Monday, May 28, 2012

Bouncing Back Up

I finished my final arabic exam today. Alhamdulillah


What a year! Subhanallah I can half way understand the meaning of istiqomah in learning this deen because this year alone I have been fighting between myself not to quit the arabic class. Sometimes I felt really stupid, but upon some jolt by the teacher, then I find something exciting about it. It usually comes in the form of an exciting and doable challenge.

But for the past month, I suppose  my mind has been swirling. I couldn't conetrate much.  Most of free time is spent on scouting for a house on the internet and on the road, calling people, calling agents, visiting houses scouring residential areas but did not find anything to my liking. As much as I have said, it's ok, we will find one, but the prospect looked quite bleak. The price also has hiked up.

In the midst of this, was the looming exam.

And everyone else seems so competent.

I got tense up. In fact in one of the arabic classes after reading out my very weak structured essay, I could not concentrate anymore. I couldn't hear what the teacher was saying and sat there dumbly refusing to cooperate with the teacher.

That must be, sadly to say, my lowest point of eemaan. Yeah I snapped and I am not proud of it.

I went to see the teacher and apologised for my strange behaviour. I told her how I find it difficult and the fight I am having to quit. She babied me and gave me words of encouragement (despite me being rude earlier).

I had a lot of time thinking and thinking and making self retrospection and weight quit and no quit.

I thought perhaps I can finally listen to the arabic lessons online - a one to one lesson. This will be more beneficial to me as it follow my pace.

Maybe a private teacher. Hah! Good idea! At least it will help me build up sentence like school kids not big sentence like what I have now.

Maybe I should take a break and studied properly what i have learned. You know I have been rushing to learn, but had no time to absorb.

But I decided not to quit.

Because this self studying is like lying to self when it comes to me. I know I wont have the discipline doing it alone.

Because If I don't stay on this opportunity, I will never get it.

Because I shouldn't be so stress. I have learnt a lot of words compared to four years ago.

Because did I not find sweetness in reciting or listening to a quran recitation and understand the meaning allatul (immediately)?

Because nothing in the world is achieved without struggle.

Because I have health.

Because Allah has given me means - wealth, understanding husband, brain to use, hands to write, eyes to see, ears to listen I shouldn't be wasting this blessings.

Because I desire learning the quran so much.

Ya Rabb, make it easy for me.

SO I finished my arabic exam today. I don't know whether my short essay is ok or not but it's ok even if it is not the best. If not for the hardship and cries and tense, i wouldn't be able to come up with words to write "the difference in dealing with the youth and little children."

Alhamdulillah ya Rabb. 

1 comment:

butterflutter said...

One thing for are more knowledgeable then most of us. I ni faham satu perkataan dalam satu ayat pun dah happy tau.

Don't give up and jgn stress2

*Ok..ok I understand cakap mmg senang, hugs ;-)