Sunday, April 02, 2006

I don't Know What to Write Actually

Today is the seventh day after my mum's demise. And it feels likee yesterday that she bought me prawn crackers from the little change at Botak's sundry's.

First of all I would like to thank all of you. Yes! Who stayed with me reading my vents from the beginning, when I had trouble coming home I am Here, She is there You people gave me so much strength in ways that you cannot imagine.

Blogging is like telling it to someone. And it is such a relief. It is even better when people respond to you. They gave encouragement. Seriously, even when they say, you do not know what to say but still say something in the end, it keeps me "there".

Some share their experience which is enlightening. Hugs to Kaezrin.

It didn't even stop there. Many gave me tips to go through this ordeal. Sms, phone calls from bloggers. Some are hilarious. Comic relief much needed.

It was hard for me and my dad to go through this for a month. It was hard for me to remain strong for the sake of everyone.

But you guys helped me somewhat. And Thank you for that.

As for me? How am I doing now? I am ok. Now people can talk to me about my mum without me being teary eyed. The first few days were bad for me. My dad collected her jewelleries and handed it to me. It's yours now, since I am the only girl. I cried looking at it. Especially the ones whe wears everyday.

I was clearing up the kitchen, throwing some of those which cannot be used. I remembered some of the plates that she cherished. I remembered this particular set of dish she had. I was seven when she bought that one. It's clear dish with thre rows of little hearts embossed at the borders. I remembered her face. I think that was her first dish set in her whole life. She was looking at it, admiring it. Laying them on the floor.

I was looking at them too, imagining my slippery fingers on the cup. When suddenly PRAAANNNGGG, a ball from nowhere hit the dishes and a saucer broke, or was it two.

I remembered her face. The dissapointed face. The set is not enough. Missing one saucer. How uncool.

It was my brother. But I don't remember whether he got it or not. I was too busy thanking God that it was not me probably. But it is very likely that he didn't get it. My dad has this thing, not to be angry when a child break a galss. Just sweep it off quickly. Adalah petua dia. Tak kosalah makcik nak cita kat sini

So all in all. I am okay. When I think of her, I recite AlFathehah as much as I can. For her, for me, for my lover, my dad and my kids.

Sometimes I can fell her face pressing on mine as we hug in the ICU. Sometimes I can fell her fingers gripping mine.

I miss her.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

lollies, lollies dearie...call me if you feel like talking..any time, ok?

nef

JoKontan said...

You are doing OK.
The memories won't fade away... It'll getting stronger by the day.
:-)

arisa said...

she always be with you, actually..deep inside your heart..

anne said...

I think you've been very strong lollies. Just give it some time...

meandbaby said...

Takziah to you and family from me...I agree with anne..the way you stand by your dad during her ICU days...you proved to be very strong....Alfatihah

maklang said...

Take care... May Allah bless your late Mom with all HIS rahmat, InsyaAllah..

(( hugs ))

maklang said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
atn said...

we are all heading towards the same destiny

Lollies said...

nef - thanks a lot. i remembered first meeting you and drive you to bangsar. amazing what blogging can do

tj - yeah i am ok and will be. it's for the best

arisa - a lot of prayers for her as well .

anne - in a way i am. sedih aje. nak shouldre boleh?

me and baby - itu aje yang i boleh buat

mak lang - Insya Allah

atn - indeed we are. hoe to see her there. kena kerja keras sikit ni

Nazrah said...

lollies sayang, nef is really something else tau. we've been blessed.

about being strong,sabar2 ...ujung bulan ni, mr lovah lovah ada...it's ok to give urself time to grieve, we can't be strong all the time. am sure the kids give u a lot of comfort n hope in the meantime.

Kidd said...

Nice to know you're okay. Stay that way ;)

AuntyN said...

Take care, you'll be fine. She will be too InsyaAllah with your doas

ston said...

take care of urself....be stronger...

Lollies said...

nazrah - yeah.. I am taking my time. I must have given the wrong impression in the blog actually. I am not as strong. Tapi lagak macho ajele.

kidd - okie dokie

aunty n - I will

ston - aik sonyap aje. mana pegi?

ston said...

macam biasa laa....last week training seminggu kek singapura..tak sempat lak membaca hal2 kat dunia...

MA said...

Lollies :

I lost my Mum 13 years ago and like you, I saw her slipping away -and remembered the feelings of helplessness.

That reinforced my faith of why we are here, who we are and what life is all about.

It has been 13 long years, I know she is in a good place - but I do miss her from time to time.

You take care, okay - be strong especially for your Dad.

Count Byron said...

Lollies.. how lucky u are. Moms love their girls.. and more so when she is the only girl.
Your recollection of her set collection shows the deep love she had for u.

Lollies said...

mak andeh - awww thank you for the kind words. I have read your post about your mum. I understand even more now

count byron - and i love her too

Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY!
» » »

Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! » »

Anonymous said...

best regards, nice info » » »