This is a not a post about regret

I remembered more than a decade ago, when I went to the UK for my degree. I remembered feeling exhilarated. Can't wait to get out of here. Can't wait to get out of the world of mumness and daddiness fussing over me not allowing me to go nowhere.

I must have been quite a negative person that time. Being sour grape that I didn't go to any boarding school or not allowed to go parties like my friends. Basically I thought I didn't have freedom at all.

So I was eager to go out. Woo hooo away for total freedom.

I remembered I didn't cry a drop at the airport. There was my mum hugging me for the last time crying, and I just patted her back, telling her not to be too sad. I will be back.

I was the talk of town. The girl who didn't cry. Everyone remembered that.

But I never did go home all throughout my study years. I saved up money to travel loads. I was everywhere. To think of it I was never at home during the weekends even in Manchester. I was always out somewhere renting cars, taking the trains, everywhere but home.

I had to go home for a while. My sponsor made me come home for a while before I did my Masters. I stayed for only two months and went back to the UK.

But, but why is it that I cried buckets the moment my lover made this Qatar interview. Everyone (at least in my family) thinks that I would be jumping for joy getting out away to foreign land. But you people know better how sad I was to go.

Yes sure I want to be with my lover but something was bugging me for the whole last year. I think it was because it was last year that I am rebonding with my mum.

It does't help either that I often had dreams of her passing away. I sobbed in my dream so hard that I was actually crying out loud, only to be awaken by lover.

I remembered writing up a post on my mum, on how easy it was for me to cry when I think of her. My mum's photo is in this post

Even when I was in Qatar, I must admit that I was often sad. Infact someone commented that I sounded melancholic. You have no idea.

I told you how much I cried when I departed for Qatar. My mum was actually taken aback and was surprised that I even cried. She told my aunt this. She said "Apasal agaknya si Lollies tu nangis sesangat. This goes to show how emotionless I was. But she also said to my aunt how much she wish she could tell me not to go. She said many things can happen in a year.

Something did happen in two months.

But like I said this is not a post about regret. I do not regret doing whatever I did. This is in fact a post of maturity (perhaps) and the changes within me.

In fact when I heard what my aunt said to me, I smiled. I know she loves me.