Monday, March 13, 2006

Semangat

Memang aku perlukan cheerleaders sebenarnya. Sesungguhnya duduk kat hospital ni sangat-sangat menguji kekuatan diri aku.

To start with, tak ada sapa yang boleh tengokkan anak-anak aku, so memang aku angkut dia orang semua pi hospital tiap-tiap hari. Aku sorang aje yang bawak anak kecik tiap-tiap hari. Imagine kids yang sangat aktif sekejap berlari kesana kesini kat corridor ICU tu, sekejap bergaduh sesama sendiri. Tidur semua kat corridor ICU ruang menunggu tu. Ni bukan private hospital. Ini hospital gomen. Air cond pun tak ada and you have to share it with many people yang sama juga masalah dengan kamu. Tunggu orang sakit.

Tapi aku still lebih untung dari most of them. Sebab rumah aku cuma 10 minutes drive aje. So aku mandi kat rumah, basuh baju. Orang lain kena basuh kat toilet share. Mandi pun toilet share. Aku malam balik rumah and tidur kat rumah. So aku masih ok lagi. Kalo mangsa kebakaran ke, banjir ke and apa lagi bencana alam have it worst.

Untuk mengisi masa lapang bebudak tu aku belilah buku serba sikit untuk dia conteng-conteng. Haziq biasalah ssegala majalah bebudak yang ada aku belikan. Seboklah dia buat puzzle lah, games lah. Sampai soalan budak darjah 5 pun dia nak jawab.

Aku juga syukur anak-anak aku tak banyak kerenah. Pandailah dia orang menyesuaikan diri. Ada anak orang lain tu hentak-hentak kaki, nak jajan, nak balik, nak itu..pening aku dengar. Rasa nak penampo aje. So serba sedikit bebudak ini banyak membantu meringankan keadaan aku duduk kat hospital tu. And Haziq memang suka charm semua pompuan. Makcik ke anak dara ke rajin betul melayan cakap dia tu. Aku sendiri tak tahan kekadang.

Tapi yang tak tahan duduk hospital is emotional straining yang aku alami. So far 3 minggu aku kat sini, I have seen two deaths. Maksudnya orang yang sama tunggu tu, yang ditunggu passed away.

Dah tiga mnggu kat sini, kita jadi kawan dengan orang-orang yang menunggu tu. Aku baiklah dengan akak ni yang tunggu laki dia. Laki dia macam my mum gak. In factnya masuk pun lebih kurang sama. Hari tu dah sedar, lately ni coma balik. Doktor nak operate apa entah lagi, dia orang tak mau dah and nak bawak balik. He was on the ventilator, so you know take off ventilator, kita cuma tunggu ajele.

I cried with her. Macam adik beradik dah rasanya.

Dua tiga hari ni jugak ramai bebudak yang masuk ICU. Today ada 4 year old masuk. Girl. Alaa look at her, so small, so fragile, hooked up to all kind of wires. What a sight to behold. Heart wrenching betul. Tengok parrents dia. Distraught faces.

Aku sendiri? Aku memang bersyukur Ibu dah sedar. Tapi being concious mean, I had to see her suffer. I can see her distorted face, bracing the pain. She repeatedly said

Nak balik

Tak nak ubat

Nak mati

Dah lama-lama aku jadi faham apa yang dia mouthkan tu.

Aku tabahkan hati juga tapi lama-lama aku memang tak tahan. Dan aku menangis depan dia. Aku peluk dia like a child that I was before. Tak patut aku nangis depan dia. Patut aku bagi dia semangat. Tapi tell me macamana aku nak bagi dia semangat bila aku pun hilang juga kekadang. Tengok dia suffer, ahhhh, sedih aku.

Makcik-makcik lain yang tunggu laki dia orang tu, stress sampai dia orang sendiri masuk ward. Aku syukur aku ada bebudak tu untuk sibukkan pemikiran aku ni. Walaupun aku jadi baran dengan kerenah dia orang. Tapi bila aku nangis, tiga-tiga datang peluk aku. Jack2 mesti pat aku at the back. Lover tak ada, bebudak pun sudah cukup bagus. Dia orang tak ada, aku mesti bingung agaknya.

Alhamdullilah ada ramai kawan kasi aku support with sms and calls. Yang sms mintak nombor orang pun ada. Aku happy tolong orang. So keep me busy people. YM dengan rerakan pun help, because I do need someone to talk to other than my dad and my kids.

And yes, thank goodness I blog.

Sesungguhnya aku baru faham sekarang betapa sukarnya menunggu your loved ones yang sakit. We need support most of all.

Lend me some.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh dear...wish i can give you a good hug..be strong, ok..trials and tribulations ni Allah kasi pada hambaNya untuk mengukuhkan iman. call me if you need to talk or vent. and let me know if you need anything,k..

nef

Nana said...

lollies,

stay strong.

*hugs*

LazyDaisy said...

sis lollies,
dont ever give up. pls be strong insyaallah for you and your kids.
take good care of yourself.
i doakan untuk u and ibu y all the time :)

bertique said...

stay strong sis. if u need help just gimme a call, i'll be there.

if i could give you some of my strength, i'll.

my prayers are with you and your family.

A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

*big hug lollies*

Trust said...

ALLAH bantu. Big hug from my wife to you.

Leesha said...

Lollies, Even tho I understood only about 20 or 30 of those words, Just stay strong and keep your faith up. Your family remains in my prayers :).

anne said...

Be grateful with the developments so far, maybe that will help. Mmg kekadang i guess you'll be frustrated and that's ok. No matter how bad kita rasa our situation is, some people have it worse. Hang in there, lollies.

atiza said...

*hugs*
alhamdullilah dah ok. you know my number if you need me to lend my ears..

LothLorienDor said...

lollies .. berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu ko .. I can only pray for you .. but I wish u all the best .. insyallah, sat or sun ni kitorang nak pi muar .. bolehla jengok ko & your mum .. tunggu yek !!

famygirl said...

stay strong lolls. i know it's not much but here are some *hugs* from me to you.

i pray all goes well for you and family.

elisataufik said...

banyakkan berdoa.. semoga tenang..
Insya-Allah..

zan said...

hugs lollies....

i think mmg sedih to be in hospital. i remember someone said to me, if you pray at a mall, your prayer will always be quick but when you pray at hospital, you know there are sadness and death.

hang on dear friend... *hugs*

macho hensem n bersuara merdu said...

prayers, hope and hugs & kisses... powerful stuff those.

a word of advise, be well lollies. u need to take care of urself also... for the kids, lover, dad, mom .... and the rest..

salams

Nazrah said...

lollies sayang,

huddish@gmail.com tu dia bounce balik lah.

mine is nazrahayu at gmail dot com.

sama2 kita doa supaya sentiasa kuat semangat dan bertambah sabar.

lollies said...

oh friends you don't know how your words make me feel so much better. after writing this down, i think i am more focus and hopefully more tenang and lebih bersemangat.

ambik nafas hembus nafas.

take time.

bebudak! jangan nakal.

and elisa - yes that's what i need. bertenang.

gart - wei ko nak datang muar eh? call tau.

welcome mamat macho dan suara macam mawi.

macho hensem n bersuara merdu said...

oh no...not mawi!!!

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