Thursday, April 13, 2006

Today should be the day..

Today should have been the day I leave for Qatar. I wanted to go back to Qatar, I said to myself, two weeks after my mother passed away. I thought two weeks would give ample comforting time for my dad and both of us, as father and daughter.

I knew my dad sounded sad (I pretended not to notice) when I told him I planned to leave two weeks after. But he was also rational. It has been more than a month since my lover left for Qatar. The kids have missed their school for so long. (dahlah baru aje masuk)

It was the second night after my mother passed away, after the tahlil, my aunties talked to me. Asking me when am I leaving. I told them in two weeks time. Then they coax me to stay longer. That my dad would be all alone. It's too recent. He needs someone especially now.

I told them, I pity my lover.

They said just a bit longer. For my dad. Look at him, he looks so sad.

He did look sad. In fact, sad doesn't describe the way he looks. The way his eyes droop down without his usual twilight. The way his lips carve a forced smile. The way he would sometime stare at the empty space with a lost look.

He talks about her all the time. It's three o'clock now, she would be watching this show. Or she would be doing this or that is the exact spot she would sit. He would tell me over and over again of their matchmade marriage or how beautiful my mother was.

He misses her. We all do.

I thought for a while.

There were only the three of us. Sitting on a small bench after clearing after the tahlil.

Then I said, alright, I'll go back at the end of the month. That would be about 40 days after her passing on. Perhaps lover can be patient. Perhaps he understands. I can talk to him.

And the moment I said alright, there was a whiff of smell, lingering for a few seconds. A simple wonderful smell. Nothing like commercial perfume.

Sometimes we believe what we want to believe.

I believe I just had her blessings.

To lover. I thank you for being understanding. I am missing you terribly


Idham said...

May God Bless You...

My regret, till today, was not being there when my mother passed away. AND when I was 10, also not being there when my father died.

Today, I pray more for them then for myself.

During this period, pls do not read my blow...bcoz u may get wrong idea of who i am...

InsyAAllah...semoga puan mendapat ketenangan dan kejayaan dunia akhirat.

Idham. Ps: Pls do not read my blog...not at this time.

kunci said...

a whiff of smell. Kak Lollies I think I had that experience too. We just came back from the hospital, my sickly grandfather a religious teacher had been there for 2 weeks, supported by machine. The door was closed, I was doodling on my sketch book when I smelled minyak atar, just a moment. I looked up but nobody else reacted. Two minutes later my uncle called saying atuk had just passed away.
We believe what we want to believe.
Al-fatihah again for your late mother & my arwah atuk.

anne said...

lollies, i felt hard inside to leave my parents with the "blur" maid, it must be harder for you. Maybe when you really have to go back, plan for a short visit for your Dad to Doha (if financials permit). Then he has something to look forward to.

only time can heal him (and you)

lollies said...

idham - err you make me itch so much to read. I don't judge people just by reading their blog. Well at least I try not to. Anyway no regrets I think, circumstances makes it hard sometimes.

kunci - Itulah dia, we believe what we want to believe. I think you are lucky

anne - itu memang sedang di arrange. He doesn't want to leave too soon though, but he said kalau dia boring dia akan pergi jugak. Hopefully by June

Tj said...

"Whiff of smell.." we had that experience tooo..

Time will heal, and the Memories will stay.

All the best for you and families.

maklang said...

Pahala buat anak yang menyukakan hati ibubapanya... InsyaAllah...

lollies said...

tj - ya begitulah

maklang - i am doing what i can

Trust said...

"The way his eyes droop down without his usual twilight. The way his lips carve a forced smile. The way he would sometime stare at the empty space with a lost look."


Lollies said...

hansac - awak jangan nangis sebab nanti saya nangis jugak. wei bila nak updatelah?

~ahni~ said...

lollies, berdasarkan pengalaman my mother in-law.... well father in-law passed away in 2004 and macam tu lah dia sampai sekarang..

kadang2 bukanlah kita tak rasa prihatin atau peka dengan perasaan dan keadaan MIL tapi life really has to on. Tentulah mustahil dia nak lupa kan suami dia yang dah dikawini lebih 50 tahun tapi kalau hari2 dok cerita, lepas tu nangis, lepas tu cerita dan nangis, high blood pressure pun semakin naik setiap hari dan saya tengok anak-anak dia (ipar-ipar sayalah tu) dah tak tahu nak buat macam mana lagi..

sebagai menantu saya cuma mampu doakan semoga jiwa dia tenang dan bolehlah tumpukan pada ibadat dan saya juga doakan di masa akan datang, ibu saya, saya dan anak2 saya akan lebih tenang dan tabah dalam menghadapi situasi yang sama

err sorry for the very longgg comment

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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