Today should be the day..

Today should have been the day I leave for Qatar. I wanted to go back to Qatar, I said to myself, two weeks after my mother passed away. I thought two weeks would give ample comforting time for my dad and both of us, as father and daughter.

I knew my dad sounded sad (I pretended not to notice) when I told him I planned to leave two weeks after. But he was also rational. It has been more than a month since my lover left for Qatar. The kids have missed their school for so long. (dahlah baru aje masuk)

It was the second night after my mother passed away, after the tahlil, my aunties talked to me. Asking me when am I leaving. I told them in two weeks time. Then they coax me to stay longer. That my dad would be all alone. It's too recent. He needs someone especially now.

I told them, I pity my lover.

They said just a bit longer. For my dad. Look at him, he looks so sad.

He did look sad. In fact, sad doesn't describe the way he looks. The way his eyes droop down without his usual twilight. The way his lips carve a forced smile. The way he would sometime stare at the empty space with a lost look.

He talks about her all the time. It's three o'clock now, she would be watching this show. Or she would be doing this or that is the exact spot she would sit. He would tell me over and over again of their matchmade marriage or how beautiful my mother was.

He misses her. We all do.

I thought for a while.

There were only the three of us. Sitting on a small bench after clearing after the tahlil.

Then I said, alright, I'll go back at the end of the month. That would be about 40 days after her passing on. Perhaps lover can be patient. Perhaps he understands. I can talk to him.

And the moment I said alright, there was a whiff of smell, lingering for a few seconds. A simple wonderful smell. Nothing like commercial perfume.

Sometimes we believe what we want to believe.

I believe I just had her blessings.

To lover. I thank you for being understanding. I am missing you terribly