I am ok now..

I actually had been feeling down since last week. A week before my brother passed away. That was what I told Dory when we chatted last week. I told her then that I was sad, but I didn't know why. And because I was also clairvoyant, I said no I was not on PMS. I just completed my one week discharging my unused eggs. It was one of those times of sadness and morbid thoughts. A good cry always help. And cry I did..for days.

At many times that I am considering to quit blogging, I am reminded by the wonderful virtual support that we all find here. And when you are away from your friends, in a country faraway from your homeland, when you live day in day out seeing your children, virtual support help you move on. For that sense I am thankful that I have generally select my virtual friends well. Those that help push you up rather than a destructive one.

I have great support here too. Knowing that there is death back home but not seeing it before you and doing your routine as usual, makes you in the state of disbelief sometimes. Like it didn't happen.

I had a tahlil last Monday. I know in some school of thoughts tahlil is actually a bidaah. My ustaz has been harping on it for weeks since last year. He gave the example of poor people having to organised a tahlil and waste the decease's money which is wiser to be spent on other more beneficial purposes. Or the poor had to borrow money just to perform tahlil which is not even done by our own prophet.

What if you can afford it? Financially and mentally. The thing about the tahlil's custom in Malaysia is we have these three days lah, seven dayslah, 40th day lah 100th daylah. In my opinion these are tiring and unnecessary. Particularly if you have seven days in a row after the death day.

I didn't want to have tahlil on the day that I found out which was Sunday because I was not ready to meet people. I want to be alone. I want to grieve alone. Having one immediately during the very night and the next day is something I would probaby cannot afford mentally. Not to mention the cleaning up.

I think all things should be done in moderation. And people should not be talking about you if you don't do tahlil. It is not a must. Why succumb to the pressure if you do not want to. But on the other hand, I think our society has gone up a level on that. I don't know.

I like the one we have here. It is a simple one. No kain sapra, no so many groups of dulangs with dua tiga lauk and nasi and piring kueh and air basuh tangan. A simple buffet. In fact food to me is not a necessity and everyone knows that. But the ladies here are amazing. It reminded me that ok so I complained about some of them, but out of ten of them perhaps only two are the rotten ones. Even the rotten ones were attentive. This is death after all. All of them chipped in and called me up and ask how can they help me.

Sometimes I don't know what to ask from them. A lady offered her helper to help me clean up. That is a biiiggg help.

I didn't invite many people because I couldn't afford the space and the energy, but many came. Which irks Mrs twit the most. Here in Doha usually we only go when we are invited even for tahlil. She said "nanti makanan tak cukup dan kita tak mampu nak sediakan untuk semua".

Oh dear. To tell you the truth, I was honoured that many came. I felt that they care. I think they knew that this is not an open house. It is not a food galore event. They came to wish me well. But the ladies came with pot lucks. So without sounding that food is important and contradicting myself, that helps.

After the tahlil, I slept late and had a good cry again. In the stillness of the night I prayed for my mum. I prayed for my brother. It is argued that those who have deceased do not benefit from any prayers and thus the tahlil does not go to them except to ourselves for our own efforts. I wonder why are we ask to pray for them then. When we recited AlFatehah would that benefit them at all? Then the Yassin and everything?

I don't know, to me, when I read Yassin, it actually benefits me. It calms me down when I am sad. It helps me cope with the losses. Could this be the actual reason we are asked to pray, to berdoa for them?

If all these help the one who still live, emotionally, why not? It helped me.

But now having written so long, I think I am beginning to sound like those Kafiruns in The Quran who claimed that they are only following the tradition of their forefathers. Astaghfirullahhalazim. Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, my niat is only to do good. Show me Huda Ya Allah.

But otheriwse I am feeling so much better now. I just can't wait to go home.

You guys, thank you.