Thursday, April 27, 2006

Mixed Feelings

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I am leaving for Q@tar Friday 2045 (]apparently this is a different time than I tought earlier. So it's at 9p.m. not 4p.m.) flight Q@tar Airways. I wanted to go back on Thursday but there is only morning flight which I am lazy to take. I am leaving for KL today though. Taking the chance to register for Batrisyia's primary school, 2008 intake, just in case. *wink*.

Mixed feelings indeed for me to leave this country again. Naturally I am sad for my dad. A grown man, so used to a companion, living alone can be hard. Sigh. I just hope he can cope with it. I encourage him to join more games, other than the badminton session, to fill his time. I pointed out an archery club. He seemed interested. In fact I will suggest him voluntary work if he wants too. And I hope he will come to stay with me as soon as he can.

On the other hand I am excited to see my lover after a whole long two months. We have never been apart for this long. Man! I am in fact nervous. Tee hee hee.

Do I look fat? I have been eating good food so much, I seriously think I am building more curves than before. And my skin, oh dear. Staying in the hospital, I didn't bother much cleaning it. It's a bit coarse now I think. I went for facial. Then I trimmed my hair a bit. I bought some new clothes. One with a very low neckline, which Batrisyia didn't approve of me wearing it. (Why is it that all cute tops are so small and such low neck lines). But I will wear it on Saturday morning in Q@tar. *Winks.* Oh my! Oh my! I didn't bother with lingeries though for I can find better over there. They come in all sizes.

The other thing, this next trip to Q@tar, I must say I am a bit more relaxed compared to the previous. I was crying all the time then. Four months ago I left with a feeling of fear that I will lose my mother. The fear that became a reality. But Allah is merciful, despite all that, I had the chance to be with her, to talk to her even. An intense quality time together. I get to say everything I wanted. Forgive me Ibu for all the sins I have made towards you. I told her of my memories when I was a little child. To this she smiled. Such as it is, I am content. And I can go with a smile in my heart. She will always be with me. AlFatihah.

A new life is to begin. I will face it, chin up and all, with anticipation.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Lover Misses JackJack

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Dear Lover,

I know you miss those days when Jack would come running to you each time you come home from work. Coming home to an empty house is even more tiring eh? Let alone no soothing hands to stroke you. Ahhh come to think of it you have never been away from this little boy of yours.

JackJack is indeed the special one. He is the one you brave your strong arms to bathe when he was a wobbly one week old. Ten years ago, you wouldn't have thought of doing that eh? I call that brave darling. You are the true knight and shining armour. A stallion you are.

And I must say, I am amaze that even though we had a helper (before) you always take your time to bathe him and even put him to sleep. My heart smiles just thinking about it. Our helper had the best deal in our house. She didn't have to do much.

In two months, JackJack would have changed in your eyes. You know kids at this age, they progress quickly. I must warn you now, remember the game you always play with him before? The shooting game where he would shoot you with his little lethal fingers and you pretend dead and then you reciprocate and he would pretend dead too. Slowly making himself fall to the ground. Cute eh? But well he doesn't play it anymore. So if you shoot him and he ignored, don't be dishearten. Kids get bored easily.

Also he has more vocabs now. You know he can say kakak (sister) right. Now for anything I give him, he would ask one more for his kakak. Kakak. kakak. All the time. I think he adores his caring sister. You can tell, for he is always pulling kakak's hair and hitting her.

Then I would say, "Say kakak" QAQAQQ (he said it with so much emphasis on the k)

"Say abang" (his brother) ABAM

Say Ibu (me) silence

Say Ayah (his dad)YAH

Say Atok (his grandad) TOQ

Say Nenek (his grandma) NEK

He never say ibu you know.

But magic does happen. When he desperately wanting to point to something, most likely a cat, he said "Bu. Bu! Bu!" Patting me and point to the cat. Now who cares about the cat. I was exhilarated he called me Ibu. Then I said to him, excited and all, "Say ibu". Silence again. "Say kakak" QAQAQ. He replied. Oh well.

He loves cats a lot. And would say CATK.

The daily trip to nenek's grave allow him to see the kampung (village) where there are a lot of cows along the riverbank. And he can say cow with so much enthusiasm. Perhaps he can learn the word camel when we go back to middle east. *Wink*. Any exotic trips you are planning for me?

He learn to say the word more, don't want and nak(want), fish, duck, car, tor (motor) and dghink (drink). I can't remember what else. But he can also be very chatty with me and babble to me as if he is actually having a conversation. I would pretend laughing along as if he has said something really funny. To this he laugh too. And it became strings of laughter of no reason at all.

You would be equally surprise that he seem to like to help. He would pick up all the clothes that I dump on the sofa, too lazy to fold immediately, and carry it in font of the TV. Since that is where I fold all the clothes. Or he would put dirty clothes into the laundry basket. Or pick it from the basket and load it into the machine. can tell how domesticated I am now.

Also don't be surprise when he comes to you and grab your hands only to kiss it. Or kiss you on the cheek or on the lips without being asked. Or just a simple hug and a pat on your back. That's how I survive all these while. I am fed with doses of love from him (and the kids).

I know you are worried that he might not remember you. It has been a long two months. Don't worry. As soon as the his abang and akak jump up to you (I am sure they will) he would warm up. Better still when I start jumping on you, he would be happy to do the same.

And at his age one year and ten months, he is still breastfeeding and I have a feeling it will be a difficult one to wean off. I know you told him that those are on loan. But I think darling, he still doesn't comprehend the word loan.

If he can say it, he would say I miss you Ayah. We all misses you.

Lots of hugs and wet kisses with twirling tongue action,
Lollies the Sex Goddess

Monday, April 24, 2006

Photos on the Fridge

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These are some photos I put on the fridge. There are no real reason why I put them there. One of the reasons must be because it is a funny picture with funny memories to go along with it.

Like the picture on the top most right. That's a picture of my lover carrying Haziq (Haziq was about one plus year old) and also trying his best to piggy-back me. My mum took that photo. It was an SLR camera. I remembered she took such a long time trying to click. I set the SLR on autofocus and you know autofocus camera would try to find the sharpest shot possible, thus the lens would move about. Oh the agony of my lover carrying me. I ain't light you know. I remembered saying cepatlah (quick!) and laughing during the shoot.

Going anti-clockwise. The two pictures on the left are polaroids. We just bought a polaroid camera then. We were crazy taking photos of everything. Coincidentally both those photos have a picture of my mum in them. These are taken before she was diagnosed with diabetics, sometime in the year 1999. Happy photos those are.

Then there is Sya's photo when she was one plus, year 2002. I didn't put that photo in her album because the photo had too much clusters and distraction and it didn't fit well with her other photos. I trimmed off the distractions and put up the photo on the fridge instead.

That's a picture of me, ath the bottom, carrying Sya. She was about five months old (year 2001) I had the same photo enlarged and have it pasted in the album. Since there are two same photos, I put the smaller one up on the fridge for my lover to ogle.

And of course, the whole gang bang on Eid 2003. I was pregnant with Zachary then. I like the photo so I put it up. Actually I was too lazy to arrange photos in the album anymore, but I didn't want to misplace this particular one.

I just noticed there was no photos of my dad and Zachary. Hmm as with Zachary, I was already on digital camera and rarely print out any photos. Maybe I should, since there are many funny pictures of him. But it sort off take away the spontaneity of putting up photos on the fridge. To actually print out a digital photo, the photo would have to be selected over the many. Not as much impulse like the rest of these photos.

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And these are Haziq's attempts on painting when he was younger. I stopped putting up any more paintings for there are just too many. Both of the would occasionally put up theirs by themselves. But Jack loves pulling them down.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Weekend Trip

I went to my in-laws' house last weekend. It is about one and a half hour drive, door to door. This is my father's first time being alone after my mother passed away. *Sigh*

I was driving in the rain crossing the Muar River when I looked at the rear view mirror and saw Batrisyia. Her eyes were watery. I asked, "Sya is crying? Why? Why are you crying?" I was seriously trying to recall whether I snapped at her earlier on.

Have you ever ask a woman (or a girl) why she is crying? You know what would happen? The sobs would get heavier and you still get no answers. But do not stop there. Ask her gently. Pull her closer to you. "Why are you crying Sya?" Patting her head. In the midst of her heavy sobs, she said atok (grandpa). And slowly but surely, you will get your answer. (sometimes it is more difficult for some)

She said she misses her atok. She never cry when we leave her atok. I don't think it's really miss that she is feeling. I think she can sense her atok's somber mood . He seemed to be holding back seeing us go. It must be very lonely, all alone in the house. For the first time in your life.

Emotion overwhelm me seeing Sya. I sobbed quietly.

Now I am often surrounded by noise of the kids. Noise so loud and so chaotic, it drives me crazy. I must have driven my parents crazy too at one time. Perhaps there were moments they wanted me to shut up. I am quite sure there were. But now the house is quiet and empty. Loneliness can also be deafening.

And I would be leaving for Qatar soon. I can't bear the thought.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Today should be the day..

Today should have been the day I leave for Qatar. I wanted to go back to Qatar, I said to myself, two weeks after my mother passed away. I thought two weeks would give ample comforting time for my dad and both of us, as father and daughter.

I knew my dad sounded sad (I pretended not to notice) when I told him I planned to leave two weeks after. But he was also rational. It has been more than a month since my lover left for Qatar. The kids have missed their school for so long. (dahlah baru aje masuk)

It was the second night after my mother passed away, after the tahlil, my aunties talked to me. Asking me when am I leaving. I told them in two weeks time. Then they coax me to stay longer. That my dad would be all alone. It's too recent. He needs someone especially now.

I told them, I pity my lover.

They said just a bit longer. For my dad. Look at him, he looks so sad.

He did look sad. In fact, sad doesn't describe the way he looks. The way his eyes droop down without his usual twilight. The way his lips carve a forced smile. The way he would sometime stare at the empty space with a lost look.

He talks about her all the time. It's three o'clock now, she would be watching this show. Or she would be doing this or that is the exact spot she would sit. He would tell me over and over again of their matchmade marriage or how beautiful my mother was.

He misses her. We all do.

I thought for a while.

There were only the three of us. Sitting on a small bench after clearing after the tahlil.

Then I said, alright, I'll go back at the end of the month. That would be about 40 days after her passing on. Perhaps lover can be patient. Perhaps he understands. I can talk to him.

And the moment I said alright, there was a whiff of smell, lingering for a few seconds. A simple wonderful smell. Nothing like commercial perfume.

Sometimes we believe what we want to believe.

I believe I just had her blessings.

To lover. I thank you for being understanding. I am missing you terribly

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Child Labour

I was late preparing for a small tahlil last night. It was for 10 people, more or less. But there was only 1 workforce i.e. me.

At 5, I still haven't finish all the ingredients for the koay teow.

Panic mode sinks in. The beansprouts are not done! The fishball! The prawn shells! The sawi! The kuchai! And remember I have to bathe the kids. Feed them also. And cook. And I have not blend the chillies. Cut up onions!

And I have no help whatsoever! Or didn't I?

I hired two children.

So sue me!

First I made both of them do the beansprout. Clear up the heads and tails. But my daughter, yes my daughter who just turned five, complained so much. She is tiredlah, she wants to sleeplah, she has a headachelah. Then I said you can do the sawis which is easy just tear it up and break the soft stalks. Then she had to do the beansprout again. Which she complained and grunted. So I gave her the knife job. I asked her to cut the fishballs.

But Haziq wanted that job too. HMmmmfffff! So they had to take turn. And when it was Haziq's turn, he came with this method of cutting up fishbals in parallel. Four or five at a time.

Whateverlah..janji quarter of my work is done.

For further collection of what Sya is like circa the age of five : She wants to marry her brother, Haziq. Tini, her cousin, also wants to marry Haziq which made Sya angry. She gave Tini an alternative, JackJack. Where did she get this idea of marriage anyway?

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Sya is Finally Five

Batrisyia is now 5 years old. Finally! That is a year's waiting. She turned 5, yesterday April the 8th. She has been bugging me about when would she be five ever since she went to her reception school in Qatar. Nearly everyone in her class is five. I will blog about this later.

Five years old. The year all little girls would love to be. Pity she didn't have her school friends to celebrate with.

But she has me! And I have people around me who are willing to celebrate it with her.

I called up my sis in law, who stays in Muar. Called my mother in law who stays in Melaka. Muar and Melaka, they are practically in the same state anyway. And we all went to Umbai. To the new floating restaraunt of Ikan Bakar (grilled fish). Very famous delicacies in Malaysia and particularly famous in this part of town, Umbai and Serkam, Melaka. And we love grilled fish with sambal kicap. Diced onions and those bird chillies in soy sauce. If I have boring fried fish for the day, these sambal will just brighten up everything including my brain. The chillies are zzzzzzzzapping.

Everything is just so right. The kids had great time. The place is nice for families. They have little playgrounds. No kids push my kids. People take turns. They also have these motorised little motobikes and cars for the kids to play with, at a price of course (RM5 for 10 minutes ride urrkkk!. My kids have their older cousins to look after them so I can eat at peace while they have a jolly wonderful time.

This is not the first time both my family and my in laws eat together like this. So something was definitely missing. My mum of course and my LOVER! Huwaaaaaaaa! He is not there for his daughter's birthday.

Sya and her cousin, Tini. I did tie her hair! I did!

But ehem. My lover had this BIG bbq with the rest of the malayas on Friday. Yeah the one that I was discussing with Mr. Drive Fast before. Yeah the one that I was looking forward to do. But people seem a bit lazy to discuss. Yeah that one. And he drove in our new car. Yeah! Yeah! He has a new car. And he drove from the new house that he had moved in. The one that I have no idea how it looks like.

No! No! I am okay. I am not sore.

Happy birthday Sya. Ibu loves you. Ayah misses you alot.

At five she now loves to help in the kitchen. She helped when I did my puddings. She said when she grows up she wants to be a doctor (hey! not my doing okay), she also wants to sew for me. Let's use the blog as a record keeping eh?

More pictures of her day at Sya's Fifth Birthday Day

Read Sya is Four entry

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

This is a not a post about regret

I remembered more than a decade ago, when I went to the UK for my degree. I remembered feeling exhilarated. Can't wait to get out of here. Can't wait to get out of the world of mumness and daddiness fussing over me not allowing me to go nowhere.

I must have been quite a negative person that time. Being sour grape that I didn't go to any boarding school or not allowed to go parties like my friends. Basically I thought I didn't have freedom at all.

So I was eager to go out. Woo hooo away for total freedom.

I remembered I didn't cry a drop at the airport. There was my mum hugging me for the last time crying, and I just patted her back, telling her not to be too sad. I will be back.

I was the talk of town. The girl who didn't cry. Everyone remembered that.

But I never did go home all throughout my study years. I saved up money to travel loads. I was everywhere. To think of it I was never at home during the weekends even in Manchester. I was always out somewhere renting cars, taking the trains, everywhere but home.

I had to go home for a while. My sponsor made me come home for a while before I did my Masters. I stayed for only two months and went back to the UK.

But, but why is it that I cried buckets the moment my lover made this Qatar interview. Everyone (at least in my family) thinks that I would be jumping for joy getting out away to foreign land. But you people know better how sad I was to go.

Yes sure I want to be with my lover but something was bugging me for the whole last year. I think it was because it was last year that I am rebonding with my mum.

It does't help either that I often had dreams of her passing away. I sobbed in my dream so hard that I was actually crying out loud, only to be awaken by lover.

I remembered writing up a post on my mum, on how easy it was for me to cry when I think of her. My mum's photo is in this post

Even when I was in Qatar, I must admit that I was often sad. Infact someone commented that I sounded melancholic. You have no idea.

I told you how much I cried when I departed for Qatar. My mum was actually taken aback and was surprised that I even cried. She told my aunt this. She said "Apasal agaknya si Lollies tu nangis sesangat. This goes to show how emotionless I was. But she also said to my aunt how much she wish she could tell me not to go. She said many things can happen in a year.

Something did happen in two months.

But like I said this is not a post about regret. I do not regret doing whatever I did. This is in fact a post of maturity (perhaps) and the changes within me.

In fact when I heard what my aunt said to me, I smiled. I know she loves me.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

I don't Know What to Write Actually

Today is the seventh day after my mum's demise. And it feels likee yesterday that she bought me prawn crackers from the little change at Botak's sundry's.

First of all I would like to thank all of you. Yes! Who stayed with me reading my vents from the beginning, when I had trouble coming home I am Here, She is there You people gave me so much strength in ways that you cannot imagine.

Blogging is like telling it to someone. And it is such a relief. It is even better when people respond to you. They gave encouragement. Seriously, even when they say, you do not know what to say but still say something in the end, it keeps me "there".

Some share their experience which is enlightening. Hugs to Kaezrin.

It didn't even stop there. Many gave me tips to go through this ordeal. Sms, phone calls from bloggers. Some are hilarious. Comic relief much needed.

It was hard for me and my dad to go through this for a month. It was hard for me to remain strong for the sake of everyone.

But you guys helped me somewhat. And Thank you for that.

As for me? How am I doing now? I am ok. Now people can talk to me about my mum without me being teary eyed. The first few days were bad for me. My dad collected her jewelleries and handed it to me. It's yours now, since I am the only girl. I cried looking at it. Especially the ones whe wears everyday.

I was clearing up the kitchen, throwing some of those which cannot be used. I remembered some of the plates that she cherished. I remembered this particular set of dish she had. I was seven when she bought that one. It's clear dish with thre rows of little hearts embossed at the borders. I remembered her face. I think that was her first dish set in her whole life. She was looking at it, admiring it. Laying them on the floor.

I was looking at them too, imagining my slippery fingers on the cup. When suddenly PRAAANNNGGG, a ball from nowhere hit the dishes and a saucer broke, or was it two.

I remembered her face. The dissapointed face. The set is not enough. Missing one saucer. How uncool.

It was my brother. But I don't remember whether he got it or not. I was too busy thanking God that it was not me probably. But it is very likely that he didn't get it. My dad has this thing, not to be angry when a child break a galss. Just sweep it off quickly. Adalah petua dia. Tak kosalah makcik nak cita kat sini

So all in all. I am okay. When I think of her, I recite AlFathehah as much as I can. For her, for me, for my lover, my dad and my kids.

Sometimes I can fell her face pressing on mine as we hug in the ICU. Sometimes I can fell her fingers gripping mine.

I miss her.