Wednesday, April 05, 2006

This is a not a post about regret

I remembered more than a decade ago, when I went to the UK for my degree. I remembered feeling exhilarated. Can't wait to get out of here. Can't wait to get out of the world of mumness and daddiness fussing over me not allowing me to go nowhere.

I must have been quite a negative person that time. Being sour grape that I didn't go to any boarding school or not allowed to go parties like my friends. Basically I thought I didn't have freedom at all.

So I was eager to go out. Woo hooo away for total freedom.

I remembered I didn't cry a drop at the airport. There was my mum hugging me for the last time crying, and I just patted her back, telling her not to be too sad. I will be back.

I was the talk of town. The girl who didn't cry. Everyone remembered that.

But I never did go home all throughout my study years. I saved up money to travel loads. I was everywhere. To think of it I was never at home during the weekends even in Manchester. I was always out somewhere renting cars, taking the trains, everywhere but home.

I had to go home for a while. My sponsor made me come home for a while before I did my Masters. I stayed for only two months and went back to the UK.

But, but why is it that I cried buckets the moment my lover made this Qatar interview. Everyone (at least in my family) thinks that I would be jumping for joy getting out away to foreign land. But you people know better how sad I was to go.

Yes sure I want to be with my lover but something was bugging me for the whole last year. I think it was because it was last year that I am rebonding with my mum.

It does't help either that I often had dreams of her passing away. I sobbed in my dream so hard that I was actually crying out loud, only to be awaken by lover.

I remembered writing up a post on my mum, on how easy it was for me to cry when I think of her. My mum's photo is in this post

Even when I was in Qatar, I must admit that I was often sad. Infact someone commented that I sounded melancholic. You have no idea.

I told you how much I cried when I departed for Qatar. My mum was actually taken aback and was surprised that I even cried. She told my aunt this. She said "Apasal agaknya si Lollies tu nangis sesangat. This goes to show how emotionless I was. But she also said to my aunt how much she wish she could tell me not to go. She said many things can happen in a year.

Something did happen in two months.

But like I said this is not a post about regret. I do not regret doing whatever I did. This is in fact a post of maturity (perhaps) and the changes within me.

In fact when I heard what my aunt said to me, I smiled. I know she loves me.


Nekbat said...

I misundertood my mom a lot growing up, and now I thank god every day for making me see who she truly is. I think sometimes we just need to experience the bad to appreciate the good. I am just rambling, but bottom line is, your mom knew that she's loved. What more can a mother ask.

Captain Barbell said...

actually u sound like lollies

Lollies said...

nekbat - I was just a selfish brat. entah apa2lah. so trivial but I am glad I was given the chance to make over. Bersyukur sesangat. Enjoy your mum okeh darling.

riza - I am lollies. err what does that mean actually eh?

Nazrah said...

what can i say lolliepaloozaku sayang...

there is a lesson to be learnt, in every story told..

i am praying for that glimmer of hope, that someday i would be able to make amends.

born-again drama queen said...

ibu,walau macamana pun topsy turvy hubungan kita dengan dia, dia tetap ibu kita, dunia-akhirat. not to be taken for granted..and you've been a wonderful daughter.

Queen Of The House said...

Lollies, I am happy to read that you are feeling better about losing your mom. Stay strong.

(been here a few times, never commented before)

Your words struck a note with me .. I was the 'never cry', rebellious brat (yes, I was like you, going abroard I didn't shed a tear) .... I think back in my younger days I gave my mom so much grief. But moms are moms, they love us no matter how bratty we are.

Lollies said...

nazrah - I personally think you have. I do you know. I salute you. Huuugggssssssss

nef - betul tu. memang topsy turvy. tengoklah anak perempuan I tu.

QOTH - I guess it's like that when we are younger

~ni~ said...

hi, lollies, apa khabag?

Kidd said...

Think I'm slowly following your footsteps.

I too, don't like to stay put at home.

Want to live somewhere else.

Want to taste a solitary life.

lollies said...

ni - aku sehat. ko?

kidd - do it. do it. learn new things. being away will make you appreciate home more

~ni~ said...

lollies, aku sihat. aku tengah boring giler-giler ni tapi aku belum gila lagi lah

Count Byron said...

I am no mommy but I know how it feels like to love my kids.. and love them dearly. Lollies.. you had been dearly loved. You certainly had been.
A beautiful entry this is.

maklang said...

Mungkin masa belajar dulu belom jadi mak. Now bila dah ada anak sendiri baru kita tahu betapa kuatnya kasih kita pada mak and vice versa.

Kat mana now? Dah balik Qatar ke??

Take care...

Lollies said...

CB - thanks for the kind words. I believe that too.

mak lang - tak balik lagi. kat mesia lagi. hujung bulan baru balik

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Best regards from NY! » »