Friday, January 27, 2006

Wave of Sadness

My lover and I were having our normal chats in the kitchen when suddenly Zachary came rushing in, laughing, running away from his brother. Naturally he ran to me for "protection". The next natural thing to do is kiss him and tickle him lightly and pretend to chase him back. This is so that I could have my little quiet time with lover.

Hilarious these children.

Grinning, the both of us, "my lover asked, "Have you wondered what our children would be like when they are older. Would they still be good to each other and can laugh at each other, the way they are now? Do you think Haziq would be as lovable to his siblings as what he is now?"

"I don't, really," I replied. "But I hope so. I hope and pray that they would be close together and remain not just siblings but good friends."

"When we didn't have a child, I wondered if we could. When you got pregnant.."

"And a huge whale I was!"

"Well..you are fine now..when you were pregnant, I wondered how the child would look like. And now we know. Then I wondered what kind of toddler they would be. And now we see that Haziq is a friendly moving chatterbox, Batrisyia the sweet but quite fierce actually and we are yet to know what JackJack would be."

"Hmm..yeah. These are all phases of getting older for us you know?"

"I know. Those are happy phases. Waves of sad phases are yet to come and I am worried of it."

"Sad?"

"Our parents."

I know where this was coming from. My lover's uncle passed away on our third week here in Qatar. Pak Andak was younger than my father in law, whereas my father in law has his own history of heart problem. And my mother in law is not feeling well off late as well.

"Death is inevitable. You coming over here are destined as well. We must give them the best that we could as a child while we still can."

Then silence engulfed us, except for the shouting among the kids watching TV in the room nearby. We were all thinking about the same thing.

Oh lover, you do know that is one of the reasons that I was reluctant to come over. I cried when you were offered, for they were the only one thing in my mind. They are not getting younger and my mother already had a few toes removed due to diabetics. Do I not worry, if they were to leave the world without me nearby?

I had a drift with my mother after my first child was born. And despite they were often in KL with me, I still felt uncomfortable because deep down I was still angry. I was fighting with my stubbornness and responsibility as a child. But I let the drift dragged for years. Not that we do not talk to each other. We did, it's just that there was something missing. And the longer it went, the more difficult it became to even change.

A stranger woke me up one day and said something that made me change. I had made peace with my mum and myself actually sometime last year and I must say I had never been happier. Not that my mum know about it because I didn't say anything. The changes are within me. The way I feel about my relationship with my mother. I am a mother though, and I think she knows. I think she can see.

I was slowly making progress reconnecting myself with her, asking for recipes and chatting, just chatting. Mother and daughter. But it didn't get full swing just yet and we had to move here.

I cried so much and I am still crying now.

There are only the two of us, my brother. My brother who lives in another world. My parents relive their joy of twilight years most of the time with me. My children are their little source of happiness. I felt that I have robbed them from that. That I took the privilege away from them. Deep down I am worried that they wouldn't even get the chance to enjoy my children anymore.

I think about this a lot, ever since I got here.

In the end, I cried.

Did I also tell you, my brother, my only sibling, was admitted to the hospital yesterday for high blood pressure and stroke?

13 comments:

atiz said...

*hugs*
separation does wonders to relationship..
there's nothing you could do if the TIME comes...

take care

1 said...

i can see the hardship ure facing, dealing wif emotions and pepel around u. i hope everything wud end up just fine for u mummy.

Captain Barbell said...

how is he?

Sunflora said...

How old is your bro? Stay strong dear. Its true thast its hard being away far from your own family. The last conversation I had with my mum was over the phone before she got in a coma and passed on. But its all about fate and rezeki as well, being near or far away from your family. Take care.

Lollies said...

atiz - aku nak hug.

wan - u oso. take care.

saudagar kaya- he is 31. younger than me

sf - nak cry.

JoKontan said...

Loll:

Do wotever you can do now. Call her/him..now.

:-)

MA said...

I had the wake up call when my son (Abang) had the emergency surgery at 6 months. I realised that nothing is permanent in this world. Even our kids, our parents are not "ours" to begin with.

The time is now when we shall savour all the time we have with them. Enjoy your kids while you still have them to hold.

Hope your brother is get better soon.

*hugs*

MA said...

* grammatical error :

Hope your brother will be getting better soon.

:-)

Trust said...

31????

Arrrgghhhh!!!!

Saya 35. Takutttt. BP dah tinggi ni!!!! Exercise kurang!!!!

Lollies said...

thank you everyone. thank you.

trust - are you on medication? wei i thot dulu u nak pi jogging with some hot girl or something? tak jadi eh? :-P

Trust said...

Saya kalau boleh tak mahu ambil medication. Will try jogging. In my new place of work, the CEO makes it mandatory for managers to go to the gym twice a month.

Lollies said...

hansac - i so understand why you do not want to take medication. Are you worried something won't function well? But do make regular check ups. Nanti semua tak funtion well nanti. :-P Baguslah you punya new place tu. They are paying for the gym fees of course?

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