Friday, May 22, 2015

Mental Strength

I am still taking my Quran and arabic classes.

While my Quran lessons have been progressing forward, I am sad to say my arabic class have regressed. I have cut down to one arabic class and I am only learning Quranic Arabic*. And even then, I am making a hangat-hangat tahi ayam effort for it.

So I had exam last week. As expected my arabic results does smell like a warm tahi ayam and it is not the flowery kind mind you.

I do, however, put a considerable effort on my hifdh classe. Signing up to any other classes that I can. Because, I have to tell you now, it is not easy. Allah Mustaan.

I often read some simplistic tips that people give for one to memorise that go something along this line : One ayah a day and you will memorise the Quran in XX number of years. If it's that easy, then perhaps yeah, but truly the effort goes beyond that.

First you need to memorise the new ones. Meanwhile you must make a huge effort to retain the old ones. The more you go, there will be more old ones. You must remember all of them. This include you should not miss any harakat, you should not be confused with the word 'wa' and 'fa' or omitted or added them to your whimsical desire. or confuse 'hum' and 'kum' or is it 'ka' at the end of the word. You must not mixed up all ayat that are similar but are found in different surah.

Meanwhile the teacher will give you longer new ones because your brain is also doing weight lifting.

And all of these require a huge amount of time in your day.

I am not complaining, mind you. I do enjoy it. It's the best distraction that I need. Everyday you learn something new both in the Quran and also about yourself.

And certainly I am finding out something about myself. Mostly it is very humbling because I know now, I taklah pandai mana pun. And secondly many times you'll learn something in this surah and you will find something bigger in another. Then I learn to shut my mouth because I know, that I do not know much (making it difficult to blog).

But now, at this very moment, I need to learn to have mental strength.

You see, when practicing in the class or reciting in front of people, I could usually be fluent and actually feeling the ayah while I am reciting it. This is when you'll find that your tone is just right and words just come out smoothly.

In the exam room though, I became almost blank. I make mistakes major and silly. I got confused. I feel there is a voice (Insya Allah not schizophrenic), so what's the next word, this is difficult. What is it? what? what? I will forget. I will forget . these are chants in my head making a mantra.

This year-end exam was quite a disaster. I forgot the simplest of ayah. I got stuck here and there. My tajweed pusing-pusing macam gasing.

Perhaps I am not asking Allah enough. Or have been neglecting some duties. Or are not sincere enough. Not making repentance enough. Or all these combination above. Ya Rabb I ask for taufiq and hidayah.

And also I need to find mental strength and learn not to allow my nerves get over me. I need to be in control of my mental strength to be in a battle. The battle is in my head.

I ask Allah to open this door for me. This is on top of other effort that i should do. If you have suggestions, I welcome them.

But meanwhile let us hold on to this. Many times repeated in Surah Qamr.

And We have certainly made the Qur'an easy for remembrance, so is there any who will remember?

I am certain, that this journey will reveal me more of my inner layers and I must learn to deal with. Surely there is no success without pain. Ya Rabb send me guidance.

*Quranic arabic concentrates mostly on grammar thus you will learn why is the harakat the way it is and so forth. The downside is you will probably not learn much on how to speak or construct a sentence or even know many vocabularies. It helps the memorising though. 

6 comments:

Aliya said...

May Allah grant you perseverance

Hisham Mustaffa said...

Hang in there. Do your best & make doa to Allah. Insyaallah

Dills said...

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Yati WTL said...

in shaa Allah, you get there one day. i wish to do the same

Lollies said...

Subhanallah. Jazakumullahhu khayr for giving me encouragement.

this week I have just finished class and I must say it has increased my confidence tremendously. I am set to go Insya Allah

ganbatte!!!

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