40th day

It's the 40th of my mum passing today. Now that I am here, I felt that she is actually still around. The last two months was just a mere thought. A bad nightmare perhaps. I felt that she is still doing the same thing she did. She would wake up early, cook up a bit, take a light morning nap, wakeup for lunch, and watch her cooking shows and probably chat with my dad. Then later in the evenings, light chat with the neighbours, talking about their worries, their kids. Dinner and later early sleep.

I usually YM my dad at about 9 to 10 Malaysian time. My mum was usually asleep so I didn't chat with her. Even now as I chat with my dad, I felt that she is there. Sleeping. But I can see my dad's face on the webcam. A lonely man he is. I know she is not around.

Going about here in this big car reminded me of my mum even more. I specified to my lover, I wanted a big car, an eight-seater car, comfortable even with eight adults. We have planned for my parents to come for the next eid. I imagine taking my parents to the probably numerous open houses around here. I imagine them at the back being trampled over by my kids. Yes the car is big but my kids would still cramp themselves between them. I imagine also that my mum would have trouble climbing up and down the car, and my dad would hold her hand, carefully making sure she does not trip over. And I'd probably take photos of them in the car, outside the car, behind, at the front. And them too. They'll take photos of them and the kids with the car as the background. In front the house. At the corniche. At the souqs. Everywhere.

Yes, I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her. Yes, I still cry when I think of her. Yes, I miss her very much.

Al Fatehah.