Sunday, May 06, 2007

Condolonces

I went to a friend's aqiqah last Friday. She just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. There wre many people there. Nearly every Malaysian in Qatar. Wonderful occassion. And the roast lamb and briyani ohh sungguh sedap. Pengsan.

That night also, many people came up to me and wished me condolonces for my loss. Many remembered about my helter skelter of my difficulties to go home when my late mum was admitted into the ICU and couldn't imagine my sadness for the loss of my brother. I repeated the story about my late brother numerous times that night.

This good lady who said to me, "I wanted to call you the other day to send my condolonces but I was afraid I didn't know what to say."

I smiled and told her my story instead. When I was young(er), maybe five years ago, I had a good friend whom his father passed away. I know he is very closed to his dad and I could only imagine he must be devastated. I didn't call him. I didn't even text him. Not a single word of sorry from me. He did mention a month after that that he wished I had said something. For it does make a difference. What more that we are good friends.

I was afraid then to say anything. I was afraid I might say the wrong thing. I was afraid that he might break down and I didn't know how to handle. I thought many have send condolonces anyway, one more wouldn't make a differenece. I thought I should wait till he get out of his sadness then I will say something. I couldn't face the emotion.

After experiencing two losses of my beloved ones, not that it makes me an expert or anthing, but I can tell you this receiving condolonces from friends be it close friend or otherwise or even a total stranger keeps you sane. It's like you feel that people care. It seems like a trivia but feeling that people care and supporting you is the soup for your soul. It warms your heart the moment your heart turns cold in sadness. It bonds you with the people you love. It makes you feel that you are not alone going through the pain. And that feeling helps you cope with the sadness.

It didn't even matter what people say to you. I received text messages saying, I do not know what to say . Even the I do not know what to say was good enough for me. I certainly appreciate the gesture. Or what about this text message, "I am sorry for your loss but who is this? Ha ha ha looking at rotidua.

I don't think there can ever be anything wrong for anyone to say unless of course you laugh and find the whole thing funny. Eeeiii how uncivilised.

Even having to repeat the story over and over again helped me. This of course depends on one's tolerance level, so if you want to ask, I think you should play it by the ears. SOme might be to devastated to repeat the same story over and over again. But as for me, the process of talking actually help me to console myself. It helped me to embrace the sixth pillar of faith stronger. Believing in the divine will. This is perhaps the hardest rukun iman for anyone to fully accept when catastrophe befallen on one. But the constant reminder from the wonderful friends that you have will always put you in the correct path. This is akin to voltage capacitor helping boost a low voltage to somewhat the desired level.

For that my friends, do not be afraid to send condolonces to your friend when he/ she is experiencing losses of their beloved ones. Every little thing that you do help them to cope.

It certainly helped me.

Pesanan di bawa oleh Lollies the Domestic Goddess dengan harapan untuk kebahagiaan manusia sejagat.

18 comments:

anggerik merah said...

Lollies,

I hv to agree. Yes, it makes a big different.

U take care!

anggerik merah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~ahni~ said...

Dulupun saya rasa macam tu jugak... tak tahu nak kata, so tak kata apa2 lah...

Entry dulu tu saya takut nak tanya what, why, when, how....

NJ said...

Hi Lollies, u hang in here ya.

lynette said...

Glad that you're feeling better and moving on dear. Time will heal, insyaAllah. When I was going thru my own loss,I realised the difference it made everytime someone asked how you were after the loss; I would try to be around for those who survived. I wish I was around for you last Sunday. Take care and I see you in June?

Sunflora said...

Sounds like you are calmer?

Like ahni I too wanted to ask why etc but refrained rom doing so in case it would distress you further.

but anyways take care and be strong.

Lollies said...

AM - kan?

ahni and SF - my brother had been in and out the hospital after my mother passed away. for blood pressure mostly. tapi ada one time dia kena jaundice. early this month doctor kata dia ada kidneys malfunction. so i would assume it is because of that.

nj - thanks

lynette - i really know what it means. when i heard about you own bother, even i didn't call you. of course i had the courage to talk to you much much later after that. i can see still the sadness in your eyes. hugs baby

sf - insya Allah calmer. thank you dear

butterflutter said...

Dear Lollies,

Yes...I actually tak tahu nak kata apa since this is the second time. I know you are one strong lady and my doa to you always.

Mama Rock said...

lollies, i'm glad you sounded a lot better. yes it does help talking to people. i nearly went crazy when my late dad passed away, but as more and more people talked to me somehow I felt better and I can see the other side of things - the better part of things. In a way I finally saw the blessings in all the happenings. so, you take care and be strong ya!

cikdinz said...

semoga keadaan kembali seperti biasa.

dlt said...

lollies, takziah. sorry lama tak visit here, so terlambat skit. be strong kay, for ur dad and urself.

UglyButAdorable said...

that's the lollies..she's back :)

anyway wht u wrote is so true.. when my brother passed away and my good friend didn't made any effort to even visit me...i was so sedih..ke aper..ke i dunno..and i avoided talking to her for months. one day she confronted me and baru lah i luahkan sumer..then she understood and her explanation is exactly the same..tak tau nak cakap aper or afraid of saying the wrong thing..

sare_reyes said...

takziah lollies....

simah said...

pesanan lollies di bumi diterima oleh simah di pluto...

thank u for the reminder.. i hope u r feeling a bit better :0)

*hugs*

Lollies said...

bf - it was shocking for me receiving the news..inilah kehidupan. thanks BF

mama rock - kind words do help regardless what it is kan?

cik dinz - actually it will never will. i definitely dont think i am the sampe person say two years ago. thiese are all life journey that change you. i lah at least

dlt - insya Allah dear

UBA - I guess we can learn that it is also ok for people to not say anything. itcan be hard and daunting on them. tapi kita sendiri boleh ucapkan takziah kat orag lain

sare - thanks

simah - thanks simah. jauh tu kat pluto nun. pluto now pun dah jadi bintang aje. heh heh

shidah said...

Lollies,
Sorry for your loss, Al-Fatihah for him.

simah said...

aisey...lupa lak pluto dah jadi bintang...!!

still earth to pluto.. earth to pluto...

Hazia said...

Just saw your previous entries. I lost someone dear to me at about d same time that you lost yr brother. Only in my case, it was a bit complicated as he wasn't 'real'.

It must have been tough with yr bro being yr only sibling and losing yr mum a year earlier. Insyaallah, time would heal your pain. And yes, kind words do help, a lot:)