Sunday, December 09, 2007

Sometimes

"Laa belajar tinggi-tinggi, lepas tu berhenti kerja. Sayangnya."

A makcik exclaimed this to me the other day.

"Kalau I tak kerja I rasa bodoh."

Someone else said on a different occasion.

It's ok. You don't need to pat me or tell me that she is wrong because I don't mind.

In fact i thought of that many times too.

I am feeling useless now. Sure sure i do things with the kids. They "love" it that I am always around and that their teachers and I are on top of things all the time. I cook tremendous and I am a goddess.

But I fell useless to myself. Being a thoroughbred left brainer, I have always felt that going to school and work is the ultimate way of life. So not working and not having something that feels ME does bring me down many times. Something ME which generates money for ME.

Why not work there, you may ask. I have thought of it many times. Looking at the same industry that I was working back in Malaysia here, I fell intimidated and worried. I know how most of certain kaum (tak semestinya arab) work here and I don't really feel I am up to it. Then issues about small house where to put helper, need to get drivers for the kids and finally not able to go back for a long summer in Malaysia. Excuses eh? Many women (Malaysian) work here too. OK je. Ko tu aje banyak sangat cari alasan.

For that i envy those who dared to quit and yet have something to generate for them. The ME factor. Sure money is not everything, but ME factor is quite a boost. Lack of talent and not apt enough to see opportunity, leaves me like this.

Not to worry. I am just expressing how I have been feeling. But I'm ok. A bit down but good. A mixed emotion just like my rojak here. A blob of my peanut sauce would make it extremely good.

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14 comments:

elie said...

oh lollies honey, I personally think you are a lucky person. You and other goddesses. I too, used to be a goddess. But I have to work as there's not enough money to eat. And I mean that literally.
At the time, it was hard as my husband didnt make much. I always love to stay at home even though I have a degree. I love watching my children grow up in front of my eyes. I love cooking, and even sew my children's clothes.
Now we are more stable and my dearest husband is doing well, I always thought that I should stop working in a year or two.
Don't worry about what other people says about you. I used to put deaf ears to those people even my own father says things like that...

I think being a goddess is the best.

elie

Earthmom said...

Salams lollies,
As Aussies say over here "No worries". I was surprised to learn a lot of women here stopped working after having a baby and they have no regrets and actually enjoy staying at home looking after kids and do leisurely things (shopping, picnic etc) Malls are always full of people even on weekdays. Even though in M'sia , the mentality is that women with degree should work (I have one too), it is ultimately ourselves who should decide what is the best for our family. I think our M'sian society forget that it is us mums (and dads) who should be hands on regarding our kids education and ultimately in helping our kids succeed in life. Working is a means to an end not the other way round.

ummi said...

Lollies, you are doing a great job there. Money can only be seen now but pahala, only you will know.

My hubs is giving me until june 08 to work, by then he wants me to quit. To concentrate on the children. I have mixed feeling though like I said in one of my entries.

My parents believe that women who belajar tinggi2 must work. That's the biggest hurdle that i need to go thru before i quit. Camna ya?

~ GAB ~ said...

It'z been a while. And it's always nice to be here.

Have a good life!

Aina said...

I really can understand how you feel. I faced the same problem too. People dont understnd our life at Doha. Believe me, after 3 years you'll get used of it.

~ahni~ said...

Bukan tak kerja untuk selama-lamanya pun... sementara aje kan... after all, kalau your abang mampu, apa salahnya tak kerja...

Kalau ada peluangpun saya nak...

Saya tengok orang malaysia (atau orang kat negara lain pun), kalau tak kerja je dipandang lain macam. Kalau ada degree tak kerja mesti kena umpat... hello? untuk apa kita kerja? untuk dapat duit untuk belanja kita & anak2 kan? kalau dah ada tak payah kerja kan? eh awat aku emo ni? sori lollies

Aidan's Mama & Papa said...

my dear, i felt the same way, exactly how you're feeling when i first sat foot in holland. felt 'guilty' for not earning money, my own money. and i'm so not used to use other people's (in other words hardy's money) to buy stuff, my stuff. i ended up not buying anything for myself. hardy practically had to force me.

and as soon as i had aidan, i felt slightly better coz i have now added "mother" alongside being a wife to my job description. 3 months later, it hit me again. went through depression, weather didnt help, and i was struggling to find myself. house wasnt ready etc, and i refuse to spend money on crafts, things i like. i then turned to cooking. it saved me in a way. that way i spend the money on hardy and myself, and not me alone.

and that's when it all started. no more gossips, pay no attention to people who talk bad behind my back, and just continue doing what i love doing now, be a housewife, a mother and doing the things i love doing. have a little bit money selling this and that and then i start buying my own crafty bits. then the sharing begins. blogged on what i do at home. made beautiful friends all around the world, including this girl, lollies!

rojak is fine, rojak is good, rojak is colourful, rojak is delicious, be the best rojak you can be lollies!!

hugs,
Zaza

Theta said...

I can empathise with what you're going through. I'm beset by such fears of being bored at home or things being said behind my back.

But then, I have only myself to answer to.

And unlike the left brainer you, working in general has never been my forte. :) I'd rather travel. Hehe.

That rojak looks great, by the way.

ummi said...

Need to ask you about khasab..my ym is anilsahibad@yahoo.com

cikdinz said...

itu pendapatan memasing kan.
nak kerja pun bleh, tak kerja pun bleh....

tapi proses belajar ni sampai kita mati. tak pernah berhenti....

duit bukan lah segala-gala nya. tapi kalu takde duit, tak bleh nak gi kencing kat public toilet (dah tak free lar)....

Hansac said...

This issue is most dear to my heart (wanita berpelajaran tinggi tapi tak bekerja sebaliknya duduk rumah menjaga anak dan suami).

To me berbaloi amat kalau seorang perempuan yang amat cerdas, tetapi tak bekerja sebaliknya duduk dirumah mendidik anak SEHINGGA anak tersebut dapat membesar menjadi manusia yang menghormati orang lain. Contohnya, it is worth the sacrifice if a woman stays home to bring up her son if her son grows into a man who will take care other women, respects other women and treat women right.

Kalaulah seorang ibu tu tak berjaya mendidik anak dia menjadi seorang lelaki yang menghormati perempuan, rugilah pengorbanan dia.

Swahili said...

Hi Lollies
A year later & im still at it..jabbing my poor jobless state.One could never get over it, more than a decade working in a golden job - siapa boleh kan. Infact funny, I just had an entry up on reminiscing my Christmas..

Should I even begin on the joy of motherhood (nope you have 3 & me 1), the priceless gift like Haziq lighting up the room as in Harris language discovery for me or having to cook rojak w/o wondering if you have time to get that last ingredients after work?

I often joke to my husband,we shold add my degree on the wall alongst with our other pics.Reduced to being a piece of paper...sad but its ok. This is my next phase in life, though I wont exactly call it my calling :-)

Just My 2cents worth said...

Hi Lollies,
Just like you, I have a degree and I'm a stay-at-home mom. Someone once commented "ruginya". So I'm wondering - which part yang rugi agaknya. Me studying sampai dapat degree or me taking care of my kids? It's sad that society actually thinks it's a loss to have a mother equipped with knowledge, experience and an open mind to take care of her own kids. So siapa yang rugi sekarang?

So, Lollies, you do your own thing and you do it well and biarlah apa orang nak cakap.

verignac said...

ehhehe I got the same remark from some of my friends when I decided to quit my job and concentrate on my family. Eventhough hubby kata keja pun ok but so far I really enjoyed myself now coz I have some great time to spend with the kids...rasa rugi coz last time I was too busy working and then sampai dah tak ingat masa bila anak I membesar...busy sesgt..tup tap tup tap anak I dah 7 years old cepat tui masa berjalan...

So jgn sedih2 ok bak kata my other friend, the knowlegde and experience we gained while working last time we could use them to teach our kids.