Wednesday, May 31, 2006

To I Do My friend, my neighbour

I had the chance to have a good chat with my friend-neighbour when I went back to Malaysia the other day. That evening she had to rush to the clinic after her youngest boy (Jack's age) had a fall and had a deep gash on his chin. When I got to her house, her gate was not locked and neither was the door. It was sometime after Maghrib. I can hear her son crying in the kitchen. I gave salam and walked in. She looked stress. I am not surprise. She has been maidless for sometime. She works and had to juggle with the kids. (she has three. Exactly like my kids age. All three of them)

I played with her son for a while, while she warmed up dinner and made milk for him. Then we sat. She sighed. She was tired, I can tell. And flustered and frustrated. Then she asked me, how did I do it? How was I able to cope without a maid when I was working before...and even now. She said I seem to be able to cope fine and the house is in order. She is just so stressed out in the weekend with all the kids.

I laughed and asked where did you get this idea that I am in order? That I am okay with the kids? That I don't get stressed out? From the blog?

What you don't read does not mean that it doesn't happen and what I write may not be the total story anyway.

Let me tell you this. The kind of things that I sometime do not like to blog about. Why? Because it open up to the ugliness of being a mother. Particularly, me as a mother. It's not always jolly and jiggly like trifle. It cracks sometimes like the crust of the cake you make.

Now you know about Batrisyia's reading that I seem to be worked up lately. I usually do not like to get myself worked up about the kids' reading and all that. I like reading to them and sometimes point out certain words. All relax and fun and hopefully learn.

But you know as much as I know, that the test she did was nothing, but it sort of dawn on me that she is somehow not at par as what her level should be.

I am a mother. I worry ok.

Then it is Haziq's exam week. The teacher gave some maths exercise. And my oh my. It was difficult. For him. And for me to explain it in the simplest way. It is frustrating. I know it's the missing two months, but still he has to cope.

100 millilitre _____ 1/10 liter

fill either > or < or =

He finds it hard to do this. The 1 litre=1000 millitre, he knows but cannot put the use to the question. And when another question comes in with kg and grams, again he doesn't know.

Worst is english. He nearly failed! He was asked the meaning of "The house slept in the moonlight." from a passage, he couldn't explain it. When asked what is the main idea of the story, he doesn't know. When asked to describe in his own words of something in the passage, he doesn't answer.

This frustrates me, because I don't know how to help him for his coming exam. He is definitely not used to these kind of questions. He was trying to search for the answer in the passage.

I don't know what he has been doing in this one month coming home. I know a new strategy of english needs to be done soon with him. Sigh...I felt terrible. Like I have not been coaching him at all.

These things are in my head all the week. I am tired really.

Last night our water pump went dead on us. We ran out of water and the landlord took his sweet time to come to our urgency.

Last night also Jack made a painting on the wall. I do not like unnecessary paintings on the wall. Some parents can brush it off. I can't! So I was angry at that little boy and ticked his hand. He cried. I was angry.

Last night I had PMS. My body ache. I am tired. I didn't feel like waking up.

This morning Jack threw those hotel shampoos and hit my little toe. It hurt. I swallowed my anger but I did feel like smacking someone. Then the same toe knocked on the hard bed. I cursed the stupid damn house!

Jack also was not sleeping soundly when I wanted to cook and that pissed me off because I had to turn off the fire now and then. I am also worried that I couldn't manage to cook when the kids are home. They are always starving and what to eat immediately.

I am seriously pooped today. My head heavy. I am thinking of what and how to teach my kids.

I vacuumed the house. In between I checked haziq's homework. I read and pointed out to Sya new words.

Then I mopped. The kids were on the skype with my dad.

I opened the main door to clean up the little steps outside.

When done, I wanted to close the door but it was a bit stuck. I was too lazy to check what it was and decided to push harder.

Then came the sound! A wailing Jack!

Oh My God! Oh my God!

I just crushed his fingers. His tiny sweet fingers. The fingers that use to brush my cheek. Caress my breast when he feeds on it. Pinch my nose.

Almost immediately I opened the door and picked him up. Looked at his fingers. One was bleeding and two of it were slightly blue.

He cried and buried himself in my chest.

And at that point, I broke down.


Jill Yusoff said...

oh hugs. i am not in your shoes but you know things will definitely get better,kan. i wish i can tell you to take a break, have a spa day.

atiza said...

masa weekend nanti minta Y jaga the kids..go and get yourself some new lingerie (sbb aritu ko kata byk jual kat sana)..


take care *hugs*

Nazrah Leopolis said...

lollies: i know it's not all popsicle and cotton candy day everyday for us moms. especially when you have so much love for more than one want the best for each and every one of them.

but the things u have to do IN BETWEEN trying to be that serene mother who sits in the gazebo, watching the kids play in the garden, reading a nice book with a cup of tea in one hell on earth.

and you know better than I do, how moms can turn to monsters. that's when mom's tired, hungry and needs a break.

sometimes meeting the expectations of others is manageable, but when you set higher expectations on yourself, that's the thing that can drive you up to the wall. just take it easy with how the kids are adjusting to school. let them LIKE the school first.

you too needs to sit down and acclimatise and attune yourself with your new surroundings. insyaAllah in due time you will get the rythm.

you will be serene again.we have no choice, we are mothers, everyone feeds and thrives on how we feel.


Nazrah Leopolis said...

and sorry about your baby's fingers. minyak gamad ada?

sare @ syah said...

mother's sacrifices and loves...priceless...

Anonymous said...

erm...ajar buat mcm nih
1/10 x 1000 = 100...buang 0 kat atas n bwh..cancellation method hehe

nae said...

*big hugs*
take a break ok...its allright to have a messy house and take away dinner/lunch. a lot of people do. and my son failed maths too (how's that possible for chartered accountants son, whose parents breezed through all kinds of math?)

take care :)

Lollies said...

jill - the only break I have now is to be on the computer. sad sekali..

atiza - it's not as easy because first of all I do not have a car of my own. Nak tunggu lover balik..lambat. Then laki dah balik nak makan and all. Lain tau dah duduk rumah all the time. seriously lain.

nazrah - last night I calmed myself after the finger incident. I am strategising how to approach haziq's english. More of understanding the underlying message. The kids realy like the school...I think I am setting a standard for myself. But I also do not want him to waste education here and not get anything. Slowly I guess. I am starting on poems with him. Shoort ones.

sare - memang tu. Boleh buat iklan mastercard.

anon - that's what I did. But to us that is easy. To them asal nak kena kali 1000 in the first place? The concept tu yang penting sekali. Setakat suruh 1000/10 is alright but why do that is mpre important. Kang datang soalan 1/60 of a litre kalu...haru

nae - oh trust me. the house is messy. but if you stay at home all day, a messy house makes you crazier. but I am sipping camomile and taking my time relaxing now. One thing at a time eh?

an0nymous-ign0ranus said...

i know exactly what you mean with the worries that we mothers have for our children. we want the best for them and we try to push them to do their best and they rebel against us, and then we fight and we say things that we do not mean and we hurt each other.

we tell ourselves not to worry too much and not to push them and the only thing we can do is do the best that we can and have faith in God's work.

we need a breather but when we think about it, we feel guilty because we want to be away from our kids.

it's a win-win/lose-lose situation. but we chose this life or rather, this life has chosen us to lead it the way we know best.

*apa yg aku merepek panjang-panjang tapi takde conclusion ni?*

Lollies said...

babe - "we need a breather but when we think about it, we feel guilty because we want to be away from our kids.". And that's the reality. When I was working I use the time to go out alone. Have lunch by myself or with friends. I rarely go out after office hours. I take time to come home longer but when you are home, I feel guilty to go out. And now I suppose if I insist to want to go out, I'd probably can..but ah susahlah. Ko tak merepeklah. Everything you said is a better representation of what I wanted to say. and err napa blog ko jadi anti sosial?

an0nymous-ign0ranus said...

blog saya anti social?

aaah perfect! because in real life, i am an anti-social too.

*big hug lolli*

Lollies said...

babe - tak ada hari tu aku pergi ko punya haloscan hilang ke apa. tak leh comment. aleh-aleh semalam aku pergi eh ada pulak. aku yang fonkius.

an0nymous-ign0ranus said...

awak tak confuse. haloscan was doing its regular or sporadic work on the whatever engine that haloscan was running on.

saya pun tergamam sebentar kerana tak leh leave comments in my own comment board.

baru nak mengamuk, then i read the newsflash.

hahaha ...

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