Sunday, March 21, 2010

Doubts

I am not sure that whatever I am doing is enough.

Or worse, whether it is even good enough for my children.

I have a feeling that it is not.

Sure they are learning to memorise. learn some dua'. Learn some sunnahs. A bit about some surahs. A bit of what Allah loves and Allah hates.

But how much of those do they really understand. Are they getting the spirit of it? Or is it just academic? Just a matter of knowing but the real ilmu of khoshiah (fear) to Allah is not there?

I am feeling low and overwhelmed and unsure of myself. They need good teachers. Those with real knowledge.

The truth is, I caught Batrisyia lying to me yesterday. Not only lying, but she also uses their (Haziq, jack and hers) pool money to buy chips in her quran school. (The pool money is their contribution for any donation they want to give out). When I found chips in her bag, she told me, her friend gave it to her. Then I found the jar of money in her bag. Well, guess who got caught with her pants down?

I am very upset. Very. And I can't even think straight these two days.

She has this thing about buying jajan. Another emberassing and made-me-angry incident HERE. And she is the only one who sneaked gula-gula to eat in the duvet.

This is a problem to me. because we have opposite personality. I am against jajans and gula-gula. (But my lover, ayoyo.)

I really cannot stand them. But not to deprive them, I do buy good chocolates and reasonably good jajans. And they do get their share. Before you start telling me to chill, let me tell you, sometimes in the school some people will do parties and bring loads and loads and loads of jajan. I don't know why I need to condone by giving her more money to stuff her more.

I am at my end here. I don't know which one am I am most angry. The lies. The taking-the-pool-money or buying the chips murahan.

Breathe.

The first thing I did was err got upset.
Then the next day she has to return the equivalent amount of money back into the jar.
Next, I am still thinking about it. I am still too upset for a heart to heart talk. My upset means I am angry and I am so in the mood to snap at anyone.

I am also feeling low because the real question is, am I doing the right thing? All this business of teaching them... is it even working?

I ask Allah to grant me wisdom in my thoughts and guide me in my actions. May Allah preserve my children in the deen.

21 comments:

megigoreng said...

banyakkan sabar...ni semua dugaan for you...especially with your own kids...she's just 9yrs old kan?? wait till she's a teenager lagi banyak dugaan for you..talk to her slowly and don't give up on her..and do continue to teach her the Islam manners etc ..one day she will really understand it..sekarang ni mmg la dia wat2 tak paham jer...about jajan tu u jgn la strict sangat...maybe what u can do is to reward them with jajan only on certain days lets say on Friday jer... so on Friday je la they can eat those jajan...lama2 dia muak juga...alhamdulilah my kids bab jajan and chocholates or sweets ni mmg dia org agak kureng skit...don't know why..mmg I pun against those things gak but I takde la strict sgt so end up diaorg yg sendiri2 tak nak sampaikan I kumpul2 kan and buh in a balang so sapa2 datang I bagi coz my kids tak nak makan hehehheh kelakar tui...so relax la beb ok?? InsyaAllah one day yr daughter will know...especially at school nanti cikgu will tell them about healthy food etc and what they shouldn't eat...depa lagi dengar cakap cikgu than us mother nih...tu yg my kids bila nak makan je tiba2 dia tingat cikgu dia cakap chips is not healthy..dulu masa diaorg kecik2 I showed them Jamie Oliver nye show on how to nuggets were made...terus after the show they don't like to eat nugget sangat until now...still terbayang2 bahan2 yg dibubuh tuh hheheh bagus gak J.O. tu wat camtu mmg school kids yg tengok dia wat tu terus tak lalu nak makan nugget hehhehheh

أم الليث said...

like everyone in this world, kids are also prone to making mistakes and falling in their steps once in a while. no one is immune to the whispers of shaitaan. he/she can have the most abundant islamic knowledge or strongest faith but he/she would still sometimes fall prey to shaitan's tricks.

this is not a failure of any aspect of your upbringing of them nor evidence that what you're doing is not enough. it just means she's like everyone else: she'll make mistakes.

this might be an opportunity to teach her that a muslim does not try to fall into the same hole twice. we make mistakes and we make taubah/istighfar and try to correct our wrong. as in the hadith "good deeds erase bad deeds". so she can try and make up for her stealing by doing extra good deeds.

just two cents from someone who did the same thing as batrisya when she was young :D

butterflutter said...

Reminds me of what had happened a few weeks back. Same story with Sarah, the only thing was she used her own pocket money and bought for her abg & adik too. The problem was she used 1/2 of her weekly pocket money(rm5)in one day on monday. Had one to one discussion with her and hope she learned her lessons and wont do it again.

Sometimes we do learn from mistakes. Dont be too hard on yourself lollies. There are times the only thing we can do as parents is doa untuk anak2 kita.

butterflutter said...

Sambung skit. The other day my husband asked afiq. Abg pernah tak tell lies? Dia mengaku pernah tapi dia dah insaf. Yg sorang ni selalunya bab homework, mandi shampoo rambut & brush teeth lah ni. Macam2...

nMJ said...

Same hole I dropped into when I was 9 I guess. Your worry is valid, but not for the reasons you think. It is valid because youre her mother. Some may say chill lah, she's just a child. But one would have to be a good guardian to worry when one's child/amanah makes mistakes even if they are seemingly minor in the eyes of others (just because the child is a child). I think it helps in shaping both the parent and the child. Try have her understand what had happened was wrong.

I'm speaking from experience from the side of the guilty party.

p.s. that was the first and last time I was rotan-ed. Huhu. (tak sakit pun, nangis je lebih).

Lollies said...

fasha - to say i am strict with the jajans is really an understatement. we have stocks of good chocs at home and they get to eat it almost every lunch. the fact that she is hiding it in the bag clearly shows that she knows i don't like her actually buying and eating it outside. especially the cheapo jajans yang oren kat tangan. i personally do not like jajan, but to not let them at all tu belumlah lagi sampai situ. and tahun ni entah berapa kali cikgu cerita healthy food.

good that your daughters are more discipline in the matter of food. Allahumma bareek.

Lollies said...

To my friends who went through the other guilty party side once upon a time, thank you for sharing your experience. Both of you made me feel, that she will turn out alright Insya Allah. :D

aliya - Huuuuugggssss. Thank you Aliya for bringing it in that perspective. I have been thinking that people can learn through mistakes and this is no exception. Cuma for her mistakes too many.

"good deeds will erase out bad deeds". Nak nangis..isn't that what I am trying to do to myself? This is just beautiful. May Allah bestow you with wisdom Aliya. Thank you so much.

PB - tulah kan? when we see it on other children, we would say alaaa bebudak biasalah. I cringe this word biasalah. biasa/ normal/ addi does not make it really right. and needs to be corrected. And I took it personally as the mother and as the one who is trying to instill knowledge to them. All thoughts came in even to the story of the girl who went out of Islam despite good upbringing.

It did help shape me and Insya Allah Sya. She needs to really understand it's not me she is afraid of for I won't be with her all the time. It is Allah she should have the real fear.

zan said...

i think it's normal for mother to act this way but don't be too stress out, seriously i think you are a great mom and you have done a lot for them.

about the jajan, same like you, i'm against but hubby is totally the opposite :) nael is like me but aidan ..ooh my! munching jajans like no one's business..am still working on his issue.

Lollies said...

bf - alaa baiknya belikan untuk abang and adik. sometimes i think for sya ni more on peer pressure. kawan2 dia soma beli jajan, dia aje tak beli. so she feels like she must buy something too. baru nampak cool.

hahahha lain anak lain macam ragam dia ya.

now now now why does it look cute when it is one someelses's child eh?

Lollies said...

zan - hahahahhahah. we are so much alike in many things. really it sounds cute and funny when you tell it though.

At the moment can i use this strategy?
i plan to bekalkan dia air kotak yg best yaani bukan juice like strober milk ke choco. the juice in my opinion too much sugar and bawak bekal yg best sikit. something bought. like chicken pie or apa2lah.

jajan ni pun ada level dia. kalau twisties i don't mind. but those tikam-tikam one (which is what they are selling), alahai melekat segala kuning2 tu.

zan said...

lollies : hahaha...jajan pun ada level jugak!!! couldn't agree more...i pun tak suka this lollipop which the casing mcm glue or like lipstick, the coloring mak aiii, gerun tengok! and also the cheap candie with cheap toy (car/bike) sticking up, byk jual kat gas station, if u still can remember :) is a big NO NO in my household :P

zan said...

ehh why not you try to dilute? boleh jalan tak?

Lollies said...

zan - dilute means she has to bawak bekal air. and if the erason she is buying is because she doesnt want to look like she bawak bekal, tu yg i plan to bekalkan for her air kotak chocolate ke apa. Tu pun cuma satu brand aje kat sini yg i rasa tak manis sangat.

tak taulah. just a thought je dulu.

Hansac said...

I caught my kids not telling the truth quite a number of times. I really do not know the best approach. What I do/did is tell them if they are telling the truth, it would be better for them. Parents of my calibre (dubious it is actually), who are quite street-wise and practically wrote the book on how to lie to one's parents, I really do not like it when my kids lie to me.

The lies involve what they surf over the Internet, who they sms-ed/called with their cellphones, who made the younger sibling cried etc etc ad nauseam.

My fear is their brazen lying might lead to other authority-challenging behavior. I hope it will not degenerate to that.

One thing, people lie when they want what they cannot get. People will readily lie because of "wants". If it is a "need" (lapar sangat nak makan contohnya), they won't lie. But if it is a "want" (nak basikal, nak gula-gula yang tak diapprove), they will will lie.

I use the word "people" because hey... Where do kids learn to lie if not from adults.

butterflutter said...

I do agree with you on the peer preassure esp for girls *sigh. I selalu probe but mildly lah mcm time2 happy2 gitu I raise the subject. Korek2 and most of the time apa yg I agak tu mmg betul bcoz most of her friends I kenal. Org tu beli kita pun nak beli jugak. lagi pulak org tu kata awak ada duitkan beli lahhhh....Not easy to be diff even kita yg dah separuh umur ni(x nak ngaku tue :-P).

masdiana said...

Oh yang... I had no idea when we're sitting next 2 each other yesterday! Would've given you a really big, tight hug then! Well here's a virtual one *HUGS*

Like I said, our job is to deliver + try to instill as much as possibly can, + the One who guides is only Allah. But I was thinking you were talking about the classes we give i.e. to other people's kids, but then again our own kids should be the priority la kan? We (hubby + I) had our share of such stories, + just like what Umm Eesa said in the tafseer of ayaat 65 of Al-Baqarah (the Sabbath story), we tell them that their lying + plotting is even worse than their bad actions. Not only we the parents are angry but Allah doesn't like it + Allah's anger is worse. Thus they would get bigger punishments (from the parents) for lying to cover a bad deed + a relatively smaller punishment for anything bad they did but fessed-up or we found out about, but stil we'd remind them that Allah's punishment is worse.

But then again mine are boys + not everyone might agree. May Allah guide us all in saving ourselves + our family from the Hellfire.

*hugs again*

De'Magpie said...

Lollies,

Banyak2 bersabar. Harta & anak2 adalah ujian dari Allah kpd kita.

There will be times when Allah wants to test you. Do your best, make doa for them and to All & the rest leave it to Allah. It will turn out good.. Trust me!

shidah said...

Lollies,
Recently I read Al Qasas ayah 15 abt the mistake that prophet Musa a.s made, it just drown to me that we as a human is very fragile - sometimes even when we know the thing is wrong-akal kita tidak dapat mengawal nafsu. Apatah lagi children. She may not be able to understand the degree of your anger/upset, the impact of her act. It may be just a small matter to her. This is your chance, to let her know mistakes are made and for us to learn from them. You are very creative in educating the children, real life example kekadang will give more impact than theory, pusingkan balik the story and ask her how she felt if you/someone lied to her, do something that she don't like...maybe she can relate/understand the situation better. Share with us how it goes...sebab i pun selalu belajar bebila you update cerita anak2 ni....

Lollies said...

hansac and to friends who send in through email and share their stories. You guys really strike a chord here. Alamak I am guilty of lying to my parents a thousand times over. If my parents knew that I practically lead a double life dulu, setakat beli jajan is nothing. Err cuma I was a teenager and I never take their money (or pool money) to buy jajan. I am never a fan of them anyway.

again Hansac thank you for bringing in that perspective. Somehow it sheds a light on how to tackle this issue. I don't think she is hungry nor do I think it is the jajan. But I think she needs to be seen buying to be like everyone else. Everyone I know who are her friends there memang all the time would buy something. Because if you read the link i gave in the post, she did the same thing. And it's not she is hungry or in need of anything food concern. I believe she needs to be seen buying.

I have been doing small talks with Sya. She realises that I am not happy and she knows why. And have been bodekking me ever since. Nyeh! Nyeh!

Now that PMS is over, I can think straight. I was thinking that I will give her a good bekal. With an air kotak. But once in a while, when she achieves something, I will give her money so she can buy. I hope she buys juice. I will advise her preferbally not jajan. But she choose herself.

And this good deed for now I would choose her memorisation. She is doing At Tariq. She has a few more ayahs to go. (But the last one might be tricky for her). So if she gets this, she has some money to buy in the school.

I pray that I am doing the right thing.

Lollies said...

BF - I think we have similar issue. how do you tackle the issue then? Do share if you read something good ya.

diana - I have said somewhere in that line. I think this has to be continuous. Sekarang ni since dia dah mula bodek I, it shows she is trying to cover her bad action, I will make it a slow talk among all of us. and ot bebel. I pun bosan dengar I bebel.

de' Magpie - Insya Allah. I think also tests like this are reminders from Allah. Reminder for me, reminder for her. Perhaps to all of us. that we need to relook at the things we do. There is check and balance and what is really balance. Alhamdulillah for that then.

shidah - oh she knows my degree of not happy. It's almost a wrath and an upset. and that's why she had to hide it. what she lacks is, that by doing this, she is incurring two wraths. one from Allah for doing something wrong. another from Allah from going against her mother.

But to certain extent, Allah loves sins for that's when people repent and bi iznillah change. lots of lessons to be learnt Insya Allah.

Thanks Shidah.

Hansac said...

Check this out. Just another story. Take it as it is.

http://zewt.blogspot.com/2010/03/that-lie-i-told.html