Wednesday, March 28, 2007

A Year Now

It has been a year you know, since my mum passing. It seemed like it was only recently that I went through one month ordeal in and out of the ICU and aother one month staying with my dad after.


I missed her so much. I looked at the children, and I remembered how much she spent time with them. My parents are the ones who would nick my kids to the playground. (Yes rotidua, I am one of those who dera my parents to take the kids to the playground while lover and I bercanda. heh heh).


I blogged nearly everything during the one month, except for the last week before her passing. I couldn't cope with the emotion then. It was hard to visit her knowing that her time was near. I remembered a week before she died, the chief doctor came to talk to us, and said what was probably the obvious. She had been on the machine for a month. Her lungs shrinking, her blood pressure getting lower. In fact the level was at it was due to the medicine, her liver totally failed. They could not do dialysis on her because of the low blood pressre. They told us to expect the worst.

I can still remeber, how I tried my hardest to compose myself for the sake of my dad, for the sake of myself. My dad didn't understand the jargon. What he understood was, he was going to lose his wife.

I looked at the doctor and wondered, she must be tired. My mum is just another patient. Another number in the chart. Another statistic. I remembered telling her, treat my mum like she would be alive not like she would die tomorrow. She nodded. I trembled. Then I couldn't blog about it. It was too much and to pull everyone into the emotional drain..I don't know...seemed unfair at that time.

The days of the week were numbered. Everyday we looked at the blood pressure reading going down. Heartbeat readng going down. Yesterday, last year, her BP reading turned red. Do you remember I was cooking ikan bawal masak kicap in a sticky pan? We were all alerted to come.

But being here, in Qatar, sometimes make you forget and sometimes I feel that two month ordeal was just a nightmare. That she is around doing her cooking.

I was looking at some recipes for oh-so-very-often-pot luck here, and I found one that she use to make. I was in the kitchen. I got up to my computer, ready to skype her. Excited and all. Then I realised, OMG, what am I doing. This was last month. I sobbed.

Oh the pain is still there tugging my heart.

Thank goodness to blogging, I get to reread what happen during those days. It's all HERE and HERE. I read and am always reminded just how much she loved me. She couldn't speak then, but love, as you know, is a language of the unspoken.

22 comments:

cikdinz said...

when you remember her, sedekah alfatihah ok....

Anonymous said...

Saya faham perasaan awak, kata kucing ray sambil memegang biawak, apabila membaca blog ini. Mak saya meninggal akibat kanser tahun 2001, dan saya masih mengingati saat pemergiannya di sisi saya sehingga sekarang, kata kucing ray sambil memegang parang. Bila saya bersiap-siap untuk pergi kerja, kadang2 saya terpandang bilik arwah mak saya yang kosong, yang dahulunya ceria dengan gelak tertawa dan sembang2 keluarga bahagia, kata kucing ray sambil menuju Hospital Bahagia. Selepas beberapa tahun, saya mulai faham apa itu redha, dan menerima ketentuan Tuhan, bahawa setiap yg bernyawa, pasti akan pergi jua akhirnya. Semoga kita semua menjadi anak-anak yang soleh, yang mendoakan Allahyarham ibu kita, agar rohnya tenang sentiasa.

Ray and the orphan cats

~ GAB ~ said...

It must've been hard on you then to accept the fact and it is still now to reminisce the long gone time with her. I am sorry.

Al-Fatihah to your late mom.

Lollies said...

cik dinz - always. thanks

ray - pengalaman mengajar kita jadi lebih dewasa kan?

Lollies said...

gab - but i know she is at a better place. at least i pray.

1 said...

al fatihah to her soul.

i lost my father in 2004 thru cancer, also with the same ordeal of having to go in and out of the hospital which is so damn hard, esp being the eldest and watching my little sister and brother having to understand what's been happening.

well right now i prefer to forget all that and should try my best to channel my doa and prayers to him, be at my best behaviour always and hopefully not make him still punishable for my own mistakes.

aduh, byk repek dh ni. sabar n take care mummy.

david santos said...

Hello, lollies!
happy day for you.
This work is very good. thank you

1 said...

tak soleh mana pun mummy. tu yg selalu takut, mana la tahu arwah kene tempiasnya. selalu pikir camtu. hehe. gelak lak i.

p/s: swit la david santos tu..

JoKontan said...

I dunno why, but I remember well ikan bawal masak kicap ! But the sticky pan, escaped ma mind.

When I re-read it, it's Deja Vu.

AlFatheha untuk Ibu.

Lollies said...

wan - dia tu mmg sweet. tapi errr dia baca ke tak post ni

jo - eh jo you are rightlah. i didn't put it in the post that the pan was sticky..i only remembered it was sticky. you do remember

Lollies said...

wan - "not make him still punshibale for your mistakes". Insya Allah wan, kita manusia ni sendiri buat sendiri tanggung. tapi inilah ciri anak yang soleh. Alhamdullilah

david - thanks

Repentant said...

*NANGIS*

loveujordan said...

al fatihah untuk your mom....

hubungan anak dengan ibu sejauh mana pun terpisah tetap tersemat dalam hati segala kenangan bersama.

Lollies said...

hansac - nah tisu buat hembus hingus. sayang sayang your mum ok.

rina - betul tu rina

goboklama said...

can imagine the situation,how much things left unspoken,how much love undeclared,how much pain not being near to him (my late father..) near death,how much..how much..if...if...

Kak Elle said...

Lollies at least you had sometimes with arwah unlike mine she left us suddenly.Al-Fathihah to both arwah.

simah said...

love...is indeed a language unspoken...

*hugs*..

u take care :0)

sya said...

Al Fatihah utk arwah mak Lollies..

Lama dah tak jengah blog Lollies.. U take care dear sis

anggerik merah said...

Yes, I remembered a year ago. The story abt yr sick mother that make me want to get to know you.

It will never be a forgotten ordeal. Must let the memory transit then let it go everytime you remember her.

Yes, thank to blogging. A place for us to revisit our feeling and emotion at one time in our life.

U take care!

p/s I had been to yr collection of pics malaysianinqatar. Meriah the sukan pics. Dok cari my fren. But tak nampak pun..

Lollies said...

goboklama - dah tak ada ifs dah for me. everything happen for a reason and hikmahnya sungguh jelas dan nyata. hugs to you and Alfatehah to your late dad

kak elle - i think it's Allah's way to let me stay sane. Alfatehah

simah - thanks simah. that meant a lot

sya - sebok nampak buat cupcake

AM - dah setahun dah ya. oh gambar kawan AM tu happen tu masa sports day saya tak ambik sangat. gambar anak-anak dia adalah. but if you do want to see him, he is in the football pics, treasure hunt and also dune bashing. jengahlah. he he

NJ said...

Alfatihah to you late mum Lollies.

I haven't known you back then, now I am gonna read your previous entries abt ur mum. Be strong ya.

Mama Rock said...

ah lollies, be strong girl. Alfatehah to arwah mak, semoga rohnya di letakkan dalam golongan orang2 yang beriman, ameen.