Saturday, August 05, 2006

Word Sunday : Pristine

I have just finished reading "the five people you meet in heaven - Mitch Albom". I know I know its' an old story already. And nearly everyone has read it. Dah ada movie pulak tu.

It is more than natural that I thought of my mum all the way reading the book. Unlike many other good daughters in the world, I only learnt that my mum has dreams and likes after her death. I also got to know she has fears and hopes. That she was not just a mother. She was a person.

Sometime before her death, as narrated by my Mak Tam, she often dreamt of her mum, my late nenek. My nenek gestured my mum to come and follow her. Go to her world that she is in now. My mum woke up probably scared. She'd probably cried. I don't know. But she told my Mak Tam, she didn't want to go. Not yet. There are things she has not done yet. Unfinished business. (Actually when it comes to death, I don't think any thing is ever finished. There are always reason that we would ask given a choice to delay it unless under torture)

I find it chilling when I hear this story. Partly because of my late nenek kept coming in her dreams like a bad premonition. But also, I do wonder whether I am one of the unfinished business. I settled my hard feeling sometime last year which I have said often enough, I count my lucky stars for it.

You know I never did call her. When I want to tell my parents something, I called my dad instead. Or I ask Haziq to make the call for me. I regret that. Ever so often the wound throbs back in my heart and squeeze it tight as I sobbed to myself. However, I will always remember the last call I actually made to her. On purpose. I was already here in Qatar. My kids were still sleeping. I had her all for myself. No passing on the phone when we run out of subject.

I talked to her about the things that I wanted her to post over. All sterile subjects. Finally I made myself ask how she was. Not just because it is a standard thing to ask someone. But really how are you Ibu. She said sakit sikit-sikit je. Then I told her about my plans for my parents to come visit me for the next raya. That we bought an 8-seater car so we could bring them everywhere comfortably. That Mecca is near. That she should stay longer here. It was probably not as mother-daughter conversation that one should have, but I thought it was already beautiful as it was. I didn't ask whether she missed me and the kids though. Because it is just not the way we do things.

However, I have lifted the heavy veil , finally. It should be easier after that.

Only there were no other calls after. She was always in the bed each time I call or YM.

I have always wondered where did my pristine glass of youth go to? How did it got lost? Smeared by finger prints of adulthood? Cracked and jagged.

Well what are you waiting for? Go go call your mum. Make your day for your old life.


Sunfloraa said...

One of these days you have to let her go and forgive yourself. Or have you?

Anonymous said...

thank you for this post. thats all i can say :)

Lollies said...

SF - first of all I have learnt to forgive her. This was most important to me as I was always blaming her for the distance. Then from then on I picked up with her albeit it was a short period. But I think it was fulfilled and meaningful. God loves us probably. Oh I have let her go. This is just thinking out loud aje. No worries.

Anis - hah dah call dah mak ko? Eh but you are staying with her kan? Hah dah kemas dapur tu? Anak dara i dok depan komputer aje tau. Cuba buat kerja rumah sikit. :p

born-again drama queen said...

i turned down a marriage proposal from a man that i'm hopelessly in love with at the moment..for my mom's sake..for the family's sake. and now i'm all topsy turvy inside..

Jill Yusoff said...

I am down with flu. And I want my mommy!!! Funny how you always think of your mom when you are sick, at least I do. Pristine - nice!

Idham said...

i dreamt of my late mom in flight coming was a happy dream of the time during my childhood....i promised visit her grave during this vacation...

Thank You for your entry....*hugss*


Lollies said...

hawkeye - open your heart dear. Talk it out. For all you know, things will be for you. Just needs piecing here and there

Jill - Look at this pristine blog. White and squeaky clean only to be tainted with my scribblings. Muahahahahah. Babe I envy you with your mum. Nak share boleh?

Idham - I am glad for the happy dream. Prayers for her often.

anggerik merah said...

I love this entry!

I had never been so close to my mom until I came here. I was a shoulder for her to cry on from a distance. The distance has brought our relationship closer. Then I realised how much she love me. And now she is my strength.

Lets HUG each other...and muahhh..

Darling, hw are you getting on with the comittee? My friend in the committee also ke?

Anonymous said...

We are all made different. Every experience that we went through good or bad, is for a reason somehow. Just find the silver lining, and you will get it.

I consider myself lucky for I had a good relationship with my late mum and managed to pamper her. Oh I still miss her.

Jill Yusoff said...

sila-sila. marilah berkongsi. tell u what. nanti ko balik, i'll ask my mom to come over and ask her nicely to cook laksam for us!!!

maklang said...

InsyaAllah your mum is well and good under Allah's care, InsyaAllah...

Alhamdulillah Wan is always with me. Syukor...and I call her almost everyday.

anne said...

lolls, takmo cedih2 lagi k...anyways, siapakah artis berbakat who did that drawing?....:-)

UglyButAdorable said...

lolls.. the relationship you had with your mom, is how me with dad. but my dad is still around for me to do the right thing undone what's done. i've accepted the fact that there can be no other father better than him for if not Allah would have given me another Bin instead.

thank you..

Lollies said...

AM - good for you. Mothers do love us. Kita yang berubah. :( hug jugak balik

S - I thank the person who showed me the way to my mum. From then on I picked up with her. I thank God that I was given the chance to rectify albeit a very short one. I am glad and happy now, that she knows I love her before she passed on.

Jill - LAKSAAAAMMMMMMMM. nak nak. suka gila aku.

mak lang - good for you. Lucky her for a good dotter.

anne - shaya tak cedih lagi. shaya cita aje. anak pompuan shayalah yang dhraw tu

uglybut - itulah tujuan post ini. Call aje. susahlah mula2. He wud sound cold. father apa tah lagi. swallow aje pride and anger kalau ada. hugs you

Nazrah Leopolis said...

i'd call my mom at the drop of a hat. but call my dad?

jap pikir dan plan apa nak cakap. and i must be up to date with the latest news on aljazeera and cnn. pressure pressure.

i hope they know i love them.

Anonymous said...

ive seen that 5 people u meet in heaven movie thru hallmark but havent read the book. pening gak n very colorful. huhu.

about the dream, i can remember my late father having the same dream few days before he passed away, he dreamt about meeting her late mother and told everybody how excited he was and then suddenly.. gone.

great post this one mummy.

Leen AshBurn said...

I am lucky, both my mom and dad are staying in KL with me now. But having said that, I don't think I've ever said I love you to them both - it's not done you know? But like Nazrah, I hope they know I love them both.

Sob, Lollies, rasa nak balik rumah now and peluk mak aku je. Sniff.

ps: Anak dara anda pandai melukis.

dlt said...

Sob!sob! Good entry lollies.

I called my parents almost everyday, eventho there's nothing new to cerita, just tanya dok wat ape, sihat ke, then ok, bye. At least they know I care for them. Tapi kalu ada good news nak share, tapi tak tercerita, I will call them soooooooo many times in 1 day, then my mama will eventually ask," Ni tipon banyak kali, ada apa2 nak cite ker?" Mum will always be mum. Instinct diorang ni kuat,kan?

Moga2 anak2 kite nanti won't put a barrier in between us, parents.

bisutulibuta said...

hey..i've read that book myself..made me look back and tafakur.

Lollies said...

nazrah - I think they know. Cuma you know old schools mana boleh tunjuk tunjuk sangat tak rocklah. or tak agogo ;ah according to them

wan - u read tuesday about morrie kan? i think u will like it. It makes u reflect about your own life

leen -go go and pewuk them. Sya tu suka buat 5 minutes drawing. hat is suppose to be me carrying jack2 and them running around. macm meriah2 gitu. nasib baik dia tak lukis aku tgh ,arah

dlt - saya tumpang gumbira untuk anda. call selalu ya

btb - oh i love the ending. he finally found out that he didn't lose himself pun. imagine all the silver lining yang kita sendiri pun tak tau.


wonderful post :)


Lollies said...

leez - asal ni sayang? saya all ears ok.