to my stroller first. Which is fine by me. I want to walk with ibu now.

We got to the processed food section. Abang wanted some nuggets and sausages. I hate this section. It is cold and I cannot see anything. Everything is taller than me. Kakak was still in the stroller. I think I will go to ayah. I think he would want to queue up by now.

So I raaaaannnnnnnnnn. I raaaaannn.

Eh where is ayah? He was right in front of me just now.

He must be at one of the counters by now. Ok I should walk now. Looking at all the counters, I can see m&ms. I know what I want already. I want the green tube m&m. I am sure Sya wants a pink one. Abang who always think he is cool would want the nut one and refuse to take the tube one. He says its for babies.

Where is ayah? Walk further.

You can tell its me if you see me walking that day. I was hugging a big red balloon. We went to Pizza Express earlier and the kind Indonesian waiter gave each of us a big red balloon. Abang's balloon had popped. So i am making sure he is not taking mine. So there I was, walking with a big red balloon in my arms. I am the boy with the big red balloon.

I am worried! I couldn't see ayah. The counter aisle are almost at its end. I clutched my balloon tighter.

An Arab boy came to me and touched my balloon. I would usually smile back but I want my ayaaahhh now. I must not panic. I walked on.

Then I heard it, Jack!! I turned and it was ayah. He quietly pulled my hands and took me to ibu, abang and kakak. Ibu had that look. Sad? I am not sure. I have seen her sad. This is not just sad. She had a worried look. Guilty look and an angry look altogether. Everyone was quiet. I don't know what to say. I sat on my stroller.

In the car, everyone was quiet. It was so deafening this silence. I didn't even hear the radio even though it was turned on. After sometime, Ibu turned around to me. She looked at me. I took it as a cue. Ibu, I said, I want susu. She took me in her arms and kissed me. One long deep kiss on my forehead and I snuggled up to her bosom. Then she whispered something "Not to do that again. I was worried. Do not walk away without ibu and ayah with you. Please Jack. I love you"

I felt sad but was somewhat relieved.

I have this feeling in my heart. But I don't know what it is.

Comforted by the milk, I got up and dodged the big red balloon at abang.

And that was all I wanted to do. Play with the big red balloon.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

My Lover thinks I am Cute

He gave me a cute pendant with a matching ring for our tenth annivessary.

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I am feeling young and am in a skip around in a frilly dress mode.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Balls to Bawl

I was asked by si comel to do this, Bicara di Malam Hari. Ha ha ha ini macam punya tag pun adakah? Anyway this happened last night.

Me : We probably need to get the ballslah. you know it is so difficult to get my size there. Pelik betul. The ar@bs were forever at my balls. I just don't get it with them. SUch big sized man and still they want to use the light ball. You know they were going for 7. Haziq was using 7. Even I use a 9 or 10. They these big sized man with big hands want a 7. how strange. I wonder whether they can fit in the holes in the first place. You use a 12 kan?

Lover : Ah ah

Me : Kak Ita said the cheap one is 300. The better one is 500.

: 300??? How much in Malaysia?

Me : Hmm tak ingatlah. Miss KlSentral said 600 kot with shoes. We definitely need shoes. I think we should do the shoes in Malaysia. Over here definitely pig skin lining punya.

: You ask Miss KLSentral firstlah.

Me : But do you want to do the balls in Malaysia? If you 12, me 10 haziq 7. that would be 29lb. that's about 15kg!!! I'd rather take my ikan bilis and udang kering

Lover : We send through unattended luggage. like your books.

Me : Eh eh eh that Faizal guy that girl his girlfriendke?

Lover : Penyu said no.

Me : Not yetlah tu. But I think she likes him. he he. *love. I think they prolly like each other but they are not sure whether they should say It yet. You know. It can be confusing. do they like each other because there is no else to like here? Like everyone is married and all, so not much choice. Or could they really really really like each other. Is it looovvveee?

Lover : Faizal came for the tahlil do you know that?

Me: oh dia ke? Wonder if he knows it was our house or not. I have never seen the girl before pun

: I have

Me : you have????? where?

: well during Asian Games and sometimes at the embassy.

Me : How come I have never seen her?

Lover : Don't know

Me : How come you have seen her?

: well dia ramai-ramai. In a group of the bacchelors. noisy lots. kecoh je.

Me : a group of what? girls?

Lover : no lah. mix.
Me : how come you notice her then and I don't.

Lover : donnolah you.

Me : how come you notice girls yang bujang-bujang (single) ni?

Lover : nolah. I didn't notice her. Many in the group. Men pun (guys as well)

Me : Just now you said you noticed her.

I had bad dreamslah yesterday. Lover doing tango with a girl. That girllak tu.


Monday, May 21, 2007

Have you done these?

I just remembered that I was tagged by mr moshness. I don't remember the title but the eseence is 10 things that I have done and probably have never been done by anyone else. Something like that. So here goes

1. Starting from year 2 I had problems with teachers and later in life with authorities in general.

2. Fed up I began to flaunt school rules in Form 2.

3. I got slapped by a teacher in Form 4.

4. Despite crashing school rules and colouring my hair I still manage to get away with things. Being a school representative and also in 5 Science 1 helps (I am not proud of this)

5. I was in TV once, for the right reason.

6. While at that I won some considerable amount of cash.

7. I was so gatal on public TV with Jalaluddin Hassan forgetting that my mother in law is watching too.

8. I have hitchiked in the UK. Yikes!

9. Waiting for the next train to arrive, I had to "sleep" in the waiting room with a drunken man during my backpacking trip throughout Europe. Before you uishh and aiyooh me, I didn't sleep with him as in SLEEP ok. I was wide awake eyeing the drunk man while he snored away his stinking beer breath. Both at different coners. I was waiting for the next train to arrive at 4 in the morning.

10. It was my 22nd birthday. I was in Turkey. My then boyfriend was there too. I told him I have to call my lover because I promise him so. I made him wait outside the cubicle while I got myself smitten listening to lover singing happy birthday. We broke up four months later.

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I am not proud of these.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

And he turned 38

Lover turned 38 last 4th May. We wanted to celebrate it but something always crop up during the weekends. Our celebration is of course just eat eat session at a slightly finer restaurant than usual eat out.

We don't have much time during the weekday because of Haziq's ngaji classes for three nights, squash lesson and usrah. So the very the busy.

We wanted to go last Saturday but on the very last minute someone called us inviting us for dinner at their place. I was to the point of hoping and hoping that nobody call us for dinner anymore. At least until we get to go to this eat eat session.

You see I was very excited this time round. Pssstt I bought him a present. Ha ha macam bagus. I didn't get him any last year. Actually it's a bit of cheating since I am earning with his money but then it is mine now kan? And oklah since I am not really earning lots, the present was not much. But I was excited nevertheless. Like a high school girl I was.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketI got him a picture frame. A simple one. A male looking frameNo frill. But a designer one you know Cik Kiah. Well at least I got it from Zara Home Collection. This one is for his office. I printed out a picture of all five of us, which was difficult to choose because there were not much photo of us. Apparently we rarely take family photo. That must be because I am frigging' lazy to take the tripod out. Perhaps I will take a better one later later much much later.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketWe finally get to celebrate his 38th birthday today. I quietly told the waitress to bring out a small cake and sing their happy happy song they often sing for the birthday person. The kids were apa lagi. Delightedlah.

Over here certain restaurants have that birthday sing a song service. In Apple Bees, the cake is free of charge. We had one for Batrisyia the other day. TGIF charges for their cake though. Eh do we have this in Malaysia? I don't know actually. Tak pernah tanya pulak. But the one they have here is really noce because they sang not really the conventional happy birthday song, but some other happy song and some made up lyrics, still on birthday. And they would clap loudly and made the whole thing so vibrant and kecoh.

I gave him the present. He was happy and will definitely put it in the office. yayy. Then he spent the night analysing when and where did I go to get it. After sometime, he asked Haziq. My lover is not as anal.

Now I am a happy happy girl. Discharging unused egg is also over.

So over and out peeps.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Haziq's Life Dilemma

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketA few weeks ago everyone in Haziq's school was given a task of collecting donation to raise fund for the school's intersports uniform. The incentive was, whoever manage to collect the highest donation will have a treat of one hour jumping in a bouncy castle sponsored by the school.

I told Haziq to bring his form to the Fardhu Ain class on Friday. He was a bit nervous and shy to ask from the "uncles" despite looking excited the night before. I told him to pick on one uncle that he is most comfortable with, which he did. The rest was a breeze. Coincidentally on the very same day I was invited to eat eat session for both lunch and dinner. Haziq a little bit courageous, brought the form as well and collected more donation.

I am very proud of him. Be cause really if it were me I would have shoved it to my dad and ask him to get it from his office friends. Actually I wanted to do that for Haziq but decided to drill him first before he grow up and get the idea for himself.

The other thing was he set the precedence. After seeing Haziq talking the uncles to spare some change in the name of school donation, his other friends who are also in the same school did the same too. The little one asked Haziq to help him be the spokesperson. Not that Haziq is a good sales man though. he just said, "Uncle dia ni pun nak donation."

Anyway surprisingly Haziq collected the highest amount in his class at a mere QR250. I was surprised. I expected more from the richer kids in his class. Haziq said some did not even come up with any money.

So haziq get to jump his heart out for one hour under the hot sun on the bouncy castle. The thing is he can bring ONE friend, only ONE to jump silly with him.

And that is his dilemma. He doesn't know who to choose. Many come up to him pleading to be chosen. Those closer to him said something wise, like "Chose wisely" or "Never give promises that you cannot make." Some keep on asking him who he would choose. Someone called him yesterday asking him whether he has make up his mind.

Haziq is totally boggled. I asked him yesterday, in the attempt to be the wisest person he knows, to narrow down on people that he would really really have fun to play with. After a KFC lunch and a lot of running with his siblings in the mall, he said he has come down to two. But he couldn't make up his mind.

I suggested him to ask his teacher whether she can make exception and allow him to bring two. I doubt it'll work but I think it is worth trying anyway.

Then I said if it fails perhaps you can ask teacher how much did the two boys collected for the donation and perhaps you want to reward to the one who has the highest.

If that doesn't make him happy, he can just follow his guts.

Haziq is not as anal as I am. I know these two boys one is in the same nerd group as Haziq is. Oh yeah Haziq is in the nerd group. the one who is doing well in maths and all. The other one is the one who plays a lot and Haziq seems to be playing alot with him lately. So much that his schoolwork drop. Haziq's teacher was worried about Haziq slacking sometimes early last term and has identified that Haziq is very distracted with this boy playing in class. We both concluded that he is tired of being the goody in the class and wanted a wider range of new friends.

So I don't know. I told him to make special doa to seek for Allah's guidance for him to choose. I told him to stick to his decision and know that he makes the right choice.

I also told him to relax, don't be boastful, be humble to those not chosen and HAVE FUN!

I am so anal. I can't wait to know who he would choose.

Monday, May 14, 2007


If you do not know already, the horn is the most important instrument in any transportation mode here in Qtar besides the accelerator.

Everyone honks here. They honk when they want someone to get out of the way. They also honk when they want to give someone way. They honk when someone crosses the road. They also honk when they want to allow someone to cross the road. Sometimes they beam. They honk the minute the light turns green. They also think they have the right to think for the vehicle most front at a busy roundabout. If they think the most front car is slow, they would assist by honking telling the car to move and kill oneself.

This may sound somewhat normal. What I find most surprising is people honk when they want to buy something from a sundry shop. They would stop in front of a shop and honk for their service. Sometimes as loud and as annoying as they can. Sundry shop, juice stall, kebab stall even certain fast food joints.

Even for a pack of ciggy, some people find it hard to get out of the comfort of their car and get it themselves. They must be served. Sometimes they couldn't get a parking spot in front of the shop. They would still honk creating confusion to which shop they are referring to. Ayooo.

Anyway. I became a honker the other day. Yes glare at me. Snicker snicker.

I was not feeling well the other day. You know that day I asked my lover to pick up the kids and he was worried of his punctuality. OK Ok excuses sexcuses. I was too sick to cook, so I decided to buy lunch instead. I went to a briyani restaurant.

AT lunch time the restaurant was full of men, mostly the labourers from the nearby construction site. The trenchers workers maybe among them. I really was not comfortable to go into the restaurant and getting stared at. So I decided to honk. Do what the Romans do.

I didn't get the best parking spot. I had to park slightly at the side of the restaurant. So how should I honk? I do not like the loud rude HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNKK! So not goddessy. So I honked in the cutest way I can. honk honk. Like Noddy's honk. Can you hear them? honk honk. That was my virgin honk. I had to honk several times to get their attention. I was that demure.

When I did, someone came to me and I made my order. It was another ordeal ordering one chicken briyani and another grilled chicken with no rice. The Bangladeshi guy speaks minimal english as I, Arabic. Uridu Dajaj Briyani and err grilled dajaj no ruz.

He got the right order and I gave him the money. He then asked me where I am from and whether I am working. Ohh sometimes I hate friendly workers. I mentioned HUSBAND loud and clear.

He came back for my change and asked for my phone number.

I don't think I will honk that restaurant ever again.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Leftover kaw kaw sambal ikan bilis

And what do you do with a leftover super kaw kaw sambal ikan bilis? Pau sambal of course.

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I am salivating still.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Korek Hidung

Do you know that korek hidung is also considered as hadas kecil? Meaning kena ambik air sembahyang balik sekiranya perbuatan tersebut dilakukan sebelum sembahyang.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


The public works here is digging deeeeeeeepppppp, looooonnnnnnnggggg, BIIIIIGGGGGG trench in front of my house. Circumfering the road around the neighborhood.

This is not a whining post.

I can't park in front of my house. I had to park really far.

This is not a whining post.

I send and fetch the kids everyday. Usually Zachary is asleep each time I go out.

This is not a whining post.

Imagine me walking to the car, carrying a sleeping boy under the hot scorching son of 45 Celcius. Burning my feet under the hot sand in front of the ever staring labourers.

This is not a whining post.

I usually had to make a few trips to lock the door carry stuff carry Jack. It's walking through consruction site. The heat, the dust, the men staring, the loud machine noise.

But this is not a whining post.

These are among the things, that require me to pull every inch of sanity I have within me to stay patient.

I repeat! This is not a whining post.

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The most left gate leads to my house

Do you know that it is a very difficult task to dig up the soil here in the land of the desert. Apparently the soil here is made up mostly by rock. Rock and rock everywhere. The soil is so hard that it is usually used apart of the foundation itself for buildings. The soil is hard that they cannot plainly use excavator to dig. Instead they use a chisel like machine. A mega super sized chisel that is that would hammer the rock down. Boring method is hardly used for it can be very expensive. Trenching process is usually a very slow process of hammering down the hard rock and taking out the loose rock later.

So you know I was just wonderinglah kan, I imagine during the Battle of the Ditch (khandaq). It was in the year 627 that the Moslem men dig up a looooonng trench of about 5km long the northern side of Madinah, a bbiiiiiggggg trench of 4m wide and a deeeeeeeppp ditch of 3m high. With no machine. It took them about 10 days to finish digging (Ref : ATlas of the Quran, Darusssalam). This is part of defensive war strategy. The trench proved succesful for the confederation ARmy (the Koraish) who can only enter through this route, since the rest of the land are mountaineous, volcanic rock and all cannot enter the city of Madinah.

Anywaaayy, my entry really has no point. I was just thinking of the hardship of our prophet, the sahabahs, the moslems during those time. After digging the trench, presumably with soil as hard as the oone in Qatar, they went to a whole long month war surrounded by the enemies.

This is not a whining post. This is in fact a post of romanticism. I am romantic that way. I have always love watching war scenes in epic movies. Particularly when there are metal breasted or better bare chested.

Anyway my hurdling myself through the construction site is nothing in comparison to that.

p/s : By the way The moslems won the war.

O you who believe! Remember Allah's favour to you, when they came against you hosts, and We sent against them wind and forces that you saw not (i.e troops of angels during the Battle of Al-Ahzab (the confederates)). And Allah is Ever All-Seer of what you do 33:9

Sunday, May 06, 2007


I went to a friend's aqiqah last Friday. She just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. There wre many people there. Nearly every Malaysian in Qatar. Wonderful occassion. And the roast lamb and briyani ohh sungguh sedap. Pengsan.

That night also, many people came up to me and wished me condolonces for my loss. Many remembered about my helter skelter of my difficulties to go home when my late mum was admitted into the ICU and couldn't imagine my sadness for the loss of my brother. I repeated the story about my late brother numerous times that night.

This good lady who said to me, "I wanted to call you the other day to send my condolonces but I was afraid I didn't know what to say."

I smiled and told her my story instead. When I was young(er), maybe five years ago, I had a good friend whom his father passed away. I know he is very closed to his dad and I could only imagine he must be devastated. I didn't call him. I didn't even text him. Not a single word of sorry from me. He did mention a month after that that he wished I had said something. For it does make a difference. What more that we are good friends.

I was afraid then to say anything. I was afraid I might say the wrong thing. I was afraid that he might break down and I didn't know how to handle. I thought many have send condolonces anyway, one more wouldn't make a differenece. I thought I should wait till he get out of his sadness then I will say something. I couldn't face the emotion.

After experiencing two losses of my beloved ones, not that it makes me an expert or anthing, but I can tell you this receiving condolonces from friends be it close friend or otherwise or even a total stranger keeps you sane. It's like you feel that people care. It seems like a trivia but feeling that people care and supporting you is the soup for your soul. It warms your heart the moment your heart turns cold in sadness. It bonds you with the people you love. It makes you feel that you are not alone going through the pain. And that feeling helps you cope with the sadness.

It didn't even matter what people say to you. I received text messages saying, I do not know what to say . Even the I do not know what to say was good enough for me. I certainly appreciate the gesture. Or what about this text message, "I am sorry for your loss but who is this? Ha ha ha looking at rotidua.

I don't think there can ever be anything wrong for anyone to say unless of course you laugh and find the whole thing funny. Eeeiii how uncivilised.

Even having to repeat the story over and over again helped me. This of course depends on one's tolerance level, so if you want to ask, I think you should play it by the ears. SOme might be to devastated to repeat the same story over and over again. But as for me, the process of talking actually help me to console myself. It helped me to embrace the sixth pillar of faith stronger. Believing in the divine will. This is perhaps the hardest rukun iman for anyone to fully accept when catastrophe befallen on one. But the constant reminder from the wonderful friends that you have will always put you in the correct path. This is akin to voltage capacitor helping boost a low voltage to somewhat the desired level.

For that my friends, do not be afraid to send condolonces to your friend when he/ she is experiencing losses of their beloved ones. Every little thing that you do help them to cope.

It certainly helped me.

Pesanan di bawa oleh Lollies the Domestic Goddess dengan harapan untuk kebahagiaan manusia sejagat.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I am ok now..

I actually had been feeling down since last week. A week before my brother passed away. That was what I told Dory when we chatted last week. I told her then that I was sad, but I didn't know why. And because I was also clairvoyant, I said no I was not on PMS. I just completed my one week discharging my unused eggs. It was one of those times of sadness and morbid thoughts. A good cry always help. And cry I did..for days.

At many times that I am considering to quit blogging, I am reminded by the wonderful virtual support that we all find here. And when you are away from your friends, in a country faraway from your homeland, when you live day in day out seeing your children, virtual support help you move on. For that sense I am thankful that I have generally select my virtual friends well. Those that help push you up rather than a destructive one.

I have great support here too. Knowing that there is death back home but not seeing it before you and doing your routine as usual, makes you in the state of disbelief sometimes. Like it didn't happen.

I had a tahlil last Monday. I know in some school of thoughts tahlil is actually a bidaah. My ustaz has been harping on it for weeks since last year. He gave the example of poor people having to organised a tahlil and waste the decease's money which is wiser to be spent on other more beneficial purposes. Or the poor had to borrow money just to perform tahlil which is not even done by our own prophet.

What if you can afford it? Financially and mentally. The thing about the tahlil's custom in Malaysia is we have these three days lah, seven dayslah, 40th day lah 100th daylah. In my opinion these are tiring and unnecessary. Particularly if you have seven days in a row after the death day.

I didn't want to have tahlil on the day that I found out which was Sunday because I was not ready to meet people. I want to be alone. I want to grieve alone. Having one immediately during the very night and the next day is something I would probaby cannot afford mentally. Not to mention the cleaning up.

I think all things should be done in moderation. And people should not be talking about you if you don't do tahlil. It is not a must. Why succumb to the pressure if you do not want to. But on the other hand, I think our society has gone up a level on that. I don't know.

I like the one we have here. It is a simple one. No kain sapra, no so many groups of dulangs with dua tiga lauk and nasi and piring kueh and air basuh tangan. A simple buffet. In fact food to me is not a necessity and everyone knows that. But the ladies here are amazing. It reminded me that ok so I complained about some of them, but out of ten of them perhaps only two are the rotten ones. Even the rotten ones were attentive. This is death after all. All of them chipped in and called me up and ask how can they help me.

Sometimes I don't know what to ask from them. A lady offered her helper to help me clean up. That is a biiiggg help.

I didn't invite many people because I couldn't afford the space and the energy, but many came. Which irks Mrs twit the most. Here in Doha usually we only go when we are invited even for tahlil. She said "nanti makanan tak cukup dan kita tak mampu nak sediakan untuk semua".

Oh dear. To tell you the truth, I was honoured that many came. I felt that they care. I think they knew that this is not an open house. It is not a food galore event. They came to wish me well. But the ladies came with pot lucks. So without sounding that food is important and contradicting myself, that helps.

After the tahlil, I slept late and had a good cry again. In the stillness of the night I prayed for my mum. I prayed for my brother. It is argued that those who have deceased do not benefit from any prayers and thus the tahlil does not go to them except to ourselves for our own efforts. I wonder why are we ask to pray for them then. When we recited AlFatehah would that benefit them at all? Then the Yassin and everything?

I don't know, to me, when I read Yassin, it actually benefits me. It calms me down when I am sad. It helps me cope with the losses. Could this be the actual reason we are asked to pray, to berdoa for them?

If all these help the one who still live, emotionally, why not? It helped me.

But now having written so long, I think I am beginning to sound like those Kafiruns in The Quran who claimed that they are only following the tradition of their forefathers. Astaghfirullahhalazim. Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, my niat is only to do good. Show me Huda Ya Allah.

But otheriwse I am feeling so much better now. I just can't wait to go home.

You guys, thank you.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

A few Days after..

I don't know where to start. If this is a place for me to vent out, it would be random writing of things not following any sequence and would come out in spurts of energy or slow dragging self talk.

Images of my brother come now and then. There was this picture when he was young, and so was I. He had straight hair then. His face smeared with powder. Thank you to my mum whom would always smear talc on our face and let our pictures be taken. I have dozens of talc smeared faces pictures. He was standing strainght because that is the best pose he can give. I think the camera was not ours. My dad must have borrowed it. So it's probably a taking-as-much-picture-as-you-can day. In the picture he was laughing. I have always liked that picture for he is so cute. he looked like that little boy in the "eight is Enough" series.

And then we grew up. Somehow when we became adults we tend to have our differences. I for one, did not agree to his ways towards my parents. But then I remembered my mum's wanting eyes whenever he visited her in the ICU. I can still hear my dad crying on the phone when I called him. They have forgiven him. Who am I to be angry at him still? Who am I? And the moment I forgave, my heart gave in. I love you my dear brother. I am glad we were in better term after Ibu passed away. Indeed everything has a blessing.

I want to remember these times. I was a newly wed. renting a condo in KL. He stayed with us. I cooked dinner. I wasn't a good cook then (still not). I cooked ikan masak lemak. I remembered saying, "Entah apa-apalah ikan masak lemak ni". We dined together the three of us. And he said, "Sedap ni (delicious!)" and lookep up smiling at me. And thet is the moment my photographic min would snap a picture. I am printing that in my mind to remember forever. His approving smile.

And oh Iremembered this too. I was in my early pregnancy months with Haziq. It was a fasting month. The moment I break fast, I would have to rush to the toilet and wherever I could get to puke my stomach contents out. A few minutes later, my lover would vomit too. I don't know how he handled the vomit race.

I am still grieving. At moments of quietness when I am trying to swallow that I have lost two of my beloved ones, I would cry. It just sometimes seems not real. I need my grieving time. I will come out. I came out once. I will again.

to my chatting friends : I am doing tahlil. Will get online as soon as house is organised. I love you all. Thank you for being there.